In Another Life
by razz m'tazz
Summary: Post ME3; slightly AU. After defeating the Reapers 5 years ago, Shepard disappeared in the shadows of the galaxy and left her old life behind her. Now she's back, injured and amnesiac, and it's up to Kaidan to try and save her.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is my first fan-fic. It's been an idea festering in my mind ever since I finished ME3. It always bothered me how the Normandy seemed to have abandoned Shepard in London, so this is just my take on how she reacted and the events that followed.**

**Please feel free to review and constructive criticism is always welcome :)**

**-razz**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect, its characters, or, sadly, even Shepard. BioWare owns all.**

* * *

Kaidan groaned as he was stirred from his sleep by the soft, intermittent flashing of his terminal, indicating he had received a new message. With one eye closed, he looked at the slender arm draped across his midsection. His gaze wandered over to the happily sleeping woman next to him as he gently slipped out from under her embrace. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and rested his still sleep hazed head in his hands while he collected himself.

After taking a few rousing breaths, he glanced at the clock sitting next to his bedside. The red numbers read 4:17 AM. Who in their right mind would message him at this hour? With a sigh, he picked up his lazy body and trudged over to his desk. The screen flared to life as it detected his presence nearing, its harsh glare caused him to wince. The orange glow illuminated his bare chest as he bent over the desk to read his message.

With half-lidded eyes, he glanced at the sender.

_Admiral Hackett._

Shit.

He opened the message and quickly skimmed the e-mail, trying to ignore the migraine that began to throb behind his tired eyes.

_Major Alenko:_

_ Your immediate presence is required at Alliance Command in Vancouver, Earth. Due to the delicate nature of the matter, your debriefing will occur in person upon your arrival._

_ Passage on a shuttle has already been booked to expedite your arrival. It leaves at 0700. A cab will pick you up from your apartment at 0600 and will bring you to the spaceport. _

_ Do not worry about bringing any personal belongings or clothing; we have taken the liberty to pack any necessary luggage you will require during your stay. _

_ Thank you for your immediate attention to this matter,_

_Admiral Hackett  
Human Alliance Command_

Kaidan loudly exhaled as he finished reading his new orders. His mind starting reeling through the various possible missions Hackett had planned for him. The Major found it unusual that they were delaying his debriefing until _after_ he arrived. It had become standard protocol to inform him of the nature of the mission via comm units before departure. It gave him more time to prepare a tactical plan or map out the most effective means of infiltration to retrieve enemy information.

The last time Kaidan had ever been hailed by Alliance Command with so much ambiguity was when he served with Commander Shepard aboard the _Normandy_ to fight against the geth and the Reaper invasion. But the Reapers had been defeated more than 5 years ago, and with their destruction, the geth, too, had been eradicated. Ever since then, the majority of his missions involved settling diplomatic disputes, rebuilding civilian colonies, and occasionally, on a _really _exciting day, he even had meetings with the Council to advocate for human assistance on Earth.

Oh sure, there was always the sporadic mission requiring him to break into alien or gang hideouts to discover what devious plans they had crafted to take over the galaxy in its vulnerable state. Sometimes he even went on rescue missions to save an important political figure being held as ransom for basic necessities that the colony needed for sheer survival.

But none of it was anything so confidential that they couldn't give him a quick debrief before setting off for his destination. The world was still in chaos and even the gang factions' numbers had been whittled down next to zero by the slaughter the Reapers had committed.

"…Kaidan? What are you doing up?" a feminine voice thick with sleep questioned. "Are you having one of your migraines, baby?"

Her voice startled him and caused him jump, disturbing the migraine he'd almost managed to will away. He looked over at her. She sat upright in bed, her arms wrapped around her knees as she drew them towards her chest.

"Just a small one, Erin, I'll be okay. I didn't mean to wake you; I'm sorry," his brow pulled together with guilt.

She shook her head lightly. "You didn't. I was having a difficult time sleeping, anyway."

Kaidan just gave a small nod as his eyes drifted back to the clock. It was now 4:32. He had less than an hour and a half before his chauffeur arrived. Great. He sat down in the desk chair and ran his hands over his face. His scruff scraped lightly on his palms, reminding him he needed to shave before leaving.

Erin frowned as she tried to discern the expression on his face. "Baby, what's wrong?"

_I hate it when she calls me that._

"Admiral Hackett messaged me- he needs me to go to Vancouver," Kaidan said as he massaged his temple. He really wasn't in the mood for a migraine right now.

Erin stepped out of the warm confines of her bed and switched on a small table lamp on the other side of the room. She began rummaging around in a desk drawer. The sound was excruciatingly loud to Kaidan's sensitive ears and he cringed with every shuffle and clank as objects were shifted.

"What's going on in Vancouver? Maybe you'll have time to swing by and visit your parents. Your mother is worried about you, you know." The petite blonde made a satisfied sound as she apparently found what she was looking for.

Kaidan's eyes shut tightly at the reminder of his parents and his migraine relentlessly pounded against his skull.

After the Reapers' destruction, Kaidan and the rest of the crew aboard the _Normandy_ had crashed on one of Saturn's moons. It had been weeks before they could establish any sort of communication with Earth. When the Alliance had finally managed to send out a retrieval unit, Kaidan's father was onboard.

His father was an Alliance solider, through and through, and he felt as though Kaidan betrayed everything the Alliance stood for by abandoning Earth and his Commander at the beam in London. He even went so far as to blame Shepard's near death on Kaidan's cowardice and harshly scolded him for leaving her behind as he trotted his sorry ass back to the ship.

His father's words echoed in his ears.

_"You abandoned your post and your Commander. After everything she fought for, after all the lives she sacrificed to save you on Virmire, after the hell she went through to fight an enemy everyone denied existed, you left her to die. I didn't raise you that way, Kaidan. No son of mine would ever flee from a fight, leaving a superior officer to bleed out, just to hop back on _her _ship and fly away to safety. And you claim you love her. You don't leave the people you love to die, soldier."_

Rage had flooded through Kaidan at his father's accusations and caused the usually incredibly self-controlled man to lash out and pin his father against the side of the ship with his biotics.

Ever since then, they rarely spoke.

Kaidan forced himself out of his painful reverie and brought his attention back to the present.

He finally answered Erin's question: "I'm not sure, actually. Hackett won't tell me anything until I get to Alliance Command. Probably some political bullshit that they're scared to talk about through comm in case it gets hacked."

He ignored her comment about his parents and she knew him well enough to know not to press the issue. Any mention of his father would surely result in a discussion about the war or Shepard. Every time Erin tried to get him to open up about what had actually happened at the beam, it ended in a heated argument with Kaidan storming out of their apartment and drinking his memories away at Purgatory.

Erin's soft hands gently touched Kaidan's arms. He peeled one eye open to look at her. She just gave him a slight smile as she placed a small metallic plate on the desk behind him. She grabbed a long rubber bandage to use as a tourniquet just above the bend of his elbow. The chill of an alcoholic swab over the vein in his forearm gave mild relief to the painful throb of his head as he anticipated the relief of medication. She picked up a syringe, pulled the protective covering of the needle off with her teeth, and held it steady in front of her blue eyes.

Flicking the needle a couple of times, Erin loosened any air bubbles that floated in the clear liquid. "When do you leave?"

He hissed as she delicately stabbed the needle into his arm and pushed the plunger.

"6."

Kaidan watched as the medication exited the syringe and emptied into his bloodstream. It would only be a matter of moments before sweet relief fought off his debilitating headache. There were some serious perks to dating a doctor, one of them being granted access to the highly regulated narcotic. He hated using the injection to quell his migraines, but it was the only medicine that had any effect whatsoever and eased the pain.

He already felt the numbing effects of the medication begin to work its magic.

"So soon? I was hoping I'd have time to give you a proper farewell."

A smile teased at her lips as she released Kaidan's tourniquet. She pulled one end of the rubber band back tight and abruptly let go, causing it to snap against Kaidan's bare chest. A red mark instantly appeared just above his left nipple.

Kaidan gave her a sly smile as he jumped out of his chair and wrestled the band from Erin, eliciting a squeal of mock fear from her pretty lips. He bent down and lightly brushed his mouth against hers as he wrapped a strong arm around her waist. She walked backwards towards the bed, dragging the Major with her, and pulled him on top of her.

He nuzzled his face in the crook of her neck, softly nipping at the sensitive skin, and she moaned his name. Her feminine scent wrapped around him and blanketed him with the sweet aroma of her fruity shampoo mingled with her natural smell.

It was a pleasant smell, and yet, there was something wrong about it that he just couldn't quite place. It was too clean, too safe, hinting at a life filled with the monotony of a mundane life free of any fighting, the threat of death, or the shame in defeat. It was a scent that Kaidan had a difficult time understanding; his entire life had always been shrouded by war and its consequences. He didn't know what it meant to live a safe, ordinary life as Erin had.

Even as he lost himself inside of her, Kaidan couldn't ignore the unwelcomed name that crept into the recesses of his mind.

_Shepard._

He had blocked his thoughts of her for the better part of 3 years after she cut off all contact with him. He wouldn't allow himself to be tortured by memories long dead. Hell, for all he knew, she _had _died. So why couldn't he seem to get her, or her deliciously distinctive scent, out of his head?

* * *

Major Alenko hesitated in front of the conference room door, his hand lingering on the handle. He took a deep breath as he tried to settle his nerves. No matter how long they had now been working together, having a personal debriefing with Admiral Hackett always made Kaidan feel like a schoolboy who was sent to the principal's office.

He silently cursed himself for being so anxious. He hadn't done anything wrong, the galaxy was safe from any significant threats- he had nothing to worry about.

His cheeks puffed out as he expelled his breath. He quickly adopted his stoic military facial expression and pushed the door open. Instantly, he was greeted with the bitter scent of cigar smoke that left the air hazy and stung his eyes. He coughed twice at the unexpected inhalation of the thick smoke before he fanned the cloud away with his hand.

Across the room, Admiral Hackett sat with his face buried in datapads that littered his desk. A lit cigar lay unattended in an ashtray, its orange embers slowly dying out. Kaidan noticed how much the man seemed to have aged over the past few years; his face was thin and taunt, wrinkles spindled throughout his skin, and his purple scar glared angrily against the paleness of his complexion. His hat did little to cover the thinning hair.

It was odd seeing the Admiral so… human. He was in a state of vulnerability that Kaidan had never thought possible. Admiral Hackett was a man of legend and always appeared to be larger than life, often idolized by citizens and Alliance soldiers alike. It sent a shiver down the Major's spine as he contemplated what could possibly be disturbing Hackett so much that the stress had visibly aged him in a matter of months.

"Admiral Hackett. You wanted to see me, sir?" Kaidan spoke softly so as to not startle the elder and greeted him with a salute.

Hackett tore his gaze away from his reports and looked at Kaidan with an indiscernible expression on his face.

"Major Alenko, thank you for coming here on such short notice." He gave Kaidan a slight nod to signify he could lower his salute.

"Yes, sir. What's the mission, sir?" Kaidan asked, unable to help his brow from arching.

Hackett stood up and slowly walked over to Kaidan. His walk had a newly acquired gait that pained Kaidan to see. Hackett's age was catching up to him and Kaidan couldn't be sure how much longer the Admiral had left.

"You may want to sit down for this, Major." He motioned to a seat nearby.

"Thank you, sir, but I would prefer to stand. I've been sitting down for hours while the shuttle escorted me here."

Hackett nodded absentmindedly, not really registering the words Kaidan had spoken. The older man's gaze fell on nothing in particular. Something was gnawing at him, and the Major fought the urge to shift nervously as apprehension built up in his gut.

"Sir?" Kaidan called out to him, bringing the Admiral's attention back to their meeting.

"Alenko, there's really no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to be blunt." He took a deep breath to prepare himself. "We found Shepard. She's highly unstable; she's a threat to herself and every person in this building. And she's demanded to see you."

Kaidan felt a strong pang in his chest that knocked the wind out of him at hearing Shepard's name. His heart stopped beating, leaving a hollow feeling inside of him. He felt his stomach fall to the floor, his vision tunneled, and the world around him starting spinning as he swayed slightly on his feet. He clenched and unclenched his fists as his mind fervently tried to wrap its head around what he had just heard.

"I-I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not sure if I heard you correctly. You…you said that… that… Sh-Shepard… she's here? Now?" Kaidan fumbled over his words, unable to form coherent thoughts.

"That's correct, Major. She's in the medical ward in a secure part of the facility. I'll fill you in on what little detail we have on our way there." Hackett started for the door, relying heavily on his cane for support.

_Shepard. _

She'd disappeared three years ago- completely fell off the radar as she went into hiding in the shadows of the galaxy. Where to, no one, not even Kaidan, had known. Many assumed she had died on the brinks of the universe, others speculated she had rejoined with Cerberus and taken over as their leader after she killed the Illusive Man.

Regardless, he knew better than to think they simply _found _Shepard. Shepard wasn't lost- she was running. And she wouldn't get caught unless she wanted them to have her.

And now she's demanded to see Kaidan.

What could she possibly want with him? His stomach flipped as he fought off a relentless wave of nausea. He hadn't heard from her in three years, and the two years before that had been riddled with harsh threats and a deep hatred she held for him.

The last words Shepard had ever spoken to Kaidan resonated within him.

"_Kaidan Alenko, for your sake, I hope we never see each other again. Because I promise you- I swear to fucking God- I will fucking kill you if you so much as fart in my general direction. Even if it's the last thing I do, I _will _kill you."_

So maybe she'd finally come back to fulfill her promise. Kaidan had long ago resigned to the fact that he would be deserving of the death his old Commander had promised. But why would she be at Alliance Command if she intended on killing him?

Nothing made sense to Kaidan right now. His mind was still frantically scrambling to collect itself after hearing the news on Shepard. He never thought he'd see her again.

_ What was going on?_

Kaidan hadn't realized that his legs had carried him to follow the Admiral into the hall. His body was moving on its own accord as he surrendered control to his instincts. He heard the fuzzy words Hackett was speaking to him, but he wasn't able to distinguish a damn thing he had just said. The Major was still baffled by the entire situation he was now hopelessly stuck in.

He swallowed hard as he tried to pay attention to the words Hackett was saying, but it was to no avail. Kaidan followed the Admiral in silence, his mind preparing him for millions of different scenarios that could play out. None of which ended pleasantly for the Major.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks for all of your support! I know this story is a little different from what most of you are used to, but I hope you're able to bear with me.**

**Chapters 2 and 3 were originally supposed to be in the same chapter, but it was getting too lengthy, so I turned it into two. Hopefully, this chapter doesn't seem choppy or incomplete. I already have Chapter 3 written, but I'm having some weird formatting issues, so I'll try and post it tomorrow.**

**As always, any advice, criticisms, or reviews you have to offer are welcomed!**

**-razz**

* * *

Shepard slowly regained consciousness and felt the misplaced comfort of a soft bed. The Commander couldn't remember the last time she had laid in a bed other than the stiff Alliance-issued mattresses. It'd been too long. She tried to blink her hazel eyes open, but the fogginess of sleep blurred her vision. Something was covering her left eye, forcing it to remain closed.

She shook her head in a feeble attempt to clear her sight and felt a severe throb wrack her skull. Wincing, she tried to bring her hand up to massage her temple and was surprised at the resistance on her arm.

_What the hell?_

Though her vision was still murky, Shepard could discern the distinctive outlines of tubes that fed into her left arm and led to a sac hoisted by her bedside. Her right arm was in a cast and sling, forcing it to hug her torso. A rhythmic beeping drew her attention to the large machine that lay adjacent to her, and her eye followed the wire that stemmed from the machine and ended in a taped mass on her chest.

_A hospital. I'm in a hospital... Why am I in a hospital?_

She tried frantically to piece together the fragments of her memory. Her sluggish brain endeavored to replay the events leading up to her apparent hospitalization.

The more she struggled to recapture her memories, the farther away they slipped from her, like trying to collect sand in a sieve. There was a vague recollection of an attack on the _Normandy _from an unidentified ship. It was massive and unlike anything she'd ever seen before- a ship composed of both metal and rocky materials. She remembered fire dancing through the CIC with a menacing tempo, threatening to widen its wake to encompass the helm of the ship, as the enemy vessel unleashed its debilitating assault.

_Joker. I had to go back on the ship to save Joker._

The memory eluded her and taunted her with its circumvention. Her brow furrowed in concentration as she struggled to recreate the attack. Kaidan floated to the forefront of her mind, his face heavily burdened with indistinguishable emotion as Shepard ordered him to assist in the evacuation of the crew.

_Oh, God, Kaidan._

She'd forced him off the ship and she couldn't remember reconvening with him planet side. Did the enemy turn back and fire at his shuttle? Shepard felt her body go numb as she realized she couldn't recall whether or not Kaidan's pod had safely escaped the blast radius.

_Where is Kaidan? Why isn't he here? There's no way he wouldn't be here with me unless something happened to him. _

She recalled when Doctor Chakwas told her that Kaidan had to be dragged away from Shepard's bedside after her contact with the Prothean beacon on Eden Prime. She'd only been rendered unconscious, and the Lieutenant felt such a strong sense of protectiveness over her that he stayed by her side until she roused from her black out. If he was able bodied, nothing would prevent him from being with her while she was injured.

_Maybe he didn't escape… maybe he didn't make it… maybe he…_

The Commander refused to finish her thought. Kaidan couldn't be dead. She wouldn't let herself entertain the idea.

_He's probably in one of the other rooms here. If I was injured this badly, there's no way he came out of that unscathed. I swear to God, if anything happened to him…_

She had to see her Lieutenant. She had to see with her own two eyes (well, in this case, her one eye) that he was okay. Her mind was possessed with the fear that Kaidan lay dying in one of the hospital beds and she wasn't there to comfort him. Shepard needed to be there with him to assure him that everything was going to be all right.

Worry began to crawl into the depths of her mind as a nagging feeling of foreboding began to swarm her thoughts. Something was wrong. Something wasn't right. She had been hospitalized after sustaining massive injuries more times than she could count. But this didn't feel right; something was off and Shepard couldn't place her finger on it.

Nervousness consumed her, and she felt her hand instinctively rise to her face to let her finger idly touch the scar on her right eyebrow. It traced down her eye and ended at the top of her lip, splitting it neatly on the corner of her mouth. It was a nervous habit she picked up shortly after acquiring the scar on Mindoir- a mindless action that somehow soothed her as she tried to focus her thoughts.

A chill crept up her spine and her skin broke out in goosebumps. Her scar wasn't there. The hair of her eyebrow had grown back, over the damaged skin of the blemish. The unnaturally smooth skin of the cut was now slightly bumpy as it had seemed to reacquire its pores, long ago destroyed by the jagged edge of a batarian blade.

_My scar… where's my scar? Where's Kaidan? Where's the rest of my crew? Where the fuck _am_ I?_

Her mind was frenzied as it floundered to solve the enigma of the situation. She was alone in a hospital room with no inkling as to the whereabouts of any of her crew. Visions of Kaidan, Garrus, Liara, Tali, and a whole slew of other crewmen flashed before her. She didn't know who had survived the attack, who had died, who was hurt. She didn't have a fucking clue about anything.

She had to get out of there, find Kaidan, find the rest of her crew, and get back to her ship.

She grimaced as she ripped off the tape that held the heart monitor firmly in place on her chest. Although she was a seasoned soldier and had accumulated more than her fair share of scars, there was nothing quite as painful as ripping off a bandage from unyielding skin, viciously plucking fine hairs out of their follicles. A bright red rectangle instantly colored her skin where the tape had been. The soft beeping of the machine turned into an irritating drawl, its long whine indicating the loss of a pulse. She glanced over at the appliance, her vision slowly beginning to return to normal, and saw the deceptive flat line run across the holoscreen at its inability to register a heartbeat.

Looking back down to her left arm, Shepard hoped that the IVs plugged into her body weren't too deeply embedded in her veins. The medication she could do without, but disrupting her blood flow was another matter entirely. Her determination overruled her common sense, and she reasoned it was a risk worth taking.

She brought her left arm up to her chest and yanked out the IVs with her constricted right hand. Thankfully, the tubes detached from their nestled positions without much resistance. She shrugged off the sight of her blood momentarily spurting out from her forearm, knowing that the incision point would quickly clot. Her urgency to see Kaidan gave her a newfound strength that she used to urge her marred body to move from the bed.

The cacophony of various medical equipment rang loudly in her ears, the alarms screaming their concern at the impromptu disconnection from the patient.

Shepard hated hospitals.

She abruptly sat up in her bed and instantly regretted her decision. The room spun violently, stealing her breath away, and forced her back down on the bed. Her gut was tangled in knots as she felt panic fight its way through her. A luminescent blue fire began to swirl around her body. The blue flame of biotics.

_What the hell… I'm not a damned biotic; I'm an Infiltrator- a techie, a soldier- not a fucking biotic._

The hairs on every part of her body stood on end as the beautiful fire licked its way across her. As her fear and confusion grew, the strength of the dark energy expanded and began to stir the air around Shepard. She felt heat slowly spread to each limb and appendage as the intensity of the energy pulsated. Its power hummed through her and stayed her breath at its unexpected presence.

What the hell was going on? Why was there a biotic charge? She didn't have an implant and she wasn't a biotic. _What the hell was happening to her?_

Her fingers snaked behind her neck and felt for the telltale scar that was indicative of a biotic implant. It was a texture she knew all too well; she felt Kaidan's marking dozens of times when her hands wrapped around his neck to pull him close to her.

There it was- the incision point. A shudder ravaged her body as she realized with horror she had been fitted with an implant sometime during her unconsciousness.

Ignoring the intense spin of the room, Shepard forced herself to sit up. Desperation clutched her, and she hoped the movement would cause the unfamiliar biotics to cease. Maybe if she moved her body enough, the biotic flame would be snuffed out…

She knew it didn't make any damned sense, but at this point, nothing in her reality seemed to make sense. Fight chaos with chaos. It was a tactic that had served her well in previous predicaments, so who was to say it wouldn't work now?

As she struggled to stand, her leg betrayed her and refused to bend, causing her to fall hard on the tiled floor. It was only then she noticed the cast that worked its way over her entire right leg. Her body was broken and beaten, someone had put her under the knife to gave her an implant she didn't want, and now she was pissed off.

Shepard's biotics flared and enveloped the room. The monitoring machine was violently pushed away and smashed against the wall, cracking its frame and putting a sudden end to its grating beep. A metal tray holding various medical tools and supplies flew through the air and crashed in the ceiling, creating a rain of sharp instruments that cascaded around the Commander. One of the scalpels nearly embedded itself in Shepard when her biotics caught it in a vortex of energy, snapped it in half, and promptly sent it sailing to the other side of the room. It stuck neatly into the plaster of the wall. She shivered as it dawned on her that her biotics seemed to have a life of its own.

The door buzzed open and a frazzled woman ran into Shepard's room. Her blue eyes widened with horror as the absorbed the sight that greeted her. The doctor's mouth gaped open as she struggled to find words. Upon seeing her, Shepard's biotics diminished and the room settled as the energy pulled back towards its epicenter.

Shepard looked at the woman with pleading eyes. "Where am I? Where's my crew? And what the hell is going on?"

"Shepard. You-you're at Alliance Command in Vancouver. We found you on Tuchanka where the krogan were holding you captive," the doctor nervously stammered. "Please, ma'am, you really must lay back down on the bed. You've experienced blunt force trauma to your brain and we don't know the extent of your injuries. I just need to run some diagnostics."

She tried to raise a questioning brow at the doctor, but it was pinned down by the confines of the bandage.

"What are you saying? The _krogan _did this to me? That's impossible," Shepard scoffed as she sliced her hand through the air, refuting the claim. "Look, lady, I know you're just trying to do your job, but I don't have time for this. The Reapers are still out there and I need to get back to my ship and fight them. Whatever injuries I have, I'm sure Doctor Chakwas can treat them on the _Normandy_, or whatever replacement frigate the Alliance issues me_._"

The doctor spoke slowly, and Shepard detected subdued fear in her tone. "Shepard, you defeated the Reapers five years ago."

Her world came to a screeching halt as the words fell heavy from the doctor's mouth. The words hung in the air between the women, the tension palpable, as she tried to wrap her head around what she had just been told.

"Wh-what are you talking about?" she shook her head, trying make sense of her convoluted thoughts. "I defeated _Saren_. Not the Reapers. And that was just a few weeks ago."

The doctor took a slow step towards the Commander.

"Yes, ma'am, you did defeat Saren, but that was over eight years ago. The Reapers invaded Earth and you defeated them, too."

"No… no, that's impossible…" Shepard's voice trailed off. She dreaded asking the question before she had even vocalized it. "What's the date?"

"It's November 16, 2191, ma'am."

A lump formed in Shepard's throat. Nothing could have braced her for hearing a date that was eight years past her last memory.

_Eight years? It's been _eight _goddamned years?_

Her voice croaked as she struggled to find the words that simply weren't there. It was 2183. It had to be. There was no possibility that she was (_oh, God_) 37 years old.

_Holy shit! I'm almost fucking _40_? _

No, absolutely not, the galaxy couldn't be so cruel as to deprive Shepard of her golden years in her 30s.

She had been knocked out for God knows how long. Her mind was still fuzzy and her hearing was diluted as it recuperated from the head trauma. She just heard the doctor wrong. That had to be it, it just _had _to be.

"I-I'm sorry, I don't think I heard that right. Did you say it's 2191? You are using Earth years, right?"

Shepard tilted her ear towards the lady to ensure she would hear her with the utmost clarity. She closed her eyes to focus her concentration on carefully listening to every syllable the woman uttered.

"Yes, ma'am, that's correct," the doctor said uneasily as she played with her hands. She looked at Shepard suspiciously, not quite sure what to make of the situation. "It's Earth year 2191."

The Commander stumbled back a few steps from the force of the words that threw her world off of its axis. Her vision began to tunnel as blackness ate at the edges. She felt dizzy.

"No... no, you're wrong. It... it can't be 2191. It just can't be. It's 2183. Y-you have to be mistaken," Shepard's voice was just a breathless whisper.

She struggled to breathe, but the severity of the doctor's words squeezed at her lungs, preventing them from expanding. She wasn't able to catch her breath. She fought to stand on her feet, but gravity began to shift its hold on her, and it caused her to wobble in place. An intense wave of vertigo corrupted her senses.

"Here, let me help you to your bed. You really need to lie down and rest."

The doctor tried to usher her to the hospital bed and neatly made the sheets, clearing it of the debris from Shepard's biotic outburst.

"Shepard?"

The Commander felt her legs buckle underneath her and she reached out with her free hand, searching for something to grasp onto to break her fall. All she caught was air between her fingers, and she crumbled in a heap on the floor as her cognizance abandoned her.

_"Someone, alert the Admiral! Shepard woke up!"_

Shepard could barely make out the frantic words the doctor was yelling as she slipped into the cold embrace of unconsciousness.

_"I don't care if he's on the opposite side of the galaxy! Find Hackett! He needs to report to Vancouver immediately. Her brain injury is worse than we anticipated- she's suffering from retrograde amnesia. She's losing..."_

The doctor's word faded into silence as the blackness overtook her.


	3. Chapter 2 part 2

**A/N: Here is Chapter 2 part 2! Sorry it's a little late. I'm not terribly pleased with it, but I thought it necessary to delve into Shepard's mental state.  
Don't worry- more Kaidan is on the way next chapter :) I missed him.**

**Thanks again to all of your support, alerts, and reviews! I really appreciate the feedback.**

**-razz**

* * *

Shepard woke up huddled in a comfortable bed for the second time that day. As she roused out of the grogginess of sleep, she tried to determine whether or not the events from earlier that day had actually happened.

It felt like a lifetime ago that she found herself bogged down in a hospital bed with a myriad of tubes and wires invading her skin. Even the unbridled terror she felt when the idiot female doctor tried to convince her that eight years had passed was a distant memory.

It all seemed like a horrific nightmare to her now. Her reality had transformed into a chaotic mess.

All Shepard knew was that whatever drug that the idiot doctor had been on, she wanted.

She felt a sinking feeling of dread when her left eye refused to open, still bound tightly shut by the bandage.

_Goddammit, I really am in a hospital._

Shepard could already feel the rage start to boil her blood. She'd had enough of this. Wherever she was, she wanted nothing more than to bust down the doors and make a grand exit, forever leaving this godforsaken place behind her. She still didn't know where her crew or Kaidan were, but she was determined to find them. Maybe they had the answers she sought, maybe they didn't; regardless, she just wanted to ensure that they were safe and then they could all be on their merry way to defeat the Reapers.

Just like old times.

A strong sensation of déjà vu overwhelmed her as she repeated the tedious process of freeing herself from the pesky IVs and wires. Exercising more caution than last time, she carefully moved her broken leg to the side of the bed so she could ease herself to her feet. Despite her intense anger, Shepard managed to keep her biotics under tow, and she silently praised herself for her self-control.

_Maybe this biotic thing isn't so bad. I've seen Kaidan use his biotics enough to know the basics of relaxation techniques. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. How hard can it be?_

She disregarded the drone of the monitoring equipment as she limped to its console. She bemoaned the fact that she hadn't the faintest idea where her omni-tool was. It certainly would make hacking the unknown programming of the mechanism much easier, especially considering her dominant hand was dressed in a cast that constricted the movement of her fingers. It was be difficult, not impossible, but definitely difficult.

Shepard always did enjoy challenges of the technical variety. She prided herself on her tech skills. Kaidan had designed a game they played during their missions to see who was quicker at hacking and decryption. Much to his chagrin, Shepard had the slightest edge over him, barely beating his numbers. Kaidan had done the math and determined that Shepard won roughly 53 percent of the time. He calculated, recalculated, and recalculated again, adamant that the numbers were bearing false witness against him. Shepard had just stood behind him, a smug grin spread across her face, as she basked in the glory of beating the Lieutenant at his own game. Of course, she offered him a consolation prize and took him out to the bar and got him raving drunk. Kaidan was a hilarious drunk.

She directed her attention back to the task at hand. Despite her left-handed deficiency, Shepard had successfully hacked the machinery and reprogrammed it to loop a five minute segment of her heart's palpitations. All in under one hundred seconds. She beamed at herself, pleased that her damaged brain hadn't lost its touch. If only Kaidan had been there to witness her impressive feat; he'd never believe her when she told him of her accomplishment.

_Beat that, Lieutenant. _

Her momentary elation was quickly squashed as she realized that no omni-tool meant no tactical cloak. She may have a knack for hacking without the aid of her handy dandy tool, but her technical aptitude didn't include knowledge on fashioning a standalone tactical cloak. It certainly would be useful right about now, but without her omni-tool, it was a frivolous desire.

Shepard chuckled at herself.

_Yeah, like my tactical cloak would even work. It's not like all the people around here wouldn't hear this damn cast clunking down the hallway anyway._

Not to mention the fact that she would have approximately six seconds to hobble her way to the front door, whose location, she noted, was an utter mystery. After those precious six seconds were spent, Shepard would awkwardly appear out of thin air in the middle of some corridor or room. She laughed again as she imagined the doctors' baffled facial expressions when they saw a mangled, and allegedly deranged, woman materialize before their very eyes. Once they registered it was Commander Shepard, they'd promptly shit themselves and scurry around like cracked out mice, fighting against each other for the quickest exit.

She pondered the absurdity of her dilemma and she fought against the uncontrollable urge to laugh. The effort of muting her humor caused her cheeks to flush, tingling as she flexed the muscles around her mouth to keep it still.

As she clumsily shambled closer to the exit, she wondered what a sight she must look right now. She had some sort of bandage over her eye, possibly even an eye patch, making her resemble the seafaring "yo ho ho and a bottle of rum" pirates. Her right leg was in a cast that barred her knee from bending, producing a rather hilarious looking gait. Her skin with red splotches of irritated flesh from the deliberate removal of wires and tubes.

She must look like she came straight out one of those comedic vids that civilians loved to watch so much.

Unable to suppress her compulsion to laugh, Shepard fell against the wall as a fit of giggles overpowered her. Tears flowed out of her good eye, leaving salty trails in their wake, as she endlessly guffawed. She roughly wiped the moisture from her cheek with the back of her hand. Between bouts of unsteady breath, she began to sense that she wasn't laughing of her own accord. Sure, Shepard frequently laughed at her own jokes, even when no one else found her funny, but never to this extent.

_Holy shit, I _am _on whatever drug the idiot doctor was on._

She knew she should be furious at being drugged, but she just couldn't force herself to stop laughing. The hilarity of the whole ordeal superseded her anger. The laughter incapacitated her as she unsuccessfully attempted to pry herself away from the wall. She chortled harder as she realized that now it was just a waiting game until the drug left her system and she sobered up.

It wasn't funny, not even a little bit, but the knowledge did nothing to quench her uncontained laughter. Now it was _really_ starting to piss her off. How a person could be so incredibly furious and still have a laughing fit was beyond her.

_The moment I regain control over myself, I swear to God, I'm going to tear that fucking idiot doctor a new asshole._

Shepard leaned against the wall, the sting of tears forcing her to shut her eye, and she used every ounce of strength she had to will away the laughter.

Those crafty bastards… she almost admired their ingenuity. Who knew that forcing laughter on a person would render them downright immobile? It was a brilliant tactic, really. She made a mental note to utilize the strategy during one of her missions.

She took a few shaky breaths and felt relieved as her laughter began to subside. She was eternally grateful she'd had the prudence to hack the heart monitor. Had she not, one of the doctors would have already stormed into the room and forcibly sedated her into submission.

The Commander pinched the bridge of her nose and elongated her face in an attempt to shake the stinging sensation that threatened to reproduce her giggles. She slowed her breathing to steady her nerves.

After a few excruciatingly long minutes, she felt satisfied that she was now lucid enough to follow through with her great escape. She pushed herself off of the wall, finally, and continued her disabled walk to the door.

She wasn't entirely sure how she was going to go about sneaking out of the facility, but she'd cross that bridge when she came to it. If nothing else, it would be provide her with the perfect opportunity to test her newfound biotic tendencies. She hadn't asked for the implant, but she figured she might as well make the best of a bad situation. Truth be told, she envied the biotics in her crew. When they grew weary from fighting, they could toss out a pull field to levitate their enemies, then kick back and relax for a few moments. Lucky sons of bitches.

The sound of the door initiating the unlock sequence instantly attracted Shepard's attention.

_Shit._

She found herself face-to-face with the very same idiot doctor from before. Shepard's heart dropped at her profound misfortune.

_Fan-freaking-tastic._

The idiot doctor was intently focused on the datapad she held in her hand, completely oblivious to the fact that Commander Shepard stood less than a yard away from her. The auburn-haired lady looked puzzled by the shadow that cast on her report, and she quickly turned her bright blue gaze up. She inadvertently made direct eye contact with Shepard and her eyes flickered with confusion.

Seeing the Commander, out of her bed and unaffected by their drug-induced haze, startled the woman, causing her to drop the datapad. It fell to the floor with an audible thud, but managed to stay intact. Shepard briefly marveled at the durability of the datapad before she redirected her attention to the blanched faced doctor.

She gave the woman a fake smile.

"Ah, it's the idiot doctor! Fancy seeing you here," Shepard's sarcasm renewed the anger that had been lying in wait in her belly. "Now, if you'll just excuse me, I have genocide to stop."

She tried to push her way around the idiot doctor, but she promptly halted Shepard's movements by grabbing her shoulder. For such a tiny woman, the idiot doctor had a surprisingly strong grip.

"Shepard, you've suffered from mild brain damage and we need to continue running tests. I already told you, you defeated the Reapers 5 years ago. The war is over, ma'am," the idiot doctor attempted to keep her voice level and calm, but the panic in her eyes disproved any confidence she was trying to portray.

"With all due respect, lady, I don't give a damn what you say. I'm leaving."

A memory of Ashley Williams disrupted Shepard's thoughts. The sting of Ashley's death still weighed heavily on her, but she couldn't help but think of her whenever someone said "with all due respect". One of her favorite quotes from Ashley involved that turn of phrase: _"Why is it that when someone says 'with all due respect', they really mean 'kiss my ass'?"_

Shepard was inclined to agree with her.

"You should really consider taking your hand off of me," Shepard warned.

The doctor opened her mouth to protest, but was interrupted by the flare of the Commander's biotics. She immediately yanked her hand away from Shepard, as if the brush of the biotics against her hand had scalded her. Fear muddied her pretty face as she backed away from the soldier.

The sudden influx of power took Shepard by surprise and she stumbled back a few steps. She moaned her frustration as her biotics began to seize control of her. She turned her back to the idiot doctor and clutched onto an old-fashioned wooden desk as she gathered her bearings. The blue haze of dark energy coiled itself around her, and she struggled to govern over it. It was a futile attempt; the more she tried to subdue it, the more it resisted and pushed against her willpower. Shepard could feel herself losing the battle and knew it would only be a matter of time before her biotics went haywire and, once again, sent the room into disarray.

As her weight pressed down on the desk, she heard the soft shuffling of feet behind her. She peered over her shoulder to look at the idiot doctor, who was gradually closing the proximity between them. The Commander's eye narrowed at the woman's stance and demeanor.

The idiot doctor looked at her with concern that crinkled her well-groomed brow. She held her hands carefully in front of her in a display of vulnerability and slowly took a step closer to the Commander.

Shepard knew that approach.

It was the very same method she had used to approach a gun-wielding Talitha back on the Citadel. She was a fellow colonist on Mindoir when the batarians had raided. She'd been one of the "lucky" ones and escaped with her life at the cost of becoming one of the batarians' pets. She was just a small girl when the incident happened, and the horrors of captivity caused her to become a highly unstable woman. She'd lost her mind, succumbed to the atrocities that befell her, and Shepard had approached Talitha in the very same manner that the idiot doctor was approaching her now.

It was the way you walked towards a crazy person. And Shepard wasn't fucking crazy.

The idiot doctor took yet another cautious step towards the wavering woman.

"Don't you fucking dare take another step closer, or, I swear to God, I'll break your damn legs."

Shepard's biotics flared in spite of her best efforts to suppress it. She begrudgingly admitted to herself that she couldn't control the dark energy- she'd been lying to herself earlier when she thought she could simply will them into compliance. She despised asking for help, but deep down in her gut, she knew she needed someone to train her. Someone like Kaidan.

She felt a twinge in her chest as her thoughts drifted to him. She needed to find him, make sure he was okay, and reassure him that _she _was okay. If nothing else in this reality made any sense, at least being with him would be the one thing that provided stability to her life.

He had to be around here somewhere. "Where's Kaidan?"

The idiot doctor shot her a puzzled look at the unexpected question.

Shepard let out an exasperated sigh. She couldn't help but wonder if the Alliance had purposefully assigned her the most incompetent doctor on the roster just to provoke her anger. They did always seem to get their jollies from watching the highly esteemed Commander lose her temper. The sadistic bastards. Udina likely put the idiot doctor up to this, anticipating that Shepard would react violently and grant him ample opportunity to make a public spectacle out of her.

_Asshole_.

"Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. Where is he? Is he injured? Did his escape shuttle land safely?" Her patience was running thin.

"Ma'am, Major Alenko isn't-" the idiot doctor began before being harshly cut off by the biotic flinging of a chair across the room as Shepard spun around to face the woman.

"_Major _Alenko? He's a fucking _Major?_"

Shepard refused to believe that Kaidan could possibly outrank her.

Sure, he was an exceptionally skilled biotic and a formidable soldier. He was politically savvy, suave and professional. But, come on, he'd been promoted to Major overnight while Shepard was still a Commander? Even if he had acted valiantly after the _Normandy _was attacked and saved the entirety of the crew, the Alliance wouldn't have promoted him through several ranks, surpassing her in the process.

That was total bullshit.

_Yeah, the idiot doctor's definitely crazy._

Her hazel eye turned vibrant blue as biotic power flowed freely though her. The entire room was ablaze with the dark energy, sweeping across the area like a tornado. Everything in the room began spinning, crashing into walls, flying through the air.

Shepard couldn't control it. She tried to calm the anarchy building inside of her, but she was just a damn soldier with a penchant for tech. She wasn't a biotic- Kaidan had been her biotic. She wasn't trained to command this power.

The idiot doctor flattened herself against the door, desperately trying to protect her body from the dangerous debris soaring around them. Her omni-tool glowed as her dainty fingers rapidly typed on the screen. She fell backwards as the door suddenly opened. A man ran into the room, barely catching her before she collided into him.

He gave his female counterpart a bewildered look. "Doctor Booker," _Ah! So that's the idiot doctor's name!_ "What in the hell were you thinking? Approaching an unstable patient without any-"

"_I'm not unstable!" _Shepard yelled through gritted teeth. Her fist was clenched so tightly that her nails drew blood from her palm. She tamed the instinctual urge to lash out at them and their incredulous assessment of her.

What was wrong with everyone? They were all crazy.

Shepard felt a tingle crawl up her spine as her biotics reared up for another powerful surge. The desk she had been leaning on went hurtling across the room and shattered into splintered pieces as it connected with the wall. She brought her left arm to her face, covering her eyes with the crook of her elbow, as she concentrated every cell in her body to rebel against the energy.

"I. Want. To. See. Kaidan." She punctuated every word, heavily enunciating each syllable as the venom dripped from the inflection in her voice. The Commander lowered her arm and glowered at the pair to accentuate her demand. "_Now._"

She narrowed her eye at the doctors in front of her, daring either of them to try and approach her, try and feed her more lies. They didn't know what the hell they were talking about. It was all an elaborate ploy. Maybe she'd been kidnapped and they were trying to brainwash her into submission. Hell, she wouldn't even put it past Udina to devise this sick scheme as retribution for her directly disobeying his order that kept the _Normandy _grounded. But she wouldn't fall for it, not Shepard. Never Shepard. They couldn't fool her. Not for a moment.

She steadied herself as the onslaught of another biotic charge stirred inside of her.

"Commander Shepard, that will be enough. Stand down."

She immediately recognized the gravelly voice that bellowed into the room as the door swooshed open once more.

Shepard yanked her body into the best posture she could manage and awkwardly shifted her right arm, forgetting momentarily that it was in a sling, as she tried to salute him.

"Admiral Hackett, sir."

Her biotics began to settle upon seeing the familiar face of her superior officer.

Hackett nodded once to the male doctor, who hurried down the room and advanced toward Shepard with hesitation. She shot him a disdainful look and was readying herself to fight him off when Hackett interrupted her train of thought.

"I said 'stand down', Commander," the authority in his voice startled Shepard and compelled her to submit.

"Sir, please, I need to know what's going on. The doctor said it's 2191. But that… that's just not… possible, sir. It's 2183. The _Normandy _was just attacked by an unidentified ship," the Commander's tone was chock-full with emotion as she begged the Admiral to offer some shred of solace.

Hackett averted her gaze and Shepard had a brief moment to truly look at her superior officer. His pale blue eyes looked weary and old, and his face was laden with wrinkles and creases that Shepard didn't remember being there. A sinking feeling formed in her lower abdomen as her fierce denial temporarily vacillated.

"Steven, _please,_ I need to know," Shepard's voice broke, forgoing formality as her desperation got the best of her.

She was well aware of the fact that addressing a ranking officer by first name was a serious infraction. But with the history between the two soldiers, Shepard was confident that he wouldn't court martial her. And even if he did, so be it; she was currently suffering a worse fate than arraignment. She'd woken up from a nightmare and entered into an even worse hell.

The middle-aged doctor procured a syringe from his lab coat pocket and Shepard could practically smell the fright emanating from him. His green eyes were wary as he neared the unhinged woman, who had garnered a notorious reputation for her "shoot first, ask questions later" mentality. He knew what he had signed up for when he joined the Alliance, but sedating a crazed Commander Shepard, savior of the galaxy, hadn't exactly been listed in his essential job duties.

The doctor reached for her, and Shepard angrily tossed his arm to the side. The force of the movement coupled with her off-kilter balance caused her to lose her footing. She stumbled forward, cringing when she accidentally applied too much weight to her casted leg. The man reflexively caught her in his arm as he helped her steady her weight. Again, she roughly pushed him off of her, upset that she needed his assistance to begin with.

Hackett's prolonged silence irritated the Commander and exacerbated her fury. What wasn't he telling her?

"Goddammit, I _deserve _an explanation! Why won't you answer me? I'll be damned if I let you sedate me without at least some sort of response. You owe it to me, sir," she couldn't help the hot tears that stung behind her eyes.

But she couldn't cry- she wouldn't let herself show that kind of weakness in front of the doctors. It would only serve to validate their notions that she was a rapidly deteriorating biotic woman, flirting with the cusp of sanity. She chewed her bottom lip to stave the threat of tears as her anger was quickly swept away by angst.

The silence in the air lingered, almost tangible, as Hackett carefully deliberated on his next words. He was perplexed by the situation he had been forced into.

He had no way of knowing if this was really Shepard standing before him. She had died before and was painstakingly pieced back together, like a complex puzzle, by Cerberus. When that happened, everyone was skeptical that the person that had been revived was truly the great Commander Shepard. How were they supposed to trust something assembled by a human terrorist organization?

But she had proved their doubts to be unfounded; she was still the very same Shepard she had always been, idiosyncrasies and all_. _

Even so, Hackett had seen how the Commander responded to the events following the Reaper attack in London. Something in her had changed, something in her mind just snapped, and she lost touch with herself, becoming an entirely new person that was a stranger to them all. No one knew what happened up on the Citadel with the Crucible- the only intel they received spoke of the confrontation with the Illusive Man and how Shepard was forced to gun him down.

She never spoke about the events that unfolded in the Citadel and dodged every question asked of her. Her evasive behavior led him to believe that whatever happened up there was so horrendous that Shepard's psyche had become severely altered.

And now, here she stood before him, broken, both physically and mentally; a ghost of the vindictive person that had coalesced five years ago. He couldn't meet her stare. She looked like a terrified child, and it was bitterly reminiscent of the look in her eyes after he and Anderson had rescued her from Mindoir.

Shepard was just a scared little girl, standing defeated, fighting off tears that he knew brimmed around her beautiful eyes.

Uncertainty quieted his mouth. He just couldn't be positive that he could trust her. He had only seen her a handful of times over the years. Most of the information he gathered on her had come from Major Alenko, Liara, or confidential informants. None of it had been pretty- there were reports of her threatening her former crew mates, stealing warships, and pirating the galaxy. She had transformed into a typhoon of hatred, rage, guilt, and malice.

It was only out of his respect for her, and, admittedly, his fear of a political and media shit storm, that prevented him from throwing her in a jail cell and putting her on trial for the carnage she had wrought.

He sighed heavily as he imagined the media receiving leaked intel about Shepard. She had largely fallen from the media's scrutiny in recent years, with occasional broadcasts about alleged sightings of her across the Milky Way. If they found out about her now, that's all anyone would be talking about for months to come. Hackett simply wasn't adequately prepared to deal with all the political ramifications that could stem from placing her on public trial.

Shepard's frustrated cry cut through Hackett's busied thoughts. He studied her with a cautious eye.

"Let Doctor Phares sedate you, and I'll tell you what information I know."

He hated that he had to bargain with her. But with her biotics unchecked, she could inflict massive damage to herself, the doctors in the room, and everyone in the building. He couldn't take that risk.

"Why do you need to sedate me? I'm sick and fucking _tired _of waking up in this damned place." Shepard gave him an icy stare, her heart pounded painfully as she considered his offer.

Hackett's fingers traced his beard as he paused for a moment before responding. He didn't want to further incite her wrath with the truth.

"Shepard," he sighed, dropping his hand. "It's for your own benefit. You took a severe blow to the head that caused your brain to swell. If you keep stressing it with your biotic flares, you could cause it to hemorrhage and shut down."

Shepard stilled transiently and contemplated his words. She knew from his hesitation that he was holding something back from her. Whatever it was, she trusted that he had valid reasons for withholding it. Her list of friends was quickly running short, and she couldn't afford to piss off the only person who had offered her any sort of help. She wasn't in a position to barter with him- she had no leverage, nothing to offer him in return for his information about her.

"Fine. I'm trusting you, Admiral. Please don't make me regret that decision."

Hackett laughed inwardly at her statement that could easily describe his own quandary.

She stuck her good arm out to the doctor without looking at him- she kept her own hazel eye, alight with barely contained grief and rage, set firmly on Hackett. The Admiral found himself almost pitying the woman. He hadn't seen her so vulnerable since she was 16.

The Commander hardly felt the prick of the needle as the doctor administered her sedative.

"Shepard… What Doctor Booker told you is the truth. You defeated the Reapers five years ago by engaging a weapon known only as the Crucible. No one was sure how it would work- or even _if _it would work- and when you initiated its attack, it destroyed the Reapers." He watched her closely as he offered the words.

"But something happened to you, something horrible. You were found half dead among the wreckage in London. After your recovery, you lashed out against the Alliance and the Council, waging a personal war against us. You went rogue and decimated every troop we sent after you. After two years of rebelling, you disappeared in the galaxy and broke all ties with the Alliance, the Council, and your friends. You've been missing for over three years, Shepard."

She was still in stubborn denial about her amnesia. If she turned against the Alliance, she would remember it. She denied the reality offered to her and substituted it with her own interpretation.

She was being tested. Her mental capacity was being meticulously measured and studied to see how well she would fare against the effects of indoctrination. It was the only justification that made sense. After the Council witnessed Saren's surrender to the powerful force of indoctrination, they had to test her resolve to make sure she wouldn't suffer the same corruption. The Reapers used Saren's own logic and reason against him and turned him into their puppet. Now Hackett was trying to influence Shepard into changing her mind and blindly accepting whatever flawed logic was thrown at her.

She wasn't buying it.

Dozens of questions burrowed in her mind, racing around incoherently as she tried to grasp one, cohesive thought to latch onto. The loudest question screaming in her was of her Lieutenant. Major. Whatever. He needed to be here; she needed to hear him reassure her that the whole world had gone batshit crazy and that Shepard was the only sane person left. If anything had happened to Kaidan, she would never forgive herself.

"Sir, what about Kaidan? Where is he? Is he…" she swallowed hard. "Is he well, sir?"

Hackett frowned despite himself. After inexplicable memory loss, she still managed to avoid the issue of her renegade persona altogether.

Shepard felt the lump return to her throat full force, and she choked down the bile that built up. She trembled at the insinuations that his frown presented, completely misconstruing it as an indication of Kaidan's fate, and not of her nonchalant response.

_Kaidan… oh my_, _God, Kaidan. He's dead, I know it, he's dead._

"Major Alenko is fine, Commander. He's currently stationed on the Citadel," Hackett informed her, uncaring of the breach of confidentiality.

Relief flooded through Shepard and exhibited itself plainly on her face. She was thankful at finally receiving a shred of good news. It was a welcome change of pace from the outrageous presumptions that the Alliance officials were giving her.

"I want to see him. Please, sir," Shepard's voice became sluggish as the effects of the medicine began to take effect.

Doctor Phares gently placed his hand around her waist and guided her back to the bed. Her head felt too heavy for her body as it began to sink down into her chest.

"I apologize, Commander, but that would be unwise. I'm afraid I can't do that," Hackett's tone was morphed with apprehension.

"Why… my biotics… need him… train…" Shepard fought against the sleep that coaxed her into its grasp.

Why didn't Hackett see that Kaidan should be here? As much as she hated to admit it, Shepard needed him. While they traversed the galaxy and chased after Saren and his armada, Kaidan had been her constant, her rock, her reservoir of strength she drew upon when her own reserve had been depleted. He represented everything in the galaxy that had been worth saving.

After losing everyone she'd ever cared about on Mindoir and again on Akuze, Shepard had sealed herself off from intimacy. She feared that by allowing herself to forge friendships with people, she was signing their death warrant and had cursed them to a very short life expectancy. But Kaidan had broken down her walls and saw through her tough exterior. When she was with her Lieutenant, she wasn't Shepard the Commander tasked with saving the galaxy- she was Shepard the woman who felt a love she hadn't realized she was starved of.

He'd picked her up and comforted her after Ashley's death. He stood unwavering by her side when she mutinied and stole the _Normandy _to finish her vendetta against Saren. He'd accompanied her on nearly every single mission and offered her tactical insight to different strategies she could implement. She was loud and outspoken; Kaidan was calm, collected, and served as a buffer for her brashness, often encumbered with damage control to offset Shepard's outbursts.

Kaidan needed to be here. She couldn't do this without him.

As Hackett saw Shepard's shoulders slump with the onset of sleep, he released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. He allowed his body to relax and dropped the stiffness of his posture.

He knew Shepard was right. She'd lost all memory of the past eight years, unaware that Cerberus resurrected her and fitted her with a biotic implant. To Shepard, she was still just an infiltrator with an affinity for long-range precision and tech related tasks. She'd never had any experience with biotics before her death on the _Normandy_. Cerberus had helped hone her capabilities and trained her to control the dark energy with lethal precision.

With all that training lost to her memory, Shepard's abilities were dangerous. Without that training, her biotics would have free reign to inflict whatever pandemonium they desired. If she didn't get a grasp on her biotics soon, they'd have to forcibly remove the implant, which would likely result in permanent brain damage that went beyond memory loss. The bleak alternative involved her perpetual sedation to keep her under a blanket of unconsciousness.

No matter how he looked at the situation, Hackett knew it essentially boiled down to either "train her biotics, or make her a human vegetable."

Kaidan Alenko was a particularly skilled human biotic, and he had spent years teaching young biotics to master their abilities. He was the perfect candidate to train Shepard, and he was likely the only person that Shepard would fully trust right now. And she was the last person that Kaidan wanted to see.

The Admiral remembered with vivid clarity how distraught the Major had been after his last altercation with Shepard. He grimaced at the sight of the downtrodden man, completely surrendered to grief and shame when Shepard left him. Hackett had never seen a man more broken than Alenko. He'd obsessed himself with finding his Commander and tried to force her to listen to reason in a pitiful attempt to regain her favor. He drove himself to the brink of suicide when he failed.

But that was in another life. Time had passed, wounds had healed, and Kaidan had moved on by crafting a new life for himself. He hadn't breathed a word about Shepard in years. Hackett only prayed that Alenko would agree to aid the Commander, regardless of the unresolved issues they had. He was skeptical that the Major would willingly come to Vancouver if he was aware of Shepard's presence- ambiguity was Hackett's solitary hope.

He lifted his arm and initialized his omni-tool, his fingers deftly pushing buttons and sending out proper notices and paperwork to Alliance personnel.

"Sir, is there anything I can do to help?" the young doctor inquired when she saw Hackett's tired expression.

"Booker, please inform the Alliance of Major Alenko's impending arrival. Have them ready a room for him with all the proper accommodations, and send out an escort to pick him up. I want him here an hour ago."

With that, Hackett left the room swiftly, or as swiftly as a man reliant on a walking stick could be. As he made his way down the corridor to rendezvous with his superiors, he couldn't squash the thought that crept into his mind.

If Kaidan refused to calm down the Commander (and Hackett was fairly sure that the poor man had endured so many beatings from the woman, he wouldn't care to help her), then the Alliance would be forced to put her down like a rabid dog. Shepard deserved better than that.

He was pessimistic the strategy to incapacitate her would even work. Shepard had come back from the dead before. She defied death, spat in its face, and took a gigantic shit on its ugly head on more than one occasion. Once the Commander was pissed enough, nothing, not even death, could stop her. And that thought terrified the Admiral.


	4. Chapter 3

Kaidan let out a soft whistle as he stood in the doorway of the hospital ward, admiring its vast expanse. Its ceilings were a couple stories high, and the walls were a radiant white that almost caused the entire room to glow. It was adorned with beautiful artwork, foliage, and comfortable looking furniture that was scattered around to accommodate restless guests, anxiously awaiting good news about their loved ones.

If he hadn't known better, Kaidan would have believed that the edifice had managed to survive the Reaper invasion completely unscathed. Much of Vancouver still lay in ruins and the reconstruction effort was an ongoing, arduous task. Yet somehow, the Alliance had managed to rebuild the once dilapidated hospital to far exceed its former glory. He attributed it to the fact that the Alliance was hoping that the coziness and welcoming feel of the place would instill at least a small ounce of comfort into patients' family and friends. They may have been unable to reconstruct Vancouver overnight, but they sure as hell could make a damn fine hospital. It served as a powerful symbol of more redemption that was yet to come.

Sensation gradually began to return to Major Alenko's extremities as he sported his carefully construed uncaring, stoic expression and waltzed right into the hospital wing. With every step, he lessened the distance between him and his former amour. With every step, his mind screamed at him to turn and run back into the safe embrace of Erin. Erin represented everything that Shepard wasn't: she was safe, secure, calm, careful, stable, rational.

_ Boring._

Kaidan couldn't help from thinking the unwelcomed thought. He hated himself for it. After losing Shepard for a third time, he delved head first into a relationship with a woman who was the absolute antithesis of his Commander. Someone that would love him more than he loved her- he found solace in the twisted sense of security he felt by involving himself with a woman that he couldn't hope to love with the same passion that she held for him. He'd left Erin once before when he had the opportunity to rekindle his relationship with Shepard during the Reaper War. She welcomed him back with open arms when his Commander kicked him to the curb like a battered dog.

His mind had been consumed with thoughts about his impending confrontation with Shepard. It left him feeling cold and hollow. A couple of years ago, Kaidan would have sacrificed anything to be granted the opportunity to talk to Shepard again. Hell, he would have even settled for just being able to _look _at her again.

But that was in another life.

Now, Kaidan knew with a decent amount of certainty that there was nothing he wouldn't give in order to _not _have to see his former Commander. His feet moved as though they were cast in cement. They simply weighed too much and were unrelenting against the gravitational force that glued them to the floor. Try as he might, Kaidan couldn't force his legs to comply and he was left standing in the middle of the room, knowing he must look like an utter idiot.

He wasn't sure he could go through with this. Kaidan could live with a dead Shepard that had once loved him, but he couldn't live with a living Shepard who hated him.

He was unaware of the human silhouette standing a few feet in front of him.

"Excuse me, sir. You look a bit lost. Can I help you find something?" the lady's voice was soft and sweet, with the underlying hint of an accent.

"Ah, yes. I'm here to, ah, to see Shepard," Kaidan said with a touch of nervousness and he rubbed his hand on the back of his neck.

Her dark eyes flashed with sudden recognition as she smiled at him. "You must be Major Alenko. It's a pleasure to meet you, sir. I'm Doctor Rodriguez."

She held out a tanned hand as she introduced herself. Kaidan shook her hand, noting the limpness in her grasp. Weak handshakes had always irked him. His father used to tell him that the first impression a person gives is represented by their handshake- have a weak handshake, it shows subservience; have a strong handshake, and it shows confidence. Shepard's had been the firmest handshake he'd ever felt.

"Ma'am," he upturned one side of his mouth to give her a lopsided grin.

"Have you been informed of her condition, sir?" she asked him as she pulled her hand back.

His toffee colored eyes shifted uncomfortably as he ran a hand through his hair. Her condition? The thought hadn't struck him until now that Shepard was stationed in the hospital ward, not a containment cell. His nerves lit with fire as he anticipated seeing Shepard, yet again, on her deathbed. He made an audible swallow before he found himself able to speak

"Ah, no, ma'am. Hackett didn't have time to tell me much of anything before he was distracted by an important call."

That was a blatant lie. Well, Hackett _had _been whisked away when his omni-tool relayed an imperative message. Truth be told, Kaidan wasn't sure what the hell Admiral Hackett had been telling him on their walk over to the ward. All he could hear was the deafening pound of his heartbeat in his ears that drowned out all other noise. For all he knew, Hackett could have told Kaidan that a surviving Reaper had just landed in the city and was about to annihilate Alliance Command. He struggled to pay attention, but he had still been recovering from not only learning about Shepard's location, but her direct request to see him.

"It wouldn't be a normal day unless the Admiral had one of his confidential comm calls," she gave a short chuckle.

Kaidan simply nodded in return; he wasn't in the mood to entertain a bad joke with forced laughter.

"What's her condition?"

Doctor Rodriquez awkwardly ran her hands together as she spoke. "Come sit with me."

She turned to the side and briskly walked towards a couple of antique looking chairs. The dark brown leather was impeccable; not even the bright lights of the room revealed any scratches or scruffs on its surface. Kaidan sat across from the doctor and rested his elbows on his knees as he leaned forward.

He cocked an eyebrow at her expectantly.

"Major…" she took a long inhale before continuing, "We found Shepard a little over a month ago in a coma from sustaining substantial brain damage. She finally woke up two days ago. But the brain damage has left her somewhat… unstable."

_Brain damage. _

Kaidan had steeled himself against emotion, numb to all feeling, reverting back to the mindset he'd adopted while at Brain Camp. After killing Vyrnnus, Rahna had become terrified of him and began avoiding him. The hurt and betrayal he felt by her sudden aloofness tore at his heart. He had forced himself to become more disciplined, self-controlled, and he trained obstinately to numb himself to strong emotional attachments. It's what made Kaidan such an exceptional biotic soldier- he displayed an unparalleled ability to reign in his emotions and had a knack for remaining level headed in dire circumstances.

"Unstable how?" Kaidan questioned, feeling his palms become sweaty with tension.

He wasn't even sure he wanted to hear the answer. Unstable could imply any number of ailments. She could suffer from mental deficiencies, her vitals could be weak as she dangled over the edge towards death, she could be emotionally compromised. Unstable was too vague of a word.

"We've tried to run diagnostics on her implants, but she won't let us get close to her when she's conscious. Honestly, sir, we really don't have a full understanding as to the extent of the brain damage. From what I could gather, whatever synthetic implants Cerberus put in her brain appear to have… shorted out. It's rather difficult to explain. She suffers from retrograde amnesia and believes it's still 2183. The last thing she can recall is the Collector's attack of the _Normandy SR-1. _She's adamant that we release her so she can fight the Reapers," the middle-aged woman was speaking quickly, as if she couldn't get the words out of her mouth fast enough. She avoided looking at Kaidan. She'd heard rumors about their relationship and their violent falling out.

Much to her surprise, Kaidan remained silent and expressionless. He sat rigidly still in his leather armchair. His demeanor made Rodriguez uncomfortable and she shifted her weight uneasily.

"Her biotics are out of control. Since her memory predates her obtaining the implant, she lost all of her training. One of the chips Cerberus embedded in her brain contained an extra security protocol- basic biotic control methods and tactics- but it's inoperable now."

Doctor Rodriguez took a deep breath, finally managing to maintain eye contact with the Major. She fidgeted her hands as she struggled to find a delicate way to piece her sentence together.

"Which brings us to why you're here now, Major. Shepard won't listen to anyone, not even the Admiral, and her fear and anger are causing her biotics to take control of her. Admiral Hackett was hoping you'd agree to train her to control her biotics. If you don't, then I'm afraid Alliance Command has given the order to have her sedated," she paused as she let out a sigh. "Permanently."

Kaidan's facade finally faltered. The weight of Rodriguez's words crushed him and stripped him of any walls he had built up around his heart. He felt it painfully thump against his chest.

_Permanent sedation_.

He knew it was just a fancy, politically correct way of saying that they would kill Shepard without actually killing her. As much as he tried to hate her, Kaidan couldn't bear the thought of the Commander dying. Again. It clawed at him viciously as the pain of her previous death ran rampant in his chest.

His head fell into his hands as he took a few shuddering breaths. This was all too much for him to process. Just a few hours ago, he was a contented man living a mediocre life. And now, after working fiercely for years to pick up the pieces of his shattered life, everything came crumbling down around him with an unrelenting force.

He rubbed his eyes as he considered his next words.

"Why me? Shepard doesn't trust me; she hates me. The moment I step foot in her door, she'll attack. There are a number of highly qualified biotic professionals that can train her that are stationed in Vancouver. Just give me a moment and I can pull up a list."

He began rifling through his omni-tool, searching his files for the one that contained a list of biotic trainers. His whiskey eyes burned as his stare bore into the screen of his omni-tool, looking, but not seeing. Everything was out of focus.

His hand began to shake slightly and a tremor began to afflict his body. He could feel the prickling sensation on the back of his neck as his own biotics begged for release.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when the doctor's hand reached over and grasped his firmly. Kaidan was surprised at the odd comfort of the cool hand against his overheated one. He drifted his eyes to look at her and saw a sympathetic smile on her face.

"Major, you're all she's been able to talk about for the past two days. She thinks you died on the _Normandy _eight years ago. Trust me, she won't attack you, sir," her voice was low and soothing, after years of practice with offering words of consolation to concerned family members.

Kaidan was conflicted at Doctor Rodriguez's statement, and his heart pulled him into two opposite directions. On the one hand, he didn't want to see Shepard. His resentment of her had only grown throughout the years- he hated her for leaving him, he hated her for making him feel like a shell of the man he had once been, he hated how he loved her so unconditionally that he threw caution in the wind and tripped over himself as he followed her to the edge of the galaxy, only to have her beat him down.

And then, there was the devious part of him that nearly leapt for joy. Shepard was back. _His _Shepard was back. She had forgotten all the sour memories of half a decade. With no recollection of his frequent doubts about her (on Horizon, during their mission on Mars, at the coup on the Citadel), she wasn't angry with him anymore.

After all these years, he finally had his Commander back. But he couldn't let go of all the pent up hurt and rage she had put him through. She may have lost her memory about their colored past, but Kaidan still felt every sting of her words and punches like they happened yesterday. His emotions were terribly conflicted and he was at a loss with how he should respond.

He stood up, once again shielding his face with his ambivalent expression, and looked idly around the room. It was now or never- if he didn't force himself to go see the Commander now, he wasn't sure he would have the inner strength to do it later.

"Thank you, Doctor Rodriguez, I appreciate you taking the time to sit down and talk with me," he offered her that award-winning smile of his and shook her hand. "Could you, ah, please direct me to Shepard's roo-"

"_I swear to God, if you poke me with that needle _one more fucking time_, I will rip off your head and shit down your neck."_

Kaidan heard the loud, angry boom of a female voice as it echoed in the lobby. His skin went up in a rash of goosebumps as he instantly recognized the voice and the catchphrase "I swear to God." Yup, that was definitely his Shepard.

"Nevermind, I think I'll be able to find her on my own," he muttered quietly as he turned to leave.

He followed the trail of loud obscenities as they were shouted and knew he was nearing her room when he heard the piercing sound of shattering glass. For someone who was such an accomplished infiltrator, capable of sneaking in and out of compounds without so much as a squeak, she certainly knew how to make her presence known.

Kaidan's heartbeat quickened with anticipation.

_What the hell am I doing? She's already pissed off- if I go into that room, she'll flay me alive with her mind. I can't go in there. I can't do this. I have to leave. Hackett can find someone else to do this. _

He stumbled down the hallway, ungracefully walking as his legs couldn't decide which direction they were supposed to move. Against his better judgment, he found himself standing in front of a door that lightly vibrated with the deep bass of Shepard's rage as it destroyed the room.

He could hear his pulse in his ears, his palms were damp with perspiration, his mouth was bone dry. He had no idea what he would say to Shepard. What _could _he say to her?

"_Shepard, hey! Glad you're back! How have you been? Oh, me? Yeah, I've been great, just _great_. You know, after you beat the living shit out of me and left me to die on a derelict ship, I really got my wake-up call. So thanks for ripping my heart out, tearing it to shreds, and stomping it to the ground, you wonderful person, you."_

Somehow, Kaidan suspected that wouldn't be received very well.

He hesitated at her door, watching the beat of the door as small particles of plaster were knocked off the wall and fluttered to the ground. He had instinctively wrapped a biotic barrier around himself in anticipated defense, regardless of what the doctor had said. The Major wouldn't let Shepard have the upper hand on him, not again. He had to protect himself.

The green lock began to spin, and Kaidan took a step back as it opened. A short woman wearing a white lab coat bustled out of the room, muttering angrily to herself.

"I don't get paid nearly enough to be doing this." She pushed her way past Kaidan without even looking at him, eyes downcast to the ground, and furiously marched down the hallway.

It suddenly dawned on him that he was standing in front of the open door to Shepard's room. He felt a flurry of biotic power as it surged out of the room and brushed against his own, sending an unwanted shiver down his spine. Oh, how he had loved the feel of Shepard's biotics in tandem with his own. He'd forgotten how wonderful it felt when they slid together harmoniously, greatly enhancing his sense of touch. He and Shepard had been cruel with their biotic foreplay, teasing each other mercilessly and not letting either spill over the edge of ecstasy.

He forced himself to stop thinking about it, fearful that his carnal desire for her would overpower his self-control.

Finally, he let his eyes wander into the room. His body stilled at the sight of her and he forgot how to breathe. She was badly beaten and bruised, but she was even more radiantly beautiful than he remembered.

Her dark mahogany hair was in a tangled fray, loosely bunched up behind her head. A white bandage stained with the brown of dried blood wrapped around her entire skull and drooped down to cover one eye. The other was bright with fury, causing the speckles of green to shine out against the hazel of her eye. Her right arm and leg were in casts and gave an awkward left-leaning hitch to her stance. Her skin was a shade lighter than her usual creamy honey, probably due to her lack of outside exposure during her stay in the hospital ward. The angles of her face were set in defiance and she was a whirlwind of dangerous beauty.

Shepard's eye snapped to him. He could see recognition cloud her gaze, and relief crushed the fury that had contorted her features. Her biotics almost instantly disappeared as her resolve melted. A smile stretched across her face, and Kaidan felt the flutter of butterflies in his gut as she gifted him with the smile that was just for him.

"Kaidan!" the sheer happiness in her voice was startling.

He desperately tried to look impassive as she hobbled with effort to him. She threw her left arm around him and pulled him close to her, burying her face against his neck. Her touch was electrifying, setting every nerve and cell in his body in a state of frenzy. He could feel her hot breath tickle his skin, tormenting him with lewd memories.

Her scent drifted to his nose, the very smell he had craved earlier that morning when he had slept with the doctor… he was horrified when he couldn't immediately remember her name. Shepard's scent possessed him: it was wild, untamed, dangerous, proud, and so incredibly alluring and sexy, he didn't trust he would be able to resist the need to carry her to the bed and bury himself in her hot center.

Kaidan couldn't move- he stood perfectly still, despite the forlorn woman clinging onto him with all her might. He was paralyzed with confusion, indecision, and desire. He hadn't known what he was expecting when he would confront Shepard, but this was definitely not the welcoming he had been preparing himself for.

His hands were balled into tight fists as he struggled against his wanton urge to hold her, hug her close, forget everything that had happened, and whisk her away to seclusion from the rest of the galaxy. It was Shepard; _his Shepard. _The woman he had loved with reckless abandon, the woman he followed to hell and back, the woman he gladly laid his life down for and time and time again. He remembered a time when he would have done anything just to see her smile.

Reality began to settle back in for Kaidan. She wasn't his Shepard, not anymore. And he wasn't her Lieutenant. He felt her heart beat strongly against his chest, the dampness of her breath as it caressed his neck, the feel of her hand as it knotted itself into his raven hair, tugging slightly, exactly how she knew he liked. He felt the stirrings deep in his belly that traveled to his groin, personifying his unyielding need for her.

He couldn't bear it anymore, couldn't stand the torment of her holding him.

Kaidan carefully grabbed Shepard's hand and pulled it away from him, placing it softly back to her side. It took every shred of willpower in him to tear himself away from her and break the heavenly skin to skin contact. He pushed her back a few steps, placing a cold, lonely distance between them. He made the mistake of looking her in the eye, and his gut twisted with guilt as the pain and confusion flashed on her face, and his will began to falter. He wanted to hold her, to touch her, to smell her, to feel that she was really _real. _

But he couldn't do that to himself. Not again. Without saying a word, he turned on feet and walked out the door.

As the door closed, once again separating him from Shepard, he couldn't calm the storm of emotions surging through him. He didn't know what to think, he didn't know what to feel.

He just needed a goddamned drink.


	5. Chapter 4

**A/N: Wow... So I've decided the readers here really are the best! Thank you all so much for your support, reviews, alerts, and favorites. I wasn't sure I was even going to finish this piece to begin with, but you've all inspired me to see it to fruition. I thank you for that :) **

**Also, I currently don't have a beta so please let me know if you spot any grammatical errors or plot inconsistencies. **

**And just a heads up- I have midterms and papers due next week so it might be a while until I can post another chapter. I'm sorry!**

**You guys know the drill: all reviews, criticisms, etc. are welcomed and encouraged!**

**-razz**

* * *

Shepard stood in shocked paralysis, stupefied by the brief reunion that had just taken place. The encounter left her breathless and her jaw hung open with unspoken questions as she stared dumbly at the door. Her mind was still spinning from Kaidan's utterly confusing and unexpected reaction towards her. She inhaled sharply, her lungs suddenly remembering how to breathe.

_What the hell just happened?_

She was too dazed to be upset or angry with him for not even acknowledging her presence. She was so inexplicably ecstatic to see him again, to hold him close to her, that she hadn't even noticed he didn't reciprocate her embrace. As she replayed the short thirty-second interaction exhaustively in her brain, she began to assemble all of the implicit clues Kaidan had given her.

When the idiot doctor fled through the door, Kaidan stood motionless by its frame. He looked at her with an expression that was alien to Shepard; never before had such an intense look of confliction graced his too handsome features. Then there was his complete lack of physical response to Shepard's desperate grasp on him. He hadn't even spoken a single word to her before he broke her hold, turned his back, and walked out of the room. Not a single fucking word.

Her body reacted before her mind had time to process what she doing. She practically ran to the door, ignoring the sharp pain shooting up her right leg as she forced it to slightly bend against the steely cast. She didn't spend the vast majority of the past two days agonizing over Kaidan's wellbeing just to have him turn his back on her, leaving her with more questions than before.

The green lock took its sweet time spinning before opening, the damage from Shepard's biotic outbursts taking its toll on the abused door. Excruciatingly long seconds were squandered on the impaired door as it struggled to initiate its rotors. With a trace of panic, Shepard realized that every second that damned door wasted as it hesitated to open was one more second that Kaidan was employing to escape.

_Come _on, _you stupid piece of shit door. I promise, if you open up for me _right now, _I'll never, ever throw another chair at you. I swear to God, I'll play nice if you just open up _right fucking now.

Shepard knew it was insane to make a promise to a door, but dammit, desperate times called for desperate measures. Kaidan had just left her standing there and she had no idea why. She had to find out. She had to talk to him.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the door groaned its resistance as it pried open, painfully slow. Shepard didn't wait for the doors to fully pull apart before squeezing her body through the small opening.

She immediately scanned down both sides of the hallway, looking for Kaidan's telling civvies; she was positive he had to be the only person in the building that wasn't donning the uncomfortably white lab coat. A wave of anxiety shot through her as she saw nothing but a pool of white blurs as they scuttled up and down the corridor.

_Fuck, where the hell is he? He couldn't possibly have already left._

And there he was, his form partially obscured by the silhouette of a decorative tree. Who the hell decorates with plastic plants anyway? Shepard cursed the heathen who dreamt up the idea of garnishing the hallway with ridiculous looking greenery; it just cluttered an already cramped space.

_Fucking dumbass decorators._

Her heart was thudding rapidly in her chest, adrenaline rushed through her to attenuate the dull spasm in her leg, as she called out to him.

"Kaidan, wait!" Her voice was lost in the shuffle of people, failing to reach its target.

His head bobbed farther away from her. He was almost out of her line of sight. She was possessed by distress.

"_LIEUTENANT!_"

The crescendo in her commanding tone was loud enough that everyone abruptly ceased their frantic movements, turning to look at the source. Silence fell upon the hallway; the only sound was that of a buzzing insect as it flew innocently to random sections of wall and clicked its wings together. Shepard felt the heat of multiple sets of eyes as they settled on her with questioning awe, and a blush rapidly ascended her cheeks. She saw Kaidan freeze, his back still facing her, as his shoulders immediately tensed with an emotion she couldn't distinguish.

Shepard pushed her way through the crowd. The back of her neck tingled as the buzz of her biotics initiated at her discomfort, but never once pursued release. She issued a silent prayer of thanks to nothing in particular as the dark energy seemed compliant to her will, even if only for this moment.

As quickly as they had stopped, the doctors in the hallway resumed their activities and delicately dodged out of Shepard's path. They all were very well aware that the woman had a flare for the dramatic and it had instilled a touch of fear in every physician in the building. None of them were thoughtless enough to stand in her way or lavish her with unwanted attention when she had that dangerous gleam in her eye. In fact, they all commiserated with the poor soul that she had set her unsteady sights on, thankful they weren't victim to her target.

Her leg began to throb, protesting against the excessive weight and pressure she repeatedly applied to it. Her pace was slow and uneasy, and Shepard was fed up with the time it was taking her to reach Kaidan. Every moment that passed filled her with a renewed sense of torture as the man she loved refused to face her. She tried to remain optimistic and focused on the fact that he, at the very least, decided against taking advantage of his lead on her by running away.

Shepard anxiously bit her bottom lip before speaking out to him. "Kaidan, could you at least meet me halfway? My leg is broken, y'know."

He turned rigidly on his heel until he was facing her. He carefully avoided looking directly at her as his dark eyes focused on the suddenly mesmerizing scenery. His walk was painfully stiff as he made his way back to Shepard. She felt a stab in her heart at his apathetic attitude. Why was he treating her this way? It was cruel of him.

Finally, they stood just a few feet apart, and Shepard couldn't restrain herself from reaching out to him. He deliberately stepped back, shirking from her touch as if she would transmit some horrible communicable disease to him. Her face crumpled with pain as the implications of his body language ravaged through her, and her hand fell limply back to her side.

"Major," he said the word with a harsh conciseness.

Shepard gave him a startled look, baffled by his nonsensical response. "What?"

He rolled his eyes and he shot her an annoyed look. "You called me 'Lieutenant'. My rank is Major; has been for about six years now."

"Oh," she replied, nodding slowly, not quite sure how to reply.

"What do you want, Shepard?"

His tone was so lifeless, so devoid of all feeling, it sent a prickle across her skin as a chill swept through her bones. His voice was nothing like she remembered; there wasn't a trace of his light-hearted manner of speaking, the deep rumble as it took on a playful edge. She loved his voice, and everything he said fascinated her as she diligently listened to each and every syllable he uttered. It didn't matter what he was talking about- he could rattle off information straight off of mind-numbing financial reports and it would still be the most enthralling thing Shepard had ever heard.

There wasn't even a shadow of the voice she was so enamored by.

She found herself unable to answer straightaway. Her mouth was too dry, her tongue scraping against her raw throat as she failed in her attempt to swallow. A bout of nausea upset her stomach as she readied herself to speak.

"I… wanted to see you, Kaidan. I was w-worried about you, after… after the _Normandy _attack. I… I," she flitted her stare on the swirling patterns in the tiled floor as her emotions threatened to boil over. She took a quivering breath. "I thought you might be hurt, or… worse. I needed to see that you were okay."

Her left hand began nervously fidgeting with the strap of her sling. It wasn't like her to be uneasy and she hated that she didn't even have the strength to fake confidence. But Kaidan's demeanor had caught her completely off guard and she didn't know how to react.

She saw his perfunctory shrug out of the corner of her eye. His voice was hollow, "Well, you've seen me. I'm fine. I have to go."

She jerked her head up as he smoothly turned away, preparing to leave her behind in the corner of the hallway. She panicked. Without thinking, she instinctively stuck her hand out and firmly grasped his arm, impeding his retreat. Her eye was drawn towards the bristling of fine hairs on the back of his neck, and she was appalled that she felt the influx of his recently equipped biotics. Anger snaked its way across her face as Kaidan took on a defensive stance.

"What the hell has gotten into you? Would you just stop and _talk _to me, already?" she snapped, sounding harsher than she intended to.

She saw his jaw tighten, the slight shift of his dimpled chin as he gritted his teeth. His head was held up in defiance and pride, when he suddenly turned his gaze to meet Shepard's. The look he gave her turned her blood to ice and it took every iota of her resolve to not break his glower. She fought the compulsion to stumble back from its ferocity. It was the most terrifying expression she had ever seen.

His adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed. "Fine."

He raised a thick eyebrow at her, impatiently waiting for her to start the conversation, and pulled his arm free from her clutch.

Shepard's anxiety grew as she felt the back of her skull burning from dozens of eyes that seared into her. She suddenly was fully aware that they had an audience, trying their best to appear occupied with work while they eavesdropped on their small exchange. It made her feel hopelessly self-conscious.

"Can we at least go back to my room?" her gaze flickered to the gaggle of doctors nearby, uneasiness causing her to shift her weight. "It feels weird talking in front of everyone."

She saw his chest rise as he drew in a deep breath, measuring her words as he eyed the hallway. His hand rubbed the back of his neck in a clear indication of his own nervousness. Her heart skipped a beat at his hesitation, fearful that he was a moment away from leaving.

His exhaled loudly as he spoke, "Yeah, I can do that."

Shepard smiled with relief and wrestled the urge to link her arm through his as they headed back to the room. She just wanted to touch him to ensure that he was actually there and he wasn't going to disappear.

Instead, she resumed her ungraceful limp down the hall. Getting Kaidan to agree to talk with her had been like pulling teeth and she wasn't about to push her luck by using him to steady her step. For reasons unknown to her, Kaidan treated her with an uncomfortable taciturnity and recoiled at her touch. She would just have to accept his small concession and hope that he could shed some light on her muddled life.

* * *

Kaidan's insubordinate legs forced him after Shepard, following her to a conversation that he undeniably did not want to have. He was so close to escaping her, so close to getting out of that damned hospital and back to the familiarity of his monotonous life and routine. He had planned on leaving this whole incident behind him; pretend that he had never seen his old Commander and that all of this was just a demented figment of his imagination.

But no, some small, devious part of him had agreed to talk with Shepard before he had the chance to actually consider it. He cursed himself for his hasty response.

_What the hell is wrong with me?_

He was irresolute of what to expect. This Shepard was so unlike she had been the last time their paths had crossed. Something about her face, her eyes, and her entire disposition was sorely nostalgic of the woman she had been back on the first _Normandy_, when life was easy and simple, when their relationship had been euphoric in its infancy. Never in his life had he felt so completely whole and satisfied. Sometimes, he would find himself plagued with insomnia, just so he could look at her while she peacefully slept. His dreams never could do her beauty justice.

Seeing her as she was eight years ago was a curveball he hadn't been expecting and it sent him plummeting into a hole he couldn't climb out of.

But Kaidan just couldn't shake the pain away- seeing her alive and happy to see him was salt in a festering wound. He had spent years teaching himself how to ignore all the hurt and anger she caused him; he knew that he wouldn't ever fully recover from the misery of her treatment of him, but he could at least learn how to live with it, carefully hidden in the abscess of his mind. With Shepard's sudden, unexplainable return, all that he strived to ignore came flooding back to the forefront of his mind with a disorienting strength. The lecherous memories of their last few interactions cut a hole in his heart- he could impeccably recall the disdainful words she spat at him, the awful accusations and blame she threw in his face, in vivid detail.

Despite all of the resentment that wrapped itself tightly around his injured heart, he so desperately wanted to talk with her again, hear her explanations for the past five years, and finally have a hope of closure.

The Major was waging a furious war with himself, wanting to tell her to fuck off and go back into the hellhole she crawled out of, and the opposing part of him wanted to hear her out, give her the benefit of the doubt, and revel in the fact that the old Shepard seemed to have magically returned.

All too soon, he found himself back into her bleak hospital room. There were no windows on the walls, and Kaidan wondered briefly if it was to keep Shepard from breaking out or to prevent busybodies from peering in and capturing pictures of the long-lost Commander. He shrugged to himself as he decided it was likely both. If any knowledge of Shepard's current condition was leaked to the public, the response would be catastrophic. The most recognizable face of humanity, the woman who almost single-handedly ended a billions-year long war and conquered the Reapers, had returned, badly beaten, brain-damaged, and decidedly unstable with absolutely zero memory of past decade. He felt the thrumming in his cranium as a migraine stirred from its slumber at the mere thought.

He noticed how all of the typical adornments were missing, machines were anchored in place, and all standard medical equipment was generally absent from her room. Kaidan cringed as he imagined the devastation Shepard must have wrecked on the room for Alliance doctors to take such extreme measures. They'd all received training on how to deal with PTSD patients and were adequately prepared to handle emotional outbursts. Whatever Shepard had done earlier took the doctors by surprise and caused them to exercise extra caution. Maybe she wasn't the old Shepard after all…

He dared to look at her, sitting with visible discomfort on the edge of her bed, her broken leg sticking straight out. He watched as she attempted to pitifully massage her injured leg with her left hand. A fleeting look of pain shadowed her eyes at the pressure of her kneading. She chewed her bottom lip, her eye staring blankly in front of her, hesitant of Kaidan's abrasive demeanor.

He felt his face soften as he stared at her. He hadn't seen her so distraught, so wholly lost, since the events on Virmire where they had lost Ashley, a sister to them both.

Shepard nervously brought her hand up to her face, slipping a finger under the bandage on her head to scratch an itch that had been building up for hours.

Kaidan kept his voice low, trying to suppress the emotions that conflicted him. "Shepard… why did you ask for me to be here?"

His brow rose on his forehead, a habit he hadn't realized he adopted.

She looked up at him, and he hated the hope he saw in her eye, compelling him to sit down beside her and wrap his strong arms around her to protect her from the dangers of the world, the danger she presented to herself. He firmly planted his feet to the ground and crossed his arms over his chest, determined to not cave into his natural impulse.

_Damn testosterone. _

"Because… because, dammit, I love you, Kaidan," her voice broke as she said "love".

Kaidan felt the color leave his face.

_Love._

Shepard had a personal issue with the word and had only ever told Kaidan that she loved him once, over five years ago, the night before they left to invade the Illusive Man's base where they both believed they would be greeted with their untimely deaths. It wasn't a word widely known in her dictionary- it was taboo and she refused to attach too much emphasis on it. The fact that she felt inclined to use the word now bothered Kaidan, as it felt more like an act of manipulation rather than sincerity.

He was still recovering from her bold declaration as she blathered on, unable to stop the flow of words that streamed from her mouth.

"I just missed you, Kaidan, and I don't know why. I've only been awake for two days and it just felt like so much time had passed since I've seen you. The doctors keep trying to tell me that I have amnesia and lost eight years of my memory. But I needed to hear it from you. You're the only person I can trust now, Kaidan, and I just wanted you to be here with me for selfish reasons. I love you, with my whole heart, and I-"

"Stop it, Shepard, please, just… stop talking," he cut her off abruptly with his words. His head fell into his hands and he vehemently tried to snub the migraine he knew was about to incapacitate him. He shut his eyes tightly in an attempt to block out the glare of the overhead lights.

He raised his head and changed the subject, "Look, you need to stop being so damned stubborn, wake up, and smell the roses. Quit giving the doctors a hard time- they're just trying to do their jobs. Haven't you seen the vids?"

She averted her gaze from him and shook her head with what Kaidan thought looked like slight embarrassment.

"They won't let me. I don't have my 'tool and they won't give me any extranet access. Something about how the 'power of suggestion' will plant false memories. I just thought they were full of shit and that the vids didn't exist because none of it ever happened," she gave a one-shouldered shrug as she spoke.

Kaidan released a heavy sigh as he ran a hand through his hair, noticing how it was slick with grime. He desperately needed a shower.

"You really don't remember anything? Nothing at all?"

She shook her head again, idly playing with the bedding by her side, running the sheets into a swirl with her finger. Her face was bereft of emotion.

"The last thing I remember was the _Normandy _when it was being attacked. I put you in charge of evacuation while I went back in to get Joker…" her voice trailed off.

Shepard rose from her bed and slowly walked over to Kaidan. He saw the tension in her shoulders as she neared him, the usual confidence absent from her stance, replaced by an uncertainty that wasn't becoming of her. It set him on edge to see the Commander so vulnerable.

"I know I've been irrational these past few days. I don't know what I did, but I know I hurt you. Whatever it was, whatever I did to make you so… scared… of me, I'm sorry. I am so very sorry. I love you, Kaidan, and I wouldn't ever do anything to hurt you like that."

He groaned as she broached the subject again. It caused his migraine to flare with irritation.

"Would you stop saying that?"

Shepard's eye shone brightly with unshed tears as her face fell. She reached a hand out to him, trying to find solace in his touch, but he angrily side stepped her advance. If he let her touch him, it would be his undoing. He still ached for her, still yearned to hold her and never let go. He couldn't let himself fall into the deception. It was all a pretense, only procured by a damaged brain that produced false memories and feelings.

She looked at her hand as it hung in the air between them, rejected and cold.

"Kaidan, I don't understand. Is it really so wrong of me to say I love you?"

"Yes!" he shouted out, his hands crawling to the back of his head, interlacing his fingers together. His elbows closed around his temple as he cradled his pounding head and rocked slightly.

She opened her mouth to speak, but Kaidan didn't grant her the opportunity.

"Drop the act. It's been five years. _Five years, _Shepard. You don't love me anymore. You haven't for a long time. You _hate _me, for God's sake," his arms dropped solemnly by his side as he felt the defeat in his own words.

"Hate you? I don't hate you, Kaidan! I could never hate you."

"Really? Could've fooled me," he shot at her and she visibly recoiled from his tone.

"You're being unfair," she pouted, hugging herself with her arm. "I was just telling you how I feel. You know how hard that is for me."

His words starting rolling out of his mouth before he could stop them. "Shepard, I'm seeing someone- a doctor on the Citadel."

He knew he was going to regret the decision to tell her, but he just needed her to stop saying she loved him. Every time she said it, it tore at his heart and sent a cascade of confused emotions through his chest.

Kaidan saw her jaw clench as she set her chin with anger, her eye ablaze. Her confusion and hurt were quickly replaced with wrath, and he found himself almost relieved that she no longer appeared the damsel in distress. His desire to hold and comfort her was rapidly diminishing.

"You're _seeing _someone?" she seethed. She took a shaky breath as she tried to calm her nerves. Her heard the struggle in her voice as she tried to keep it civil. "Do you love her?"

He was momentarily stumped by her question. He had expected her to be angry, to retaliate against him and start shouting her hatred and dismissal of him. He would have welcomed that response- it would serve as validation of his assumptions that she was still the evil Shepard incarnate that had surfaced five years ago. He could hate her then and go back to his mundane life as if nothing had happened. But damn it all, she was attempting to stay rational and threw a wrench in Kaidan's scheme.

"Erin's a… wonderful woman. I don't have to worry about her dying every time she goes off to work. She never picks a fight with me or smacks me when she's upset with something. She's good for me."

_Because she's nothing like you._

He at least had the sense of mind to bite back that last sentence.

"That doesn't answer my question: do you love her?" Shepard repeated herself.

Kaidan lamented the fact that she had been so quick to pick up on his aversion. She was far too clever by half, bruised brain and all. His eyes began to glaze over as his migraine hit him full force. He tried his best to overlook the hammering.

He inhaled deeply as he scratched at his chin. "That's an unfair question, Shepard."

"No, it's not. It's perfectly reasonable. You're the one being unfair. I tell you I love you, and you basically told me to go fuck myself and that you're dating someone!" she said incredulously.

He couldn't hold back any longer, the last droplet fell into the brimming cup of his barely contained rage, causing the emotion to flow over the edge in rivulets. He was glad for the excuse to unleash the unspoken words that he had turned over in his head time and time again as he lay awake in bed, restless, while envisioning the speech he had prepared in the event he had the chance to speak with her again.

"_I'm _being unfair? Don't you dare, Shepard, don't you fucking dare."

She winced as he cursed. She could count on one hand how many times she had heard him utter that specific obscenity.

"You know what's unfair? What's _really _fucking unfair? I loved you, Shepard. I loved you so much that I was willing to deny the Alliance, the Council, to deny everything that I had ever known, just to have the chance to talk you again and carry some of the weight on your shoulders. And you know what you did? You hated me for it. You tried to kill me for wanting to take the burden off of you. Even when I refused to fight back, you beat the ever living shit out of me."

Kaidan couldn't help himself. He knew he should stop, he knew he should just shut his damn mouth, turn around, and leave. But all of the anger and hurt he had denied himself from feeling for years was forcing itself off of his tongue. He wanted Shepard to hurt the way she had hurt him. He wanted her to feel the anguish that had been saddling him for years. He wanted her to experience the hell that he'd been living in ever since London.

"And if that wasn't enough, you told me how your single regret in life was saving me on Virmire instead of Ashley. You only saved me because it required less fucking paperwork to the Alliance. I was the logical choice; they wouldn't question your order to save a ranking officer, but had you saved Ashley, God forbid you had to fill out a few extra sheets of fucking paper explaining your motives. And you know what the best part of it all is? _I believed you. _So don't you dare tell me I'm being unfair, don't you fucking dare try and say that you never hated me, Shepard. Just because you've somehow managed to forget all of the bullshit that you've done the past eight years doesn't mean it never happened. You hated me and you made damn sure that I knew it."

He was so wound up and furious that he vision was out of focus. His hands were fighting through the air as he spoke, emphasizing his wrath. His eyes had turned biotic blue from his passionate tirade, and he found that he was barely able to prevent the dark energy from lashing out. His head ached as he beat back his biotics from escaping their threshold.

Shepard stood in stunned silence, taken aback by Kaidan's harsh words and revelations about her past behaviors. She gawked at him.

He hated the way she looked so innocent, how she couldn't remember anything of the past eight years. It wasn't fair that she had a clear conscience regarding her actions while he had to suffer through the memories with a renewed pain.

He clenched and unclenched his fists as he reigned in his outburst. He couldn't lose control, not now, not in front of _her. _

"I… I don't know what to say. I don't know why I said those things, but I swear to God, I didn't mean them. I am so… so sorry." Her voice was little more than a whisper, as if speaking to herself.

He couldn't tell if her words were meant to comfort herself or him. Regardless, he felt himself calming down, his biotic implant quit buzzing for release, his anger settled back down in his gut.

A tangible silence fell upon the room. The distant sound of a heater roaring to life registered with Kaidan and caused his headache to pound at the change of air pressure. He massaged his temple, trying to push the headache away.

"It doesn't matter. What's done is done. I've moved on, I suggest you do the same. You've more important things to worry about." He backed up against the wall and leaned on it for support as he rested a hand on the nape of his neck and crossed his legs at the ankle.

"Look, you need to snap out of it. With your attitude and crazy biotics, you've got the Alliance scared. They, ah, they're considering putting you into an indefinite drug-induced coma if you can't get a handle on your implant."

Shepard scoffed, flinging her arm at Kaidan as she turned her back to him. "Yeah, like you'd even care. You'd probably be thankful for them taking care of me so you can go back to your perfect little life with your perfect little girlfriend to your perfect little house."

In a flash, Kaidan shoved himself off of the wall, and in two swift movements, he grabbed Shepard roughly by her uninjured shoulder and spun her around, forcing her to look in his angry eyes.

"Of course I care, Shepard. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be here to begin with. I've lost you three times; I'm not about to lose you again. Just because I don't lo-" The word caught in his throat, dubiety staying his tongue. He couldn't deny the part of him that still loved her and always would. "-don't want to be with you, doesn't mean I don't care. Eight years is a long time, Commander. Don't presume to know anything about the man I am anymore."

He saw her gaze glimmer with a whisper of fear at his unruly physical response and he instantly felt disgusted with himself. He loosened his grasp on her, horrified he had lost control, and withdrew his hand. The knowledge that he had held her firmly enough to leave five finger-sized bruises on her shoulder gnawed at him. He and Shepard had gotten into hundreds of arguments and they constantly butt heads over even the smallest issues, but never before had he laid a hand on her. He hated himself for allowing his anger to possess him.

"I… I can't do this, Shepard, I can't train you. I'll recommend some highly qualified biotic specialists in the area. Hell, I'll even try and track down Jack. You'd respond well to her unconventional teaching methods. But I can't do this anymore. I just… I can't. I'm sorry." He turned his body away from her and took a step toward the door, his head drooped low on his shoulders.

The inflection in Shepard's tone radically changed with the threat of his departure. "Wait, Kaidan! I'm sorry for saying that about Erin, I was completely out of line. I was just hurt and I shouldn't have acted that way. I'm sorry, I really am. But please don't do this. I need you to train me. I don't trust anyone else to do it. I don't… trust myself with anyone else. It has to be you. Please," she pleaded with him, forgetting all of her previous anger and hurt.

Kaidan winced as he heard the desperation plainly in her voice. He felt the displacement of air as she moved to stand behind him. The heat of her hand radiated on his back, millimeters away, as she vacillated with the urge to touch him. He closed his eyes as he resisted the temptation to lean back against her hand and close the distance between them. His migraine screamed its protest at his physical exertion to kept his body still.

He couldn't turn his head to look at her. He was so tired. The past hour had left him emotionally exhausted and he was ill-equipped to continue combating the chaos. He simply didn't have any strength left to keep swimming back to the surface, gasping for air, as torrential waves incessantly broke over his head and drowned him. He was fighting a losing battle.

"I'm sorry, Shepard."

He opened the door and walked out, hoping that this time, she stayed in her room and left him alone. He needed time to clear his head and organize his thoughts and feelings from their disarray.

Kaidan felt numb as he walked down the hallway, mindlessly bumping into doctors and muttering half-hearted apologies.

He'd be back. The conviction of the thought penetrated his logic, mocking him with its daunting promise of impending heartache and self inflicted torture. Shepard was his drug of choice, a hundred times more addictive and lethal than any amount of red sand could ever aspire to. If mercs and drug launderers could bottle her essence and sell it on the market, they'd all be millionaires within a week and well on their way to a comfortable retirement.

It was an obsession he couldn't shake and he felt himself teeming with self-loathing at his weakness. His self-deprecating behavior was reserved solely for Shepard, and he had no doubt in his mind that he would once again drive himself to the brink of death to save her, to talk to her, to touch her, see her, smell her, taste her. It was never enough; the crumbs he'd had to survive off of for the past five years did little to satiate the wanton hunger that always lay unsatisfied in the depths of his stomach, starving for just another taste, however small, of the drug that was Shepard. And now, after being teased with a smattering of her alluring poison, it had come back with a fiery vengeance, coercing him to seek out more and fill the hole she had left.

He was sick, he was depraved. He wanted more. Always, he was wanting more of her, and there was nothing he could do to beat back the irresistible need. Even if it meant the death of him, Kaidan would stop at nothing to appease his propensity for her. Just one last dosage...

His migraine was becoming deafening and he realized with dread that he had left his medication back in his apartment. Without Erin to provide the narcotic, he had no hope of mitigating its bite.

It was a migraine that could only be cured by two things: a shot of Shepard, or countless shots of whiskey. He settled for the latter, knowing it would only be a matter of time before he found himself back in her room, impatiently waiting for his fix.


	6. Chapter 5

The glass clinked loudly, wobbling on its base, as it was tossed carelessly on the bar. Before it had the chance to settle its teetering, a heavily-bearded man pulled out a cheap looking bottle of whiskey from a hidden cabinet and hastily poured two fingers worth of the nectar. It sloshed around in the tumbler as the weight of the fluid forced the cup to finally rest on the counter.

"Better make that three," Kaidan's voice was thick with the consumption of several shots.

His forehead rested on the counter in front of him, and his head comfortably nestled into the cave his arms created. The chill of the wooden surface felt comforting on Kaidan's overheated skin, soothing the migraine as it receded into oblivion. He lazily held up a hand and waggled three of his fingers.

The bartender grumbled an incoherent response that Kaidan didn't care to hear. He hadn't come here to engage in idle chit-chat with the barkeep- he was here to get mind numbingly drunk. The only purpose the bartender served was to provide Kaidan with an unlimited supply of alcohol, no matter what the cost. He was the perfect customer: a lonely, desperate, moderately wealthy man who wanted to lose his worries and frets at the bottom of a bottle.

_Just pour the alcohol, asshole. _

The soft splashing of liquid rang like music to his ears, accompanied by the harmonious melody of glass skidding on wood as it skirted over to the drunken man. He felt the cup lightly smack into his open palm and he happily encircled his fingers around its circumference.

He raised his head, squinting his eyes as they adjusted to the dim lighting of the room. He looked longingly at the pool of whiskey that closely reflected the shade of his iris. Bringing the tumbler to his lips, he threw his head back and opened his throat, welcoming the burn of the whiskey as it slid down to his stomach. He emptied the glass in a single gulp and smashed it back down on the bar.

He wanted another one. He'd only had what… four or five? Maybe six. Well, that could have been his seventh. It was number eight, tops. Definitely not more than nine.

The Major's eyes wandered about the room, soaking in the ramshackle sight. It was a recently renovated bar and was designed in homage to the taverns that littered the streets a few centuries ago. The décor was neutral; lots of wood, poor lighting, tall bar stools, shitty music, and a disturbing number of street trash. It was a depressing place, but the dismal ambiance complemented Kaidan's mood.

Vancouver had once been a beautiful and thriving city. It was high class, rich with history, and housed wondrous buildings, parks, and museums. It hadn't lacked in diversity and was home to numerous cultures, brought together in the city by the placement of Earth's chapter of Alliance Command. It was nothing short of a marvel.

It had also been one of the first cities on Earth fallen victim to the Reapers, and the destruction they wrought was devastating. The city was now nothing more than a memory with no hope of ever retaining its former glory. The only part that had been restored was the radius surrounding Alliance property. Everything else was heedlessly tossed to the back burner, forgotten among the noise and distractions of politics. There were still dozens of teams that worked tirelessly in the reconstruction efforts, but all of the energy and vigor had been expended on restoring the Alliance. Civilians and their territory were largely denied government levies to aid in their struggles, and Kaidan frequently found himself standing in front of the Alliance committee, passionately appealing to them to assist his hometown. Each time, despite the meticulously detailed arguments he had written out, they waved him off like some bothersome insect. They echoed themselves as they prattled on about how they simply didn't have any resources or personnel to spare.

It pissed him off.

Over the years, Kaidan had lost faith in the Alliance. Ever since they placed Commander Shepard on trial to appease the war mongering batarians, his confidence in them began to wane. Doubt wore his trust thin as he saw their deteriorating treatment of Shepard. Only Anderson and Hackett ever seemed to show the woman the respect she deserved. Everyone else discredited her, gave her the cold shoulder, and turned a blind eye to her warnings about the Reapers.

It was no wonder Shepard turned her back on the Alliance five years ago- they had used her as a scapegoat. Whatever the Crucible was, it not only destroyed the Reapers, but all synthetic life, including the geth, and it had caused the Mass Relays to become inoperable. The alien troops that had rallied on Earth to fight were trapped on the human home world. The dextro species fought over the limited supply of edible food, the krogan with their pent up rage and itch to fight were clashing with other species; the list of atrocities could fill a novel. And all the grievances were placed solely on Shepard's shoulders.

After the loss of communication with Arcturus Station, a small committee had been quickly established to represent the Systems Alliance. They gathered the most prominent Alliance figureheads that remained and bunched them together to form a lackluster group starved of proper political experience. The inept panel unilaterally decided Shepard was responsible for the ramifications of the war. Hackett, Kaidan, the entire _Normandy _crew_, _and an overwhelming number of fellow soldiers, human and alien alike, had attested for the Commander, but the small, fearful committee brushed them all off. The Alliance threw her under the bus and blamed her for all the hardships that the survivors endured. If she hadn't activated the Crucible, then those people wouldn't be suffering; ergo, Shepard must be to blame. It didn't matter that her activation of the device was the defining moment in their fight against the Reapers, completely wiping them from the face of the galaxy. It didn't matter that she nearly martyred herself to save every organic being left in the Milky Way. All they focused on was the struggle of the survivors and decided to incriminate Shepard for her valiant effort.

They were a bunch of ignorant bastards.

He hated them for it, and he almost went AWOL in his efforts to find and rejoin Shepard. He knew she would wage a personal war against the Alliance, but he had hoped he'd be able to convince her otherwise. What they did to her was reprehensible, but killing off the only human organization capable of restoring Earth was not the way to grant them their comeuppance. Humanity needed the Alliance to rebuild society.

One of the first places of concentration had been Vancouver, where the representatives of the Systems Alliance had once again failed to meet Kaidan's expectations. They abandoned the city the moment Alliance Command was revived.

And now, the formerly glorious metropolis was reduced to a wasteland of rubble, broken dreams, and death. The upper class, high society residents had cut their losses and moved to the more flourishing cities scantily scattered across the globe. All that remained were the low lives who gave up on life as life had given up on them. They were forced into lives consisting of petty crime and joined gangs out of necessity for survival. Their identities before the Reaper invasion had been washed away by the flood of turmoil and obliteration that followed.

They all lingered here in this bar, and Kaidan could feel the hatred in their stares as they scowled at the Alliance scum. He berated himself for sauntering into the decrepit bar, littered with people tainted by bitterness towards the governing body, still clothed in his Alliance issued civvies. He was sorely out of place and received sidelong glances filled with loathing. Kaidan was fairly certain the bartender had added a special ingredient to his drink in order to express gratitude for his service in the Alliance.

It did little to upset his already soured mood, and Kaidan was assured that even if they all flanked him at once, with a strategically placed kick of his biotics, he'd have each and every one of these poor, betrayed people flat on their asses. Over the years, he had learned to embrace his biotic prowess and no longer feared the power he was capable of conceiving. It had transformed Kaidan into a biotic soldier on par with even the elite of the Asari, and few had ever bested him in the manipulations of dark energy. It was a fact that the Major prided himself on, even bordering on arrogance.

He pulled himself free of his musings and self-adoration to garner the bartender's attention and order another drink. Kaidan had come here with a purpose, and he intended to see it to fruition. He wasn't near drunk enough to consider his mission a success.

The grumbling barkeep was sloppily wiping a tumbler with a dirty rag, attempting to ignore the drunken officer.

A deep voice rumbled behind him. "The way you've been nursing those drinks, you'll be on your ass in an hour. Must've been a helluva day."

Kaidan's toffee eyes opened wide with stunned recognition. He tasted the bitterness of bile as it climbed up the back of his throat and coated his tongue. His posture bristled in anger.

"Dad."

The word hardly held any sentimental value or meaning to Kaidan. It was an obligatory title that he used to circumvent confrontation with the domineering man.

"Whatever he's having, better make it two," his father's gravelly voice resonated in the room, and it held an air that demanded respect and obedience.

"Hello, son. Mind if I have a seat." He knew it wasn't a question- it was a statement that left little room for argument.

Kaidan shifted uncomfortably in his seat and covered his mouth with his hand in a feeble attempt to hold in his wrath laden words and accusations. In his slight inebriation, he didn't trust he could silence his words. Besides Shepard, Kaidan's father was the last person he wanted to see.

His dad dragged a wooden chair across the floor, making an irritating clamor as its legs skipped across the divides in the planked flooring. His burly form eased onto the seat and he leaned forward, resting his elbows on the tabletop. The bartender swiftly attended to the two, intimidated by the newcomer's presence. He set down two shots of whiskey and made a quick retreat back to his station.

Kaidan's jaw ached as he clamped his mouth tightly shut.

"You're in Vancouver and you didn't even call to tell your mother? It would break her heart if she knew that you were avoiding her. That's cowardly, even for you, son," he said over the lip of the glass.

Kaidan felt his blood simmer as his father insulted him. He knew it'd be best to err on the side of caution and disregard the statement.

"How'd you know I was here?" He ran a hand through his salt and pepper hair, lightly scratching his scalp.

The older man let out a humorless laugh. "I'm retired, son, not dead." He took a sip of whiskey. He smacked his lips together and released a sigh. "I'm also aware of the nature of your impromptu visit. Same reason you're here in this bar now." He made a swift motion towards the room with his glass, the whiskey swirling at the movement.

Kaidan groaned and slumped against the table's surface. "As much as I love these father-son talks, I'd really rather not listen to how much of a sorry disappointment I am. Thanks, but no thanks."

His father looked over at Kaidan with dark eyes, taking another swig of his drink, and gave him a fleeting shrug.

"Life isn't about getting what you want or don't want, son. It's about compromise and sacrifice, it's about integrity and honor, it's about doing what's right. You of all people should now that by now, Kaidan. The woman you love led her life by that philosophy. Damn shame it didn't rub off on you," his father said as he solemnly shook his head.

Kaidan cringed at his father's present tense usage of the word "love". It grated him more than the flippant comment about his lack of character and integrity. He stared at the bottom of his drink, the soft lights in the room dancing off of the reflective surface. Microscopic diamonds peppered the drink and added to its beckoning allure, calling Kaidan to drink its content.

"That woman died a long time ago, dad," he spoke with little emotion, struggling to enunciate against the slur of the alcohol. He wasn't drunk enough to have this unsolicited reunion with his father. He downed his whiskey in a single swallow.

"That's exactly my point, son. That woman died years ago, but now she's back and asking for your help. It's your duty to provide assistance when your Commander requires it. You can't turn your back on her now."

Kaidan couldn't stop the grunt that escaped his lips. His entire life, Kaidan had rolled over and taken his father's verbal lashings. He learned long ago that taking the castigation in stride was his best option. Showing any opposition to his father never bode well for the Major, and he learned to bite his tongue and swallow the jumble of words that begged for release.

The buzz of alcohol loosened his inhibitions and finally enabled him to voice his anger with his father. "Why do you keep siding with her, dad? I know I've screwed up and I've made some really shitty calls, but dammit, she wasn't perfect, either. She tried to _kill _me. She almost succeeded."

His father scoffed and twitched his lips into a devious grin. "Yeah, well, you show me a woman who hasn't wanted to kill the man she loves. I'd be worried if she hadn't." He leaned against the cross hatched backing of the chair, resting his intertwined fingers on his midsection. "You're a lucky son of a bitch, you know that? Any man would give his left nut to have the chance you've been given."

Kaidan huffed with disbelief. His forehead rested on the tips of his fingers as he settled his elbow against the tabletop.

"You're joking, right? I fail to see how having my pissed off ex-girlfriend come springing back into my life is lucky. Last time I saw her, she handed me my ass on a platter, told me about what a piece of shit I am, and followed up by saying she regretted saving me instead of Ash. And now she acts like nothing ever happened and that I'm the irrational one. I can see how you'd confuse that with a happy reunion."

"Exactly!" the retired solider threw his hands up in the air, startling Kaidan and caused him to imperceptibly flinch. His father spoke emphatically, pointing his index finger at the Major's face, "Son, here's a pearl of wisdom for you: women can be vengeful bitches capable of holding a lifelong grudge. And they'll spend their entire lives giving you hell as retribution for what you did. Hell, your mother still gives me grief about things I did five decades ago. _A half century has passed and she's still angry that I forgot our first anniversary. _I wasn't even in Vancouver_; _I was TDY on the Citadel! I'm still paying the price for that."

His father mumbled incoherently into his tumbler as he took the finishing drink. He flagged down the bartender and tilted his head toward the Major in question. Kaidan cocked a brow and sucked in a breath as he considered. His father appeared to be rather long winded tonight; he'd definitely need another drink if he was going to suffer through the diatribe. He raised his head and gave a short nod.

After ordering another round, the older man continued, "But you… you've now got a woman who forgets all the stupid shit you ever did and she's not mad at you anymore! All those times you doubted her, abandoned her, challenged her calls, she doesn't remember it. None of it at _all_! You've been forgiven and she's back to being head over heels in love with you. The only things she remembers are the good times. You know how many men would kill for that opportunity?"

The underlying jealously was evident in the man's voice, and Kaidan felt unsettled by the show of emotion. He'd never known his father to exhibit any sign of humanity or feeling and it caught him off guard. He was unsure of himself and tried to gauge how he should respond. His brain was hampered by the effects of the alcohol and struggled to think, laboring to process the ridiculous argument his father was trying to make.

"Dad, our problems weren't as simple as who forgot to take the trash out last night. Maybe she doesn't remember what I did, but soon enough, she'll find out. Someone will tell her, she'll read about it on the extranet- somehow, she'll find out. And then she'll be furious at me all over again and we're back at square one."

Kaidan felt defeated at the thought. He couldn't handle Shepard being upset with him with a refreshed vigor, or fending off her attacks while attempting to convince her that he just wanted to help, just wanted to be there for her. The pair had a rich history, a hefty portion of it unpleasant, and it wasn't something he was willing to suffer through for the hundredth time.

His father shook his head, his lips set into a thin line, as the bartender approached them with two refreshed glasses and set one down in front of either man.

"Nope, not true, son. Women are complex creatures. It's not what you did that makes them so angry, hurt, and vindictive. It's the way you made them feel that gets them so wound up. Your mom doesn't care that I forgot to get her a present; she's upset that I made her feel like she wasn't important to me, that I didn't love her enough to remember."

Kaidan gladly drew the tumbler into his hand and gripped it tight enough that his knuckles turned white. He wasn't sure he wanted to sit through the lecture and hear what his father had to say. It only stirred up painful memories and emotions that had driven him to the bar in the first place.

"Shepard might hear about all that bullshit you did, but she doesn't remember how she felt when it happened. She doesn't remember feeling betrayed, lied to, hurt, unimportant, or unloved. She has no emotional attachment to those memories. Without those emotional ties, she has little reason to be angry with you. You've gotten off scot-free and have been given a clean slate to work with. You lucky son of a bitch," he said the last part in a harsh whisper. He faced the bar and stared at the wall in front of him, eyes glazed over with a past memory.

Kaidan let out a heavy sigh. His fingers began to cramp at his fierce grasp. He pried them off of the glass and wiggled each digit to relieve them of the tension.

He spoke softly, the alcohol convincing him to open up his Pandora's Box of feelings. "Just because she doesn't remember doesn't mean that I don't, dad. I… I don't know if I can forgive her for what she did_. _I can't even forgive _myself _for the things I did to her. The fact that she's back, memories and hurt gone, only makes it worse. I… I'm not strong enough to just push that all behind me and help her. I can't put myself through that, not again. You want to be in my position, dad, then by all means, please, help yourself. It's all yours."

There was a painful silence that lingered between the two as Kaidan's words trailed off. He shifted uncomfortably and toyed with the idea of finishing his drink and making a swift departure.

The silence was finally broken as the elder inhaled a deep breath and let it out slowly. He took a large sip of the caramel colored beverage, mustering up the courage to speak.

"Son… I know I haven't ever been a very good father. I spent a lot of your childhood away on missions or stationed on distant planets and colonies. But that doesn't mean I don't care about you, Kaidan. I've been hard on you your whole life, riding you to push yourself, challenging you to constantly strive for excellence and never settle for second best. I only did that because I know what you're capable of achieving and I knew you could handle the tough love. I wanted you to become the man you were born to be, and the road down that path isn't supposed to be easy. You might resent me for that now, but I hope someday, you'll realize I did it for your benefit. If you ever have children, you'll see where I'm coming from."

"Erin and I aren't having kids, dad. Don't listen to anything mom says," Kaidan abruptly spoke out to discredit any notions his father had. His tone was firm but carried a trace of light-hearted humor.

His father's posture relaxed and he let out an appreciative breath. "Oh, thank God. I'm not ready to be a grandpa; I don't feel old enough yet. Plus, it'd a travesty to rob the Alliance of one of the few decent officers they have right now."

Kaidan raised an eyebrow at his father and peered over at him through the corner of his eye. "Careful there, dad, or I might start to think that you actually complimented me."

"Don't get your hopes up, son. I did just say 'decent'." He brought his glass up to point at Kaidan.

"And there's the father I know," Kaidan settled in his chair, attempting to find a comfortable position. His back started to ache from the prolonged immobility. "Is there a point to this sentimentality? This softness- it doesn't suit you."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm getting there," his father murmured as he rested his forearms on the bar. He turned his head to look at Kaidan, holding his gaze. "My point is I know that your Commander hurt you. I saw how you responded to her death on the _Normandy. _I saw how torn up you were after London, after you scoured the galaxy looking for her. I've never seen a man so obsessed with finding the woman he loves to save her from herself."

His father broke the eye contact and his eyes clouded over. His expression turned dark as he recalled a painful memory. Kaidan could sense his dad's internal conflict as the older man struggled to piece his thoughts together to make a coherent speech.

"Hell, you've never been the same since then. You're like an elaborate VI - you go through the motions of life, you give appropriate responses in social settings, you're self-sufficient and have a luxurious life - but you're not human, son, not anymore. You're alive, but you're not living. I saw a side of you that I never knew existed until Shepard walked into the room. You just… you had this... _glow_ about you. She made you want to be a better man, Kaidan. She… she made you _happy. _Really, truly happy. Everyone saw it; you kids thought you were so sneaky and so clever, that we all were fools and had no idea about your fraternization. But anyone that looked at you two saw two kids madly in love. I'll always be grateful to her for that. It's hard to hate the woman that gave my son something so special."

The Major hated where this conversation was headed. It began with accusatory words as his father passive aggressively harangued him for events that happened years ago. But his dad made a drastic u-turn and steered the dialogue toward a path that Kaidan wasn't prepared to traverse. Of course he knew how happy Shepard had made him, and he was well aware of the fact that, figuratively speaking, he died when she died. He didn't need a harsh reminder of the shell of a man he had become. He lived it every day.

He wanted to get the hell out of there.

"Look, dad, I know you mean well, but I have to-"

His father placed a large hand on Kaidan's shoulder, the weight of it forced Kaidan to stay in his chair and listen.

"Now, just hear me out, son. I swear I have a point to all this. I'm not a senile old man just blathering on. Well, not yet anyway. You see, when I was a young man that had just enlisted in the Alliance, I met a woman: Maria. She really was one of a kind… the sort of person that always sticks you. Always. I was absolutely crazy about the girl. We were both soldiers stationed on the same ship, and the bond you create with someone that you entrust with your life is immeasurable. I loved her, Kaidan, and I still do to this very day."

Kaidan looked at his father with confusion, trying to follow the lines he was drawing out for him, and getting lost in the scribbles. His drunken brain was moving sluggishly, blurring the skewed lines of reason penciled before him.

"…mom's name isn't Maria, dad."

His father gave him an incredulous look, his eyebrows clenched together with annoyance.

"Well, no shit, Sherlock. You know, you've always had a knack for pointing out the obvious. For someone who is so damn intelligent, you can say some really dumb things," his father's grave tone rapidly gave rise to his irritation.

"Must run in the family," Kaidan mumbled as he drew circles with his glass on the table.

"Ha. Very funny, son. You certainly didn't inherit my sense of humor. At any rate, what I'm about to tell you, I haven't told a soul. Not even your mother. And if you breathe a word of this to her, so help me God, I'll smack you into yesterday," he turned to look at Kaidan firmly, emphasizing his appeal.

Kaidan backed away from him, slightly daunted by the unexpected passion that his father spoke with. He nodded his head in acceptance of the promise. "I'm listening."

"Well anyway, Maria was a helluva woman. Stubborn as hell- once she made up her mind about something, there was nothing you could do to change it. She was damn feisty, too. We always were fighting, sometimes they even turned physical. That tiny girl could pack a helluva punch, lemme tell you. Our fights always ended in one of our bunks."

Kaidan scrunched his nose in disgust at his father's unnecessary elaboration. He was sure he could have gathered the same poignant message from the story without that added tidbit, even with his drunken handicap. The older man was oblivious to his faux pas.

"I hated her sometimes, sure, but I loved her with everything I had. The way she made me feel…" he paused as he reflected on the emotion.

The Major scrutinized his father's expression and was struck by the similarities he saw etched in his aged features. The way the milk chocolate eyes dimmed in brightness, their hue muted by the crushing weight of loss. The ridges that divided his forehead into uneven segments as his thick brow furrowed with complex emotion. The line thin of his mouth as he set his lips in consternation. It was the same look Kaidan had found himself inundated with during the course of the past five years.

Seeing his father touched so deeply by a timeworn memory tugged at Kaidan's heart strings, slightly sobering him up.

His father continued, "It… made me want to be a man deserving of her love. I was always tripping over myself trying to find a new way to impress her, to get her attention, give her something new to love about me. She was a whole lot like Shepard. I think that's why I've always liked her so much."

With that, he looked over at Kaidan and gave him a rare, genuine smile. The faraway look in his dad's eyes quickly returned as he carried on with his memoir.

"We got into a bad fight one day - one for books - and lemme tell you, I've never seen such a furious woman. 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' and all that mumbo jumbo. I was so angry at her. I hated her; I hated myself. And she hated me," his words were passionate, the emotions still perturbed him. He paused for an ephemeral moment, drawing in a deep breath.

His voice tempered. "I don't even remember what the fight was about anymore… I only remember how we reacted afterwards. She never looked at me the same, never treated me the same. But out on the battlefield, we were still the perfect complement of soldiers, despite our personal issues with each other."

Kaidan's dad readjusted his seated position, and leaned casually against the chair, propping his legs up on the edge of the table.

"There was this mission we had, supposed to be an easy-in, easy-out deal. Any Alliance soldier knows that those easy routine missions always go to hell. We weren't prepared for the ambush the turians had planned. We walked right into the thick of it with shoddy armor, a few clips, and pieces of shit guns. It wasn't long before the majority of our team was wiped out. It was down to just me and Maria. We were close to our objective, but we were pinned down. I was faced with a choice: retrieve the data and let Maria die, or save Maria and let the enemy escape with the data."

There was a pregnant pause as the man hesitated to continue. Kaidan reluctantly felt his compassion branch out to his father, not needing to hear him continue to know the outcome of the mission. His chest ached as he compared his father's ultimatum to the one set before Shepard on Virmire.

"I chose the data. I saw her as she died, the look in her eyes as the life left them. It was a cross between understanding and betrayal. I'll never forget that look as long as I live…" Emotion briefly permeated into his words at the piercing memory, stealing the sound away from his lips. "It's a choice I've regretted every single day since. If I could do it over, I would go back and save Maria in a heartbeat. The data was useless anyway. I was in a position where I could save her, and I let her down, son. I have to live knowing that I sentenced the woman I love to die. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, especially you, Kaidan."

He cast a knowing look to Kaidan, and he knew his father was hoping to impart some shred of wisdom to his troubled son. A lump formed in his throat at the inference that his father crafted. Shepard needed him, desperately, to help reconstruct her life, to hone her biotic tendencies, to help her mold her life into something recognizable. If he refused, he knew it would ultimately result in her incapacitation, a prisoner to unconsciousness until the end of her unnatural life.

He struggled to swallow, to breathe. Lucidity rapidly encompassed his thoughts and chased away any remaining trace of intoxication. He glumly looked down and realized he had yet to ingest his drink.

"Sure, I moved on with my life. I met your mother, fell in love, settled down, got married, and had a kid. I love your mother, son, don't get me wrong, but it was nothing compared to the way I loved Maria. You see, you have your great loves and you have your good loves."

Kaidan's father straightened his posture and sat directly facing him, trying to ensure his son absorbed every word he spoke.

"Good love is nice, comforting; it's easy, comes naturally, there's not a whole lot of fighting, but there's not a whole lot of excitement, either. It's a love you settle for- it leaves you feeling slightly unsatisfied and you're not quite sure why."

The Major's thoughts drifted to Erin despite his best efforts.

"Now there's great love. It's something that everyone spends their entire lives looking for and few ever find. It's a crazy love: passionate, wild, untamed, exciting, completely unpredictable. It's filled with fights and clashes, but it's also filled with unbridled passion and happiness, a total sense of completion and wholeness. It hurts sometimes, it drives you crazy, it makes you furious. But it's the only type of love that leaves you feeling fulfilled. It keeps you up at nights because you're scared if you go to sleep, it'll somehow slip away from you. It's the single most glorious feeling in the galaxy. I was lucky enough to find it with Maria and was stupid enough to let it go."

Kaidan ruthlessly tried to suppress any thoughts of Shepard from surfacing in his mind- he needed something to focus his attention on. Something, anything. Dammit, everything was uninteresting in this dreary establishment.

His stare flickered to his father's face, finally finding his distraction. The look in his dad's old, brown eyes was indecipherable. Kaidan couldn't dissect its meaning and it bothered him. Was it regret? Sorrow? Empathy?

"You, Kaidan, you have a good thing going with Erin. She's a nice girl; she's smart, accomplished, beautiful, and she adores you. You hardly ever fight or get angry with each other. She's a good love: one you've settled for, one you feel content in but not truly happy. You don't look at her the way you looked at Shepard. You don't have that glow that Shepard gave you. You're not the person you're meant to be with Erin, and you know that."

Kaidan's eyes forced shut in a feeble effort to block out perception, and his face dropped into his hands.

_Please don't say it, please don't say it, please don't say it…_

He repeated the mantra, playing it like a broken record in a hopeless attempt to will his father into silence. He didn't want to hear him continue; he _couldn't _hear him continue. To put voice to the suspicion that had been fretting at the borders of his mind would make it real. He could no longer deny its existence, no longer deny the truth.

He felt his stomach fall to the floor as he heard the dreaded sound of his father quietly inhaling in preparation for speech.

"Shepard… she was your great love, son. And great love isn't something you give up on. You fight like hell for it, because once you've had it, you can't get enough of it. And once you've lost it, you'll never find another."

Kaidan felt his dad place a comforting hand on his shoulder, prompting the marine to pull his head free and avert his attention back to his father.

"Shepard needs you, son, and truth be told, you need her, too. I know she's hurt you, but I know she's the only person that can heal you. If you turn your back on her now, again, you'll never forgive yourself for it. If the Alliance puts her down like some diseased animal, it'll be your fault and you'll blame yourself. You're going to spend the rest of your life wondering how things would've been different if you at least _tried."_

The man gave his younger counterpart's shoulder a quick squeeze in an uncommon show of humanism. He had lost all trace of his hardened exterior and exclusively played the role of a caring father. Kaidan was too stunned to respond, uncertain of how to process his father's spontaneous change of character. He'd never seen his father behave this way towards him and it left him dumbstruck.

"Don't make my mistake, Kaidan. Don't live my life. I know you're a grown man and you'll make your own decision. I'll support you in whichever you choose. I'm just hoping you'll make the right call, son. Now, I'm not saying you should ditch Erin and go running for the hills- that's not my intention. I'm just saying I hope you can find it in yourself to help your lost Commander find herself. I trust that you'll do what's right, even if it's the damn hardest thing you've ever had to do. And you fought the Reapers head on, so that's really saying something."

His father retracted his hand from Kaidan and found his drink. He drummed his fingers on the lip of the tumbler.

"I know we haven't been very close during your life and that our relationship is rocky at best. I haven't told you this enough in your life, and I regret that, but I'm damn proud of you, Kaidan. Damn proud. I couldn't have asked for a better son."

Finally feeling satisfied at saying his peace, the retired soldier brought the glass to lips and quickly polished off the remaining nectar. He exhaled an uncomfortable sigh as the liquid burned down his throat.

Kaidan sat motionlessly in his seat, his chest not even moving to accommodate oxygen. His frantic thoughts had come to a screeching halt as his brain quit trying to make sense out of all the revelations he had unexpectedly heard.

He was pulled out of his stupor when he noticed his father pushing himself away from the table, readying to leave.

"Hey, dad," Kaidan called out as he looked up at his standing father, rubbing the back of his neck. "Thanks. I, ah, I'll try and swing by the house later and see mom." He upturned the corner of his mouth as he offered an olive-branch to his estranged father.

"Just don't tell her about this little heart-to-heart we had. I don't want her thinking I'm getting soft in my old age," his father quipped as he turned his back and headed for the exit.

Kaidan leaned on the table and studied his full drink. His desire for excessively binge drinking had fled from him and he decided to leave the whiskey unattended. He just wanted to go back to his temporary home. His exhaustion had finally caught up to him and was pulling him under its enticement.

He brought up his omni-tool and prepared it to transfer the credits to pay his bill. It beeped loudly as it attempted the transaction and was denied. His ever-arching brow rose on his forehead as he read the text on the display.

The tab had already been paid for in full, tip included. Kaidan smiled to himself and let out a soft laugh. His father was a sneaky bastard.

_Must've paid my tab when I was moping. _

As he stood to leave, he no longer felt disturbed by the unspoken accusations in the other patrons' stares. He was too preoccupied trying to figure out what the future held in store for him. His father caused Kaidan to reconsider his initial decision to cut his losses and book passage on the next shuttle to the Citadel. He vacillated between staying to pick up the fragments of his old Commander's life at the expense of his own sanity, or leaving her to fend for herself so that he could protect himself.

His tired mind grew weary of playing the different scenarios out, trying to weigh the pros and cons of either choice. There were too many variables to factor in for his sleep-deprived brain to calculate. It was something he wasn't prepared to deal with at this precise moment; all he wanted was to have a good night's sleep and tackle the dilemma tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow everything would make sense. But not tonight. Definitely not tonight. Nothing about the day had made a single ounce of sense, and Kaidan just wanted the day to be over.

As he hailed a cab to escort him back to his hotel, Kaidan's thoughts drifted to the strange conversation he had in the bar. His father, for the first time in his adult life, told Kaidan that he was proud of him. He'd worked himself ragged trying to live up to his father's expectations, and now that he finally had, he wasn't so sure he deserved it. He wanted to earn his father's pride, and he knew with a touch of dread that the only way he could accomplish that feat was by staying in Vancouver and helping Shepard.

It was the worst catch-22 he had ever been faced with:

Stay, help Shepard, gain his father's pride and admiration, have a clear conscience, but lose his sense of self and revert back to the destroyed man he had been five years ago.  
Or go back to the Citadel, lose his father's esteem, sentence Shepard to an inevitable sedation, have a horribly guilty conscience, but retain his sanity and mental well-being.

Although he hadn't realized it, Kaidan already made up his mind. After years of discord, Kaidan's father finally admitted that he was proud of his son, and he wasn't about to make himself unworthy of that pride.

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**A/N: Sorry for such a long chapter... I'm really horrible at writing short pieces. I tried condensing it or making it into two chapters, but it just disrupted the flow of things with Kaidan's dad. Anyway, if you've made it this far, I hope that means you're enjoying it! :)**

**-razz**


	7. Chapter 6

**A/N: Sorry it took me so long to update. Exams kicked my ass this past week. But now that they're over, I should be able to update more frequently :) Thanks for your patience!**

**-razz**

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Shepard sat on her bed and shifted irritably as her buttocks began to feel the unmistakable cramp of a recently sedentary lifestyle. The poor quality mattress slightly recessed underneath her, caving into the prolonged weight it supported. She bemoaned that the cushion had conformed to fit the contours of her ass perfectly, and the ridge in the middle was riding up her crack in a way that no thong could have ever prepared her for.

Try as she might, she failed to find a comfortable seated position, adding to the bitterness of her already sour mood. She mumbled with agitation as she relieved her weight from cheek to cheek, trying to work out the wedgie her mattress and sheets imposed.

She'd been attempting to read the datapad in her hand for hours now. Her eye scanned over the screen, trying to read the words of the somewhat interesting novel, but she had difficulty maintaining visual focus. Her entire life, Shepard had taken for granted that she had two flawlessly operational eyes, capable of pinpointing her sights on a target dozens of meters away with impeccable clarity and precision. Her training as an N7 infiltrator had blessed her with excellent vision. And now, with one of her eyes out of commission, the other wasn't quite sure what to do with itself. Her entire eyeball ached in its struggles to compensate for the lacking other half. With only one cone of vision, her depth perception was skewed, causing her to accidentally knock over a glass of water that was closer than it appeared, or grasp open air when she missed her intended target by inches. It was unbelievably frustrating, and her anger was only exacerbated now that she wasn't even able to enjoy a leisurely read.

Shepard huffed out a sigh and dropped her head on the propped pillow, throwing the datapad on her blanket as she conceded defeat. She felt the stirrings of a headache manifest from the excessive strain of maintaining focus, forcing her eye closed to block out the suddenly glaring lights. She brought her hand up to her face, gingerly moving the bandage aside to massage her temple in an attempt to thwart the migraine. Her entire head itched from the lack of fresh air, all the sweat and grime held firmly in place by the restricting wrap.

A mild depression had taken hold of the Commander, and she'd resigned to her dismal confinement in the frighteningly barren room. As she recalled her errant behavior over the past few days, she could feel the heat of a blush as it colored her cheeks. Her stomach churned, making her physically ill, as she realized she had reacted so brazenly, the doctors deemed it necessary to fasten her bed to the floor to prevent her biotics from catapulting it across the room. If only her bruised brain could grant her luxury of forgetting her embarrassing conducts during those dreadful few days.

After her emotionally jarring rendezvous with Kaidan, Shepard felt perpetually exhausted, losing her tenacity and eventually accepted the disturbing truth. The gravity of her reality swept over her like a typhoon, yanking her feet crudely out from under her, forcing her to fall face-first into the steaming pile of shit that her life had apparently become. She even lacked the strength to hoist herself back on her feet, chin held high, and brush her skinned knees of the crud that burrowed in her scrapes.

She felt like she no longer served a purpose. Ever since she was 18, she had dedicated her life to the Alliance, relentlessly training and conditioning herself to become an elite infiltrator. However, during her five year hiatus, Shepard was considered to have gone rogue, an enemy to the state, and was forcibly removed from Alliance rankings.

Commander Shepard was no longer a Commander. She wasn't a Spectre anymore. She didn't even have any _friends. _

She had nothing, absolutely nothing.

It left her feeling cold and empty; everything she had come to value and cherish had been stolen from her. Or rather, the way things had been described to her, Shepard deliberately tossed it all out the window during her rebellious tirade. She'd thrown her life away and she didn't have a single fucking clue why.

Eight years had passed, and somewhere in the mix, Shepard became… well, she became a bitch. No one had used the vernacular outright, but she could tell from their hesitant words, the wariness in their eyes, the automatic defensive stance that everyone adopted the moment they entered her room. Whatever she had done, it left people terrified of her.

She tried to petition to her doctors for an explanation, hoping they could shed some light on her dark memories. They reluctantly told her the absolute essentials in segmented stories, some details forgotten with the passage of time. Doctors Phares and Booker alternated turns sitting at the foot of her bed and telling her of the legend she had already become, usually with a glint of awe or admiration in their stare.

The stories they told Shepard seemed too grandiose to be true, and she couldn't help but mimic their awestruck expressions. Even Shepard had a difficult time believing that she had accomplished everything she had set out to do. She wasn't lacking for confidence, but ever since the moment she realized her routine mission to Eden Prime was anything but, Shepard knew that she was in over her head, combating an unknown enemy she hadn't even known existed until then.

After relaying the tales of her great adventures aboard the _Normandy_ while saving the galaxy, their expressions turned somber. A knot fastened itself tightly in her belly, knowing this was the part of her life that made Kaidan hate her so fiercely, the part where Shepard quite being Shepard and became an embodiment of everything she had once fought against.

Following the events on the Citadel, Shepard went decidedly insane. The Alliance knew roughly as much about the mystery of the Citadel and the Crucible as Shepard did. They were in the dark about the weapon Shepard engaged, and with what or whom she could have possibly confronted during the process. Worse still, they had no explanation to offer her that elucidated her spontaneous morph of character. The woman the doctors spoke of was a stranger to Shepard.

Whatever she did, whatever exactly it was that happened on the Citadel, turned her into a raging bitch.

No wonder Kaidan reacted so coldly towards her. Hell, even Shepard hated the sound of the person that had manifested following the war. After the few things Kaidan let slip during his rare emotional outburst, Shepard had a vague understanding about the horrors and pains she inflicted upon him. She wouldn't blame him if he never wanted to see her again, and her heart twisted painfully at the notion.

The past few days whisked by Shepard with disconnect as she struggled to accept the ludicrous reality. Although the doctors offered as much information as was available, Shepard felt bothered that she only had a fraction of the story and that the larger picture still eluded her. She refused to accept that she would retaliate so harshly against Kaidan, the Alliance, or even the Council without some valid reason; something happened and no one knew what it was.

Shepard numbed herself after everything that transpired: her frequent biotic outbursts, her baffling meeting with Kaidan, her intriguing history, the lack of friends she apparently had.

She cringed as she thought about the others aboard the _Normandy. _She'd been awake for about a week now, and not one, not a single one of her friends bothered to come visit her. Had she really been so terrible to them, too?

Hot tears stung at back of her eye as crushing loneliness settled on her shoulders, weighing her down against her mattress. She'd been pent up in this room for days, her only visitors were her doctors as they checked her vitals, inspected her bandages, or filled in the gaps of her lacking memory. Even Hackett hadn't come by since that awful first day of consciousness.

Shepard was drawn out of her thoughts, distracting her from the self-pity she lavished on herself, by the soft hum of the opening door. She immediately straightened her posture in the bolstered bed, adorning a visage of impassiveness to mask any signs of sorrow or grief that afflicted her features.

She turned her unfocused gaze to the door as her two doctors strolled in, and she noticed the peculiar pep in Doctor Booker's step. It was highly unusual of the woman to behave so giddily; she typically entered the room with an air of agitation. Not that Shepard could blame her- she'd hardly been kind to the poor woman during their first interactions.

The woman beamed at her, pushing past Doctor Phares as she practically skipped over to the bedside. It was almost off putting.

"Shepard! I have fantastic news! Today, we can finally take off your eye bandage," she offered Shepard a bright smile as her blue gaze quickly flickered to the head dressing. "The optic implant seems to have stabilized and should be in perfect working order. It's a wonder that it even works at all after the beating your head sustained. It seems as though it has regenerative capabilities and it responded exceptionally well to non-invasive treatment."

Shepard felt a rush of relief flood through her, thankful to hear that she finally would have this damned covering off her head and regain use of her eye. She could wash her hair, scratch the insatiable itch on her scalp, blink her eye, and focus on an object for more than thirty seconds before developing a headache. Imagining the options with her newfound freedom was a welcomed distraction from her earlier thoughts of isolation and emptiness.

Doctor Booker sat on the edge of Shepard's bed and folded her hands in her lap. Her delivery of the optimistic medical report gave her a fresh sense of security around the ex-Commander. Shepard's pattern of behavior indicated that she only ever had biotic flare-ups when she was dissatisfied with something, angered at a person, or feeling otherwise morose. Without ill news, she had no reason to fly off the handle and send a biotic attack.

Shepard could sense that the doctor was genuinely happy for her and very pleased that she was the one who was able to convey the positive prognosis. She wore a wide smile, showcasing her immaculate white teeth, a dimple forming in one of her cheeks. Her blues eyes sparkled as she anticipated Shepard's reaction, hoping that her depression would give rise to her delight. The doctor would no longer amble into Shepard's room, the atmosphere thick with hopelessness, and look at the broken woman who had been cast down from her pedestal of salvation and flung to the bottom of a pit of disgrace. Despite all the troubles Shepard had subjected the doctor to, she felt sympathetic towards her, praying Shepard's emotional condition was as resilient as her physical body.

The amnesiac woman felt a twinge of guilt clutch her chest as Doctor Booker reached out to her with compassion, acting with such kindness and clemency that it took Shepard by surprise. She stared at the other woman, tears brimming at her wide hazel eye, and woefully realized that at this point in time, her two doctors were the only "friends" she had.

_What's my life come to? What happened to me?_

"Also, your arm seems to have healed at an accelerated rate. The skin weaves and bone reinforcements that Cerberus gave you have expedited your healing process by weeks, so we'll also remove your arm's cast as well." She kept her smile steadfast and placed her hands gently on Shepard's left forearm, trying to transfer her cheerfulness. "However, we do recommend that you keep your arm in a brace to avoid overstressing your mending bones. At the very least, wear it when you sleep."

The unsuspected sensation of cool air stung Shepard's arm, sending a small wave of goosebumps prickling across her skin, as Doctor Booker retracted her warm hands. The doctor's gaze flitted to Shepard's broken leg and her chest rose in a silent sigh.

"Unfortunately, your leg suffered a much more substantial injury. It's healing faster than our initial predictions, but it's still far from full recovery. Cerberus' upgrades to your body were an unknown variable we hadn't factored in, so we're not exactly sure how much longer it'll take to heal. Could be a week, could be a month," Booker gave a small shrug as she finished speaking.

Shepard presented her with a weak smile and avoided her stare. She was glad to finally have at least some of her confining bandages removed, but she was still haunted by the details of her defector persona and the way it had left her completely and utterly alone. It was hard to find the energy to be excited and enthusiastic when you celebrated in solitude.

Her voice was barely an audible whisper as she spoke to the doctor, "What happened to me? What did I do to my life?"

She knew that Doctor Booker wouldn't be able to answer her question, but it didn't prevent her from turning her fraught gaze at the woman in a wordless plea.

The doctor nervously fidgeted with her hands and gave an alarmed look to Doctor Phares, imploring him to help. Shepard forgot he was even in the room until the other woman looked at him.

He had been relaxing against the wall as the two women spoke, simply observing their interactions and served as emergency backup if the situation warranted it. Shepard felt another stab of guilt at the precautions they enacted to ensure they were adequately prepared to deal with Shepard's temperamental biotics.

Phares gave Booker a terse nod as he pushed himself to his feet and slowly neared Shepard's bed. His walk was hesitant, the green of his eyes less vibrant; he wasn't sure how to answer her question. It was the very question that had the entire Alliance, galactic Council, and her old crew stumped. Everyone had assumed that the day Shepard returned to civilization, _if _she ever returned, they would all finally have the answers they sought. It was a cruel twist of irony that she had resurfaced only to add to the tally of questions.

Doctor Booker quickly rose and relinquished her seat to her proxy, relieved she was able to avoid answering Shepard's question. The doctor seemed uncertain of what to do with herself and Shepard saw the tendons in her neck flex and tighten as she vacillated with staying or leaving. Watching the doctor's awkward movements and mannerisms made Shepard uneasy.

The almost handsome middle-aged man drew in a steadying breath as he sat delicately on the bed with his body facing Shepard. He remained quiet for a few moments, his eyes darting around the room as he fumbled for the right words to say. Phares opened his mouth to speak, but seemed to doubt himself and quickly snapped his jaw shut and pressed his lips together.

He turned his face to her, firmly holding her gaze, as he finally spoke, "Shepard, what you went through would have broken any other person years before. You became cold and detached out of necessity. You had to compartmentalize and shut off certain aspects of your humanity in order to accomplish what you did. You were faced with choices and decisions that no one should ever have to make. You almost single-handedly saved the galaxy and organic life as we know it. Of course you snapped; it's a miracle you survived the mental stress at all."

The man gave her a slight smile as he placed his hand on top of Shepard's, giving it a comforting squeeze. While she appreciated what he had to say, she lamented the fact that it failed to provide her with any additional clarity. Sure, maybe anyone else would have snapped, but Shepard had a toughened hide from the countless friends she had lost through the course of her life. She wouldn't just suddenly lose her mind and go off the deep end, not without an instigator of some variety.

"So," he huffed as he changed to a lighter subject and straightened his posture, "what do you say we get those bandages and cast off of you? Let's quit talking about the past – let bygones be bygones – and focus on your present. You've been given a second chance. You'd do well to make the best of it instead of wasting it worrying about the past eight years."

The two doctors looked to Shepard for some sort of affirmation that she would allow them to start removing her cast. Although it had lessened tremendously as the days wore on, the pair were still a dash wary around her, paranoid about saying or doing something that would incite her biotics to react. As much grief as she had caused them over the past few days, neither wanted to see her punished and sedated due to a faulty memory that belied her mastery of the dark energy.

Shepard nodded her consent and forced herself to smile. The man was right- Shepard, by some obscure happening of fate, was given another chance at life. She was relieved that the usage of her eye and dominant hand were about to be renewed. Maybe it would grant her the ability to actually read more than a chapter or two of her book at a time.

Doctor Booker appeared appreciative at the opportunity to do something useful instead of uncomfortably standing on the sidelines, feeling as though she were eavesdropping on a private conversation between Phares and Shepard. She disappeared out of the room to gather the necessary medical equipment to free Shepard's arm from its prison while Doctor Phares' adroit fingers made quick work of the bandage tightly bound to her head, pulling at the adhesive straps with careful precision. She felt the mild throb of her headache dissolve as the pressure on her temples was alleviated. Her heart jumped with ecstasy as she regained sensation in her left eye, her eyelashes snagging on the gauze that covered it as her eyelid fluttered. She'd almost led herself to believe that she was forever destined to have a dud eye and was happy to be proven wrong. She silently scolded herself for her histrionic assessment.

Shepard always did have a flair for the dramatic.

* * *

Kaidan stood in the hallway and shifted his weight from foot to foot, immobilized by uncertainty and fear. He'd been lingering in the corridor for a good fifteen minutes, trying to muster the courage to just waltz right into Shepard's room, act like nothing had happened between them, and start her training.

Easier said than done.

He'd been battling with himself for days now, dithering with the idea of going in her room or retreating back to his hotel. There had been plenty of tasks he used to distract himself the past few days: he'd read every report about Shepard he could get his hands on; he'd poured over datapads as he collected and evaluated intel about her whereabouts the past three years; he'd studied the complete run down of her medical health, the in-depth analysis of her multiple Cerberus upgrades and which ones still functioned properly and which ones were impaired.

When he had run out of reports to read, he focused his attention on crafting a pedantic regime for Shepard's biotic training. He worked arduously to create exercises specific to her condition and welcomed the excuse it gave him to avoid confronting her again.

And now, here he stood, stupidly, still carefully sidestepping the woman. He had exhausted all possible excuses to delay this meeting, and now he had Hackett and Shepard's doctors breathing down his neck, waiting impatiently for him to finally follow through and act on his word. Time was rapidly running short and the Alliance was losing their patience. They needed results and they needed them soon; he had to stop procrastinating and just go in his old Commander's room and face the music.

But how would he even respond to the situation? He couldn't let her know that he was horribly conflicted with antagonistic feelings and emotions about her, or lead on that he was just as nervous and anxious as she was. He was too proud to let Shepard know the devastating effect she'd had on him all those years ago, the effect she _still _had on him. He had to wear a mask to disguise his guilt, longing, anger, bitterness. There were too many emotions running rampant in him for Kaidan to pinpoint his precise mood with any amount of accuracy. Shepard was smart, she was perceptive, she'd be able to read his discomfort in a second if he marched in there without any sort of façade.

He couldn't act angry, he couldn't act sad, hurt, or even happy. All of those would send the wrong message to Shepard. Hell, Kaidan wasn't even sure what message he wanted to convey to her. He knew he was overanalyzing the situation, placing too much thought and emphasis on the trivialities that didn't matter in the slightest. It was just another delay tactic as he stalled for more time.

Humor. He'd use humor with Shepard. That way, if he said something out of line, or acted in a weird way, he could just laugh it off and pretend that it was all just part of the "mood". Shepard had always responded well to humor -she'd be less prone to rip his head off with her biotics or physically assault him with a flurry of fists if he could make her laugh.

Back on the first _Normandy _when they were first acquainted and still getting a feel for their working relationship, they instantly fell into a groove of light-hearted banter. It was just the nature of their rapport; they bother preferred utilizing a humorous approach when situations became… stressful. Shepard worked exceedingly well under pressure, and that, in part, was due to the comedic relief that Kaidan and Wrex provided her with during their missions. The trio rarely took themselves seriously, and it was probably their childish antics and humor that kept them sane during the emotionally draining and mentally numbing assignments.

Kaidan's chest expanded as he drew in a deep breath and held it for a moment, enjoying the dizzying sensation in his head from the sudden intake of oxygen. His cheeks puffed out as he released his breath, and he clenched and unclenched his fists, cracking his knuckles at the movement.

His feet moved of their own volition and led him, once again, directly in front of Shepard's door. There was no escaping it: he was inexplicably drawn to her and was stuck waist deep in the muck of the unusual predicament. He couldn't turn back now even if he wanted to.

He initiated the lock, watching the florescent green as it rotated. He readjusted the weight of the bag slung on his shoulder, bringing it to the front of his body so he could scavenge for the item he was looking for.

The Major's heart was thudding loudly with anticipation, and he could feel his pulse beat against the skin of his neck.

_This is it. Pull yourself together, Major. Everything will be just fine._

He tried to calm his nerves as the door slid open, the _woosh_ of cold air blasted his face in greeting. It was now or never. It was his very last opportunity to turn back. If he walked into her room, it would finalize his decision, cementing him into the task of helping Shepard. He'd finally approached the defining moment, the point of no return. Everything in his life was hinged on this decision, his future forever altered by the outcome of his choice.

No. He was making the right decision. He needed to be here; he wanted to be here. His father had been right- Kaidan owed it to Shepard, owed it to himself, to at least try. And if he was going to subject himself to helping her, he might as well employ some humor and try to enjoy himself. After all, it was going to be a hell of a bumpy ride.

He stepped into her room.

* * *

Shepard was jerked out of her sleep, sputtering as she felt droplets of water fall on her face. Her eyes were still closed as struggled to make sense out of her convoluted thoughts. As far as she knew, she was stuck in a hospital, so why was it raining?

She violently rubbed her eyes dry with her hands, cursing loudly as she did so. Her hazel eyes flew open and she was momentarily blind as the fogginess of sleep slid back into its recesses. As it rescinded, her vision slowly started returning until she could barely distinguish the environment around her. She looked wildly around the room, not comprehending where that water could have possibly come from. The objects around her blurred together and made it difficult to recognize the outlines of shapes in her field of vision.

She felt another cold splash to her face, forcing her to once again shut her eyes as she twisted her head away from the spray's trajectory. The water clung to her eyelashes, the rivulets gluing her eyelids together for a brief moment. Using her freshly recuperated hand, she hastily wiped the wetness from her face as her confused rage began building up in her gut and seeped throughout her body.

Shepard glowered in the direction she suspected the unwelcomed spray of water had originated. Piercing daggers flung from her eyes, wishing death upon the sadistic bastard who rudely roused her from her slumber. She could make out the vague silhouette of a broad man standing just a few feet away from her. As the blurriness receded from her sight, a wave of familiarity washed over her while she eyed the perpetrator from head to toe. There was an acquainted feel to the man's stance: the confident swagger as he stepped closer to her; the determined, almost defiant, set of his jaw; the broad shoulders held up with pride.

_Kaidan. _

"Rise and shine, ma'am, shore leave is over," she hated the humor she detected in his tone.

She threw the sheets off of her body as she sharply sat up in bed, swinging her legs over the side. She bit back a grimace as she jostled her broken leg. Shepard looked at Kaidan with unconcealed loathing, appalled at his offensive use of "shore leave". This past week had been anything but a fucking vacation.

"What the _hell _is wrong with you? A spray bottle? Really? You woke me up by using a fucking _spray bottle? _What are you, 12?" Shepard demanded of him in a loud voice. Any confounding feelings of happiness and wonder at his unexpected presence were inconsequential to her anger at the rude awakening.

Her vision was clear at this point, and she saw the delight light up his whiskey eyes, the smile that teased at those sinfully delicious lips that spoke with the most beautiful voice she'd ever heard. She reluctantly drew her eyes away from his delectable mouth, barring her thoughts from drifting to memories of sheets, sweat, and sex.

Kaidan gave a shrug of his shoulders as his fingers played on the trigger of the spray bottle. He brought it up to his eyes to closely examine it, seemingly proud of his ingenious wake-up call.

"I saw it in a vid Joker showed me once and I always wanted to try it. I have to say, ma'am, it's a lot more entertaining than I thought it'd be. I just might start making this part of the daily routine," he gave her a coy smile as he pointed the nozzle back at her, his brow arching with mischief.

She didn't have enough time to react and her mouth was hanging open with unspoken threats when he released another mist of water, coating Shepard's face and invading her gaping mouth.

She sputtered with shock and fiercely shook her head. Did he _really _just do that?

"Oh, you fucking asshole!" she angrily huffed at him, using her sheets to wipe off her face, hands trembling with rage and disbelief. "If you spray me one more time, I swear to fucking God, I'll shove that thing so far up your ass."

Kaidan leered at her, and Shepard despised his sudden boldness, prodding her agitation and seeing what he could get away with. What happened to the painfully shy Lieutenant?

"You know, you always did have a foul mouth. And you always woke up in a grumpy mood. I guess some things never change," he spoke as he leaned his shoulder against the wall, resting casually as he eyed her with amusement.

"Oh, I don't know, maybe that has something to do with the fact that you used a fucking water bottle to wake me up. But that's just speculation," Shepard shot at him sarcastically.

She felt her anger subsiding as her initial irritation wore off, replaced by the puzzle of his presence. She was certain she'd never see him again and she was confused by his radical change of behavior, reverting back to their usual playful banter. She decided just to play along, worried that addressing his obscure mannerisms would cause him to leave again- she wasn't willing to take that risk.

"Excuse me for saying so, ma'am, but you always woke up like a bear. On the old _Normandy, _we'd all draw straws to see who had to go wake you up. It was terrifying! For one thing, you sleep like the dead, so it was nearly impossible to wake you up without shaking you. And whenever you were shaken awake, it'd freak you out and you'd attack anyone who was near you. A spray bottle seemed like a safer option," he looked at her with feigned innocence, an apologetic lopsided grin gracing his features.

It was impossible for her to stay angry at him, with those damn puppy dog eyes of his and that heart melting one-sided smile. He had an unfair advantage over her and he was milking it for all it was worth. The bastard.

"You're still a dick," she mumbled at him as she unsteadily rose to her feet.

A wretched idea formulated in Shepard's mind, plotting her revenge against the smug man. He was using his charm to disarm and manipulate her, knowing full well that she was helpless against his handsome features.

_Two can play that game._

She arched her back in an exaggerated stretch and reached her arms high above her head, waiting to hear the telltale pop as her shoulders and vertebrae snapped into place. She felt her shirt drift upwards as she stuck her chest out and held the pose for posterity's sake.

Kaidan's eyes flickered down to her torso, her midriff exposed as her lean body bent backwards. Her tank top snaked up her flat stomach, baring her navel. His eyes followed the line of her body, and he immediately regretted spraying her with water; the fabric of her shirt was slightly damp and clung to her breasts, accentuating her hardened nipples as they poked at the confining material. She heard him swallow hard, grinning as she visualized the way his adam's apple bobbed with nervousness as he fought to restrain himself from touching her.

Shepard smiled, pleased with her handiwork, and relaxed her pose, letting her hands drop to her sides as she took a deep breath. It felt absolutely fantastic to be able to stretch her right arm out after its movements had been restricted in the cast. She graciously blinked both of her eyes, grateful that her headaches had diminished. Her gaze fell on Kaidan, the way muscular frame leaned on the wall, the way his hand rubbed the back of his neck whenever he felt suddenly uncomfortable, the way his brow seemed to be permanently cocked. She was fairly certain she detected a slight rouge shade his cheeks as avoided eye contact.

Today was going to be a very good day.

"What, no snarky comeback?" Shepard teased him as she straightened out the hem of her shirt.

Kaidan cleared his throat before speaking. "That, ah, that was a dirty trick, ma'am."

Shepard scoffed at him as he addressed her.

"Kaidan, please stop calling me ma'am. It just keeps reminding me of how old I really am. Last week, I was 29; today, I'm 37. Holy shit!" Shepard looked at him with wide eyes, seeing him in a new light. "If I'm 37… that means _you're 40. _HA!"

Kaidan exhaled a small laugh at her exclamation. He scratched the stubble on his chin as he smiled up at her, her amusement obvious on her beautiful face. "Old habits die hard, ma'am. And yeah, I guess that does make me 40. To be honest with you, I'd never really thought about it. I must look like hell compared to how you remember me."

Shepard turned her body to face Kaidan, carefully considering the words he had said. She hadn't really taken full notice of his physical appearance during their two brief encounters, and she realized for the first time how much the Major really had aged. The years had been kind to him and he aged gracefully, almost more desirable and attractive in his maturity.

She took note of the smatterings of gray that peppered his once raven hair. Although the coloring changed during the last eight years, Shepard was amused to find that he still sported the same hair style. She'd often marvel at his hair, envying how he managed to make it retain its shape even after being in the sweaty and constricting helmet for hours on end. Whenever he took his helmet off, there he was, in all his wonderful glory, as his hair maintained its elaborate style immaculately- not even one hair was out of place. Meanwhile, Shepard suffered from helmet-head and her hair would be in a tangled fray, knots and kinks that refused to disentangle themselves, despite her combing and brushing.

What a lucky son of a bitch.

His skin was a lighter shade than she remembered. His features had always looked Mediterranean to her- his darkened hair, skin, and eyes added to his exotic allure. He was still devilishly handsome, the subdued hue of his complexion notwithstanding.

The dimple on his chin was more pronounced, and his eyes were framed by new wrinkles, probably caused by a mixture of laughter and stress.

"Yeah, you do look different, actually," she tilted her head to the side as she finished her observations of him, "Not in a bad way, though. I guess some things do look better with age."

Kaidan glanced at her sheepishly before breaking the eye contact and pushing himself off of the wall. "You'll have to try harder than that if you're hoping to make me swoon, ma'am." He strolled over to the door, picking up a duffel bag he had left nearby.

Shepard rose a questioning brow at him as he hefted the bag over his shoulder, the weight of it caused the bag to sag heavily on the bottom, straining the seams.

"What's in the bag?" she jerked her chin in its direction.

Kaidan looked over his shoulder, meeting her gaze with that smolder of his. She felt her knees go weak, turning into jell-o for the briefest of moments, at his small exchange with her. If anyone was going to swoon, Shepard was certain it would be her.

"Vacation's over, sunshine, and we've got a shit load of work to do. While you were busy with sleeping and moping, I was making your training itinerary. You up for the challenge, ma'am?" he offered her a smile, knowing she couldn't turn down a dare.

She scoffed at Kaidan, pushing past him as she left her room, obstinate not to let the brushing of their bodies or the distinctive scent of him cause her proud stride to falter.

"Please, Kaidan, we both know I'll make short work of whatever you have planned; it'll hardly be a challenge."

As they walked towards the training room, Shepard ruthlessly suppressed the grin that tried to break across her face, personifying her suddenly elated mood. Whatever his reasons were, her Lieutenant... _er, Major... _was back. Maybe this whole learning to control her biotics thing wasn't going to be such a pain in her ass after all. _  
_


	8. Chapter 7

Kaidan walked into the vast, empty room and looked around its perimeter, surveying the environment. Its only occupants were the sloppy piles of dust scattered on the floor with trails cutting through the mounds, giving it the appearance of a Chinese Zen Garden. It had been a sparsely utilized storage room with mountains of paper and boxes stacked high on shelves, begging to touch the ceiling. Few visitors ever ventured into the room, occasionally stepping foot in its territory to futilely search for some vital piece of paper that had been lost in the shuffle.

It was the only space large enough and easily reconfigured to accommodate Shepard's special needs and training in the entire Vancouver center. It was hardly a sight to behold.

Shepard followed closely behind him, grunting with effort as she rigidly dragged her casted leg through the narrow doorframe. Her breathing was shallow with struggled exertion. He bit back the threat of a smile at her endeavor; it was cute to see her so frustrated.

"Looks like you've gotten a little soft around the edges, ma'am."

He smiled to himself at the phrasing, remembering how irritated Shepard had been when Anderson, albeit jokingly, referred to her as being "a little soft around the edges". Kidding or not, Anderson should have known better than to insinuate that any woman, least of all Shepard, had gained weight.

"Shut the hell up, Kaidan. I've been in a coma for like a month and I can't do shit with this damned leg. You'd be soft, too," she snapped at him, oblivious to the homage he made to the late Admiral.

He watched her out of the corner of his eye, and she gazed around the room, seemingly unimpressed by its layout.

"Seriously? This is it? Where's all the stuff I'm going to be throwing around, placing in pull fields, or using stasis on? Four walls and an empty room hardly seems like proper training equipment," Shepard huffed her disappointment as she tucked a segment of displaced hair behind her ear.

Her hair was longer than Kaidan remembered it being- she usually kept her dark mahogany tresses trimmed to prevent it from obscuring her vision while on the battlefield. Her locks now hung below her shoulders, cascading down her neck and upper back in a mesmerizing shimmer. He'd never noticed how the undertone of red glistened in the right lighting.

The Major caught himself staring and blushed slightly at his gaffe. He shouldn't be staring at her like that- he had an assignment to complete and he'd vowed to himself to not let his personal feelings of resentment and longing interfere with his coaching.

"That's the more advanced training that we'll get to later, ma'am. You're a long way from being prepared to handle that kind of precision and manipulation. Honing your biotic talent isn't as easy as you might think," Kaidan looked at her pointedly, knowing full well she didn't believe him.

Right on cue, Shepard scoffed at his declaration.

"Yeah, right. It's a bunch of breathing work, multitasking, and concentration. C'mon, Kaidan, I'm a sniper- I can do all of that in my sleep. That's hardly training."

She bustled past him, and he nearly tripped over his own feet as he attempted to avoid any physical contact. Even that ephemeral point of contact would reap catastrophic consequences, stripping him of his resolve and lead him to wrap his arms tightly around her, refusing to let go. It was a constant struggle to wrestle his desire to touch her, feel her near him as confirmation of her existence.

Hell, he'd been so worried about the implications of touching her that he used a fucking spray bottle to wake her from her sleep. He didn't trust himself to touch her, even if it was only a small shake to bring her back to consciousness. Any touch at any moment could prove to be his undoing, and Kaidan simply couldn't chance that happening. He'd worked too damned hard these past few years learning how to live his life without Shepard playing an integral part in it. He adamantly refused to suffer through the tumultuous upheaval of his life if he let her saunter back in, disrupting the carefully construed semblance of normalcy he worked to create for himself.

His walls were wavering enough as it was, his foundation unsteady as it'd ever been, and he'd be damned if he let Shepard tear them down and dance on the rubble. Not to mention the fact that he had a woman waiting for him back on the Citadel; a woman who loved him with her whole being and trusted him implicitly with her heart. Kaidan found himself doubting if he was deserving of her trust and felt unbelievably guilty at Erin's lack of presence in his recent thoughts. His free time was consumed by thoughts of Shepard, reliving memories long dead: the happy times, the way they coalesced into one being while partaking in the most intimate, intense love-making he'd ever experienced, the wrenching heart ache when he'd lost her, the feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing when Shepard lashed out at him with devastating accusations and proclamations of her abhorrence of him.

No, he couldn't let her touch him. Not even to push past him. It was too risky. He was having a difficult enough time trying to just _talk _to her without falling head over feet.

And then there was the part of him that still hated her, still blamed her for the shattered mess his life had become. He wanted to voice his anger, let her know what exactly she did to him, make her feel how she made him feel. It was the most paradoxical emotion he'd ever held for a person.

Kaidan's attention was drawn back to Shepard as she stood in the middle of the room and turned to face him, her hip jutting to the side as she folded her arms across her chest. Her chin was set in determination and her eyes held a hint of impatience and condescension. She was about to be in for one hell of a nasty surprise.

Her swagger distracted him from his musings and he contemplated Shepard's demeanor. The Major leered at her, amused by her obstinacy. He cocked a brow as he slunk back to the wall, giving her a wide berth to showcase her apparent biotic prowess.

"Well then, the floor is all yours, ma'am. Would you care to demonstrate your superior biotic knowledge and put a stasis on me?" he opened his arms, holding them out to his sides, offering his unprotected body as practice.

"That's ridiculous; I'm not going to test my biotics on you," she rolled her eyes at him, bringing her hand up to comb her fingers through her long curls. She exhaled an exaggerated sigh to publicize her obvious annoyance.

"Ma'am, you're not giving me enough credit. I'm not fragile, you know. I can handle whatever you throw at me." He taunted her, trying to provoke her into action.

She eyed him warily as she considered his offer.

"Alright, Major, have it your way," she relented.

He watched as she carefully shifted her weight, adopting an aggressive stance that he knew all too well- it was the position she implemented when she was narrowing her focus, setting her sights on a target, preparing her body for a stealth attack.

And it was all wrong for biotic work.

Shepard's brow furrowed with concentration, her eyes staring right through him as she centered her mind and tried to will her biotics into compliance, inviting the fiery dance to play at her skin and reach out toward the defenseless man. He scrutinized her face, noticing how her smug arrogance was quickly succumbing to confusion and exasperation. Kaidan couldn't help the satisfied smile that played at his lips at her misfortune.

"Something wrong, ma'am?"

She gave him a puzzled look, straightening her posture as she awkwardly scratched her arm.

"Uh… yeah. My, uh, my implant- it's not working. I think something must've happened to it. Maybe the Alliance already deactivated it when I was sleeping so I wouldn't hurt the doctors," she glanced at him sheepishly then quickly averted her gaze out of embarrassment. She thumbed the back of her neck, as if trying to find a magical button to engage her cybernetics.

"Sorry to burst your bubble, ma'am, but that's not possible. Implants aren't equipped with an 'on/off' switch. And if it were broken, you'd be having one hell of a migraine right now."

Kaidan folded his left arm across his torso and settled his right elbow on top of it, resting his chin in his right hand. He looked at her expectantly and fanned out his fingers to encourage her to continue.

Her hazel eyes flickered to his face before she stared at the wall behind him, and Kaidan saw the cute crinkle that formed between her eyebrows as she scrunched her nose.

"Okay, fine, you win," her voice was strained as she conceded defeat.

Kaidan smirked at her. If his memory served him well, he was positive he hadn't ever heard her willingly admit failure. He leaned casually against the wall, his legs crossed at the ankle.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, I'm not sure I heard you. Could you repeat that?" Kaidan held a mocking hand up to his ear.

He savored the moment, knowing it was a rare occurrence for the stubborn woman to relent and give up on a challenge. The scowl was heavily etched on her pretty face as she glowered at him, hating him for taunting and humiliating her, and it only caused the Major to smile with triumph.

"I said you win. You were right- I need your help. And stop grinning like a fucking idiot," she snapped at him as she angrily waved her hand in an attempt to wipe the smirk off of his face.

"I told you it wasn't as easy as it looked," he didn't bother to hide the delight in his voice.

Her irritability was growing to compensate for her injured pride. "Would you kindly shut up and just show me how to activate the damned thing?"

"All right, all right; I'm sorry. I shouldn't antagonize you like that. It's just not every day that the famed Commander Shepard admits she needs help." Kaidan held his hands up in surrender and looked at her with apologetic eyes.

"_Ex-_Commander, Kaidan. I heard about my discharge from the Alliance," her voice was solemn, as if disbelieving the words even as she spoke them. The Major felt his heart swell in his chest at the sound of hurt and betrayal in her tone. He was compelled to try and take her pain away, to offer her some sort of comfort and security. His arms felt empty as he denied them their urge to wrap around her small frame.

"That was just a formality. You'll always be a Commander to me, ma'am," he felt sheepish at his meager attempt to offer consolation.

Shepard glanced at him briefly, studying his face for any hidden meaning his words may have conveyed. Kaidan's face was shielded from emotion as he tried to block his internal confliction from displaying itself plainly on his features. He didn't want her to become savvy to the fact that his feelings were still turbulent from her sudden emergence in his life, or that he struggled with just being around her, unsure if he should be angry or ecstatic.

She sighed as she finally gave up on her conquest, knowing that Kaidan's face wouldn't give way to any deeper sentiment he might have meant. He watched her as she brought her hand up to idly touch the scar that once graced her eyebrow. Her brow momentarily furrowed with confusion as she rediscovered it had vanished. She dropped her hand and gazed at it, lost in her thoughts, before shrugging away the disappointment.

"Okay, so what am I doing wrong? I _know _my biotics work, so why aren't they activating?"

Kaidan broke himself free of the wall and tried to prepare himself for closing the proximity that divided them. He dreaded the inevitable rush of excitement he'd experience when Shepard's dark energy mingled with his own, and he knew it would take every last shred of his resolve to prevent himself from surrendering to the allure. He vehemently ignored the sadistic part of him that thirsted for the cohesion of their biotic power.

"Well, biotics can't be engaged by just standing there and thinking 'hey, let's go blow shit up'. You have to get a handle on your nervous system; you have to use physical mnemonics to issue certain commands, and you have to develop incredible discipline to regulate its flow. And, ah, pardon my saying this, ma'am, but you've never been known for your… self-control. You, ah, you're rather brash. Ma'am," he spoke tentatively, feeling nervous as he anticipated her reaction. He hadn't meant to insult her, but he knew that she would dismiss the diligence biotic training required if he down played her irascible nature. His hand snaked through his coarse hair as his glance flickered to the floor.

Shepard snorted in response and gave him a pointed look. "Thanks for the vote of confidence. Really. It's working wonders for my pride to know you think so highly of me."

Kaidan spoke quickly to disperse any implication she could derive that he doubted her. He'd made that mistake years before and Shepard made it a point to ensure that the Major never lived that error down. She'd constantly nagged him about his reservations of her after her short soiree with Cerberus, holding it over his head as leverage and manipulating his feelings of guilt to bend him to her will, malleable in his desire to atone for his blunder.

"Now, don't misunderstand me. I know you're perfectly capable of controlling your biotics; you've done it before, and you can do it again. You just have to… relearn how, and that's gonna take some time," he anxiously rubbed his neck, massaging the base of his skull to ease the tension he felt culminating.

She shrugged at him, his unspoken apology lost on her. "Yeah, yeah, whatever… Just show me how to work them."

Shepard drew her shoulders back, shaking her arms and hands as she rolled her neck, loosening the muscles in preparation for the cybernetic workout. She shifted her weight on her legs, alleviating the pressure placed on her still mending thigh.

"Yes, ma'am," Kaidan nodded and eyed her posture, trying to gauge where her errors were being made and making mental notes of the small details to correct as the training progressed.

"First of all, you need to get a feel for initiating your implant – the telltale 'click' or 'hum' – so you can trigger it without an emotional stimulus. Your L3 is tied to your nervous system and is susceptible to your emotional state, especially volatile emotions that provoke the 'fight or flight' response, like anger or fear."

The Major blathered on for what felt like ages, explaining the mechanics of it all in exhaustive detail. He was so engrossed with his unnecessary explanations that he neglected to see the humored expression painted on Shepard's face as she listened to him. The way he spoke with such passion and felt the need to careful detail the L3 implant was incredibly endearing, and she didn't have the heart to interrupt his monologue to inform him that she honestly didn't care. It was wonderful just to hear his voice again, without the undercurrents of wrath or pain, and she felt his trembling tone as it resonated within her, striking a chord that elicited her desire. An adoring smile curved across her lips, cherishing the fervor she rarely saw in him, even when they had served together.

Kaidan's whiskey eyes drifted to Shepard, noticing her tender countenance was laced with amusement. He immediately felt a blush rise to his cheeks, realizing that he had just drawled on about a topic that likely disinterested his old Commander.

"I, ah, I apologize, ma'am. I didn't mean to bore you with that," his voice trailed off as he cleared his throat, running an anxious hand through his hair while fighting to wash away the color on his cheeks.

"You're cute when you get excited about biotics," Shepard grinned brightly as she spoke to him, "So, what you're saying is that I need to get really pissed off to activate my implant?"

"Ah, something like that, yeah. You need to use a strong emotion to kick it into gear- once you've gotten a feel for it and familiarized yourself with the process, you should be able to use it on demand."

"Sounds… dangerous," she set her mouth in a thin line as she inhaled deeply through her nose. "Alright, so piss me off. Make me angry."

He shifted uncomfortably at the suggestion, releasing a small chuckle to calm his nerves. "It doesn't have to be anger. You could use fear; I'm sure I can find a spider around here somewhere…"

Shepard glared at him sternly, her expression immediately morphing from slight amusement to darkened discontent. "Kaidan, don't you dare, I swear to God. You _know _how much I fucking hate spiders after fighting all those rachni on Noveria."

"Which is why they would make the perfect stimulus," his eyes twinkled with laughter.

"No, absolutely not," she sliced her hands through the air to dispel the proposal. "I'd much rather be angry than deal with a spider, thank you very much."

"To be honest, ma'am, I'm not sure I have the balls to make you mad. I rather enjoy living," he teased her, enjoying Shepard's obvious frustration.

Kaidan was surprised at the ease with which they had fallen back into their old routine. Their interactions came naturally to them, almost picking up directly where they left off prior to Shepard's death aboard the first _Normandy. _It was jarring for him, catching him off guard with the casual banter they had been exchanging that day.

"Well then, we've reached an impasse. You won't make me angry; I refuse to let you use a spider- we're running out of options here," her exasperation wore down her tone.

"No we're not."

"So what do you suggest we do? I don't have all fucking day to just sit around here, waiting to feel angry or scared so I can finally start to use biotics that I don't even want," she pouted as she folded her arms under her breasts.

"You just need to be patient, ma'am. Most human biotics spend years training their abilities. It's not something that just happens overnight."

Shepard clicked her tongue as her foot petulantly drummed on the floor, creating a harried tempo that beat synchronously with Kaidan's heart, wracked with worry at her rising irritation.

"I _hate _being patient. Life's too short to just wait for shit to happen."

She was beginning to sound edgy, causing him to briefly fret about her impending melt down. He had hoped she wouldn't need to draw on her wrath to engage her implant and he feared the imminent altercation that would surely follow suit. Shepard's temper had a notoriously short fuse, and the Major was ill-equipped to allay her criticisms and assaults, unable to continue defending himself against the scorned woman.

"Patience is a virtue, ma'am," he spoke softly, hoping to quell her exasperation. He wanted to help her train her biotics, but not this way, not by falling victim to her wrath and ire.

She shot him a pointed look, her eyes shadowed with an indiscernible emotion that sent a chill down Kaidan's spine. He instantly recognized the mien, knowing that whatever words she was getting ready to spew were going to strike deep at his heart.

"Yeah, well, so is temperance, but that didn't stop you from man-handling me in my hospital room. You gave my arm a nasty bruise with that biotically charged vice grip of yours," she hesitated a moment with thoughtful consideration before continuing, "Come to think of it, I believe chastity falls in that group, too. Between me and that floozy from the Citadel you're boning-"

"Don't go there, Shepard."

He cut her off before she could finish her invective and felt the familiar hum as his biotics initiated with anger. The Major couldn't believe she would stoop so low as to taunt him with his relationship with Erin, attempting to make him feel guilty for picking up his shattered life and moving on after the devastation Shepard had wrought.

A smug grin spread across her face, her eyebrow arching as she saw his face cloud over with anger, his toffee eyes darkening with his demeanor. "Ah, you finally dropped the title. Struck a nerve, did I?"

Kaidan cut the air in front of him with his arm and shook his head forcibly, appalled at both himself and the woman before him. He hated that Shepard still knew exactly how to crawl under his skin, that she knew what made him tick and pushed him dangerously close to the edge, dangling by the heels of his feet as he fought to maintain balance.

"That's completely different and you know it. I feel awful about hurting your arm, but judging from the look of your bandages, a few bruises were the least of your worries. I lost control and I apologize for that."

Shepard narrowed her eyes and studied his face, uncertain of whether he was being sincere or mocking her. She appeared satisfied at his genuineness. "Apology accepted. So does that mean you agree your doctor is a floozy?"

He rolled his eyes and let out a frustrated sigh. "Of course it doesn't. Look, _ma'am_," he made it a point to address her formally once more, "I don't have to train you. I'm doing you and the Alliance a favor. We were getting along fine, so why would you even bring her up? She doesn't have anything to do with this."

Shepard turned her back to him, but not before Kaidan saw hurt flicker across her beautiful features.

"Well as far as I'm concerned, it felt like just last week we were bunking together and everything was great. And then come to find out, we haven't spoken in years, I'm some deplorable bitch, and you have a girlfriend. Excuse me for not embracing this whole shit situation with open arms."

His anger began to wane and he realized he had been acting selfishly. He had only seen his hurt and betrayal, only acknowledging the struggles, pain, and indecision that had afflicted him for the past few days. He hadn't stopped to consider how difficult this must be for Shepard, nor did he try to empathize with her unique situation. He wasn't the only person hurting, and he felt his heart soften as guilt and shame clutched his chest.

Shepard was hurting because of him.

Kaidan's voice was soft, "I know this must be jarring for you, but-"

She whirled around and threw her arms down as he spoke, interrupting his words with her unexpected hostility.

"Stop acting like you understand. You don't, Kaidan, you _can't. _ Do you even know what it's like to wake up one day and realize the entire galaxy hates you? That you can't even enter a room without someone cringing in fear, worried that at any given moment, you might snap and kill everyone because of an unstable implant? Or to realize that the only person I ever really gave a shit about, the only person I ever trusted with my love, can't even stand the idea of _touching _me? You flinch any time I'm within a five foot radius to you." Her voice broke, the emotion behind her words coiled itself tightly around her tongue, refusing to be ignored.

She flung her hand at him, metaphorically casting him to the side as her shoulders slumped with defeat. She dropped her head, her eyes staring at her feet, and Kaidan knew she was desperately trying to fight back tears and beat down the pain that festered inside of her.

He didn't know how to respond, her erratic irascibility was an unsteady variable that was apt to strike at any moment. "What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know! Just… what happened to me, Kaidan?" She crossed her hands at the wrists and pressed them against her forehead as her eyes forced shut. "What happened to us? What went wrong?"

Apprehension twisted his gut. He hadn't been prepared for a Q and A regarding their relationship, if it could even be called that. He sighed heavily as he spoke, "Can we please not have this conversation?"

"Why not?" She whined in spite of herself.

"Because I don't want to!" Anger crept up his throat, permeating into his words. He paused for a moment as he settled his nerves and leveled out his voice. "It's… things got… complicated."

His former Commander scoffed as she dropped her arms to her sides. "Well, no shit. Thanks for clearing that up- I never would have been able to gather that on my own. Thank God I have you to point out the obvious."

Kaidan groaned. "Would you stop that? Insulting me isn't going to help anything."

"It makes me feel better," she spoke indignantly. Her chin was pointing at him, causing her to literally look down her nose at Kaidan. Her posture wavered slightly as her injured leg began to tire from the incessant effort of standing.

"You're being a bitch," he shot at her.

"You're being an asshole," Shepard retorted, unrelenting in her sudden condescension.

Kaidan felt his body tense as the fine hairs on the back of his neck bristled, responding to the electrical current of his implant.

"The way I see it, you've got two options. One: you piss off the only person who's stupid enough to try and help you, run him off, and doom yourself to a lifetime of solidarity and unconsciousness. Or two: you quit acting like a child, swallow your pride, and focus on the training. I don't care which choice you make; just make your decision and let's move on. I'm tired of fighting, Shepard; it's exhausting."

"I am _not _acting like a child!" She all but stomped her foot on the ground, validating Kaidan's claim of her immaturity. "You're the one avoiding everything. Just because you ignore a problem doesn't mean it doesn't exist, Kaidan."

He let out a humorless laugh, finding the irony of her statement overwhelming. "Funny accusation coming from the woman who refused to believe eight years have passed, despite what everyone was telling her."

The green in her speckled eyes flashed, glaring at him from under her thick lashes.

"You'd respond exactly the same way if you woke up and found out that everything you knew and loved was suddenly gone, that everyone abandoned you, that nothing was the fucking same," she seethed as spoke, enunciating every syllable with venom that dripped from her accusatory words.

Kaidan's head began to ache with exhaustion at the notion of another monotonous fight, suffering through another bout of her wild allegations, challenging his morality and character. He was fed up with her bullshit, rejecting to be her punching bag as she vented her antagonism on him. He wasn't the self-conscious, unsure man he had been aboard the first _Normandy,_and he wasn't going to roll over and accept her berating.

"No one abandoned you, Shepard, _you_ abandoned _us_. You abandoned yourself. They never would have left if you didn't forcibly push them all out."

"Oh, fuck you, Kaidan," she harshly spat out, her face contorting with disgust at his words.

"No thank you, ma'am, I have Erin for that," the sentence poured out of his mouth before he had even registered the thought.

Kaidan immediately snapped his jaw shut, his eyes widening as dread choked his entire frame, disbelieving he actually had the gall to say something so audacious. He knew he was going to regret his words- Shepard's barely contained wrath was already bubbling at the surface and this would only serve to cause her to boil over.

_Why did I just say that? The fuck is wrong with you, Alenko?_

He barely had time to compose himself when a whirlwind of auburn hair lunged at him, a bluish purple haze rising from the blurred figure. His stomach was wracked with pain that knocked the wind out of him, forcibly causing his lungs to briefly seize at the unexpected strike.

_Yeah, I knew I was going to regret saying that._

His body was hurled backwards, his back hitting the wall before his neck whiplashed and smacked against the concrete with a sickening crack. A flash of white light blinded his vision and stars settled across the room as his implant rattled against his cranium. A searing pain flooded his head, and Kaidan knew that he likely had a mild concussion.

Shepard was a flurry of fists and dark energy, pummeling against him as he leaned dumbfounded against the wall, pinned by her assault. Instinct took over and his own biotics roared to life, covering him in a protective cocoon of energy as it shielded him from the assailant. A vortex of blue fire danced in front of him as it curled around Shepard and shoved her back several steps before rendering her immobile. She was incapacitated by his stasis field, but her eyes shifted with unconcealed rage at the paralysis.

Her uncultivated biotics were useless against the attack, a maelstrom of energy that pirouetted within the room with no hope of being honed into a concentrated defensive maneuver.

"_Take the fucking stasis field down, Major," _her words were laden with loathing.

"And let you attack me again? I'd rather not," Kaidan spoke derisively as he stepped closer to her, eliminating the distance between them.

Shepard's biotics pulsed and played along the edges of the containment bound tightly against her, teasing his field with its familiar allure, the tantalizing buzz as their energies mingled. The feel of her energy slicing alongside his own sent a shiver through his body, awakening a hunger that lay dormant in his belly. In his exasperated state, he had let down his guard, leaving him defenseless against the magnetic attraction.

Nothing could have prepared him for the unrefined need that tore through him. Even their little charade in the hospital room didn't compare to the ache that he now felt. Tearing himself away from Shepard had been nearly impossible, but this… this was magnified, ten times more powerful than before.

He knew better than to underestimate the overpowering sensation of their biotic compatibility, and he had spent hours readying himself for the inevitable merging, simultaneously yearning for the erotic joining and doubting his resolve to bite back the carnal impulse.

He swallowed hard at the lump that had formed in his throat, his tongue felt like sandpaper and scraped mercilessly against the roof of his mouth. His body stilled, fearing that even the slightest of movements would provoke another enticing dance.

His eyes drifted to meet hers and he was greeted with mirrored desire. Her mind may have forgotten their past encounters, but her body immediately responded to the powerful bond they had once shared. Physical memory bared no mercy as he saw the craving and confusion burn her vision.

Kaidan felt his trousers grow suddenly too tight, his unanticipated erection strained painfully against the confining fabric. It ached as it begged for release, wanting nothing more than to seek asylum deep within his past lover, petitioning with Kaidan to allow himself this one moment with her, to surrender to his unyielding passion just this once. Just this once, he would allow himself to give in to temptation, to satiate the near animalistic desire and fill the void that had been eating at his core for five years. Just this once, then never again, just this one last time…

_No. _

Kaidan screwed his eyes closed and brought a hand up to massage his temple, his brain flooded with hormones that chased away the threatening migraine. He refused to let himself fall under her dizzying spell. If he caved in now, he would be betraying Erin, betraying himself, betraying Shepard. He wanted her, God knew how badly he wanted her, but he had to resist, had to stand his ground, had to fight to maintain control over his now hypersensitive body.

Shepard struggled against the stasis, causing her biotics to shift synchronously against Kaidan's. The sensual feel of it tore a sharp moan free from her throat, and he damn near lost control as that beautiful sound escaped her lips.

Scrambled visions flashed in front of his closed eyes, teasing him with memories of their sex. He vividly recalled with excruciating detail the way her lithe form arched under him as he stroked her sensitive core, the way her toes curled as her orgasm rocked her body, the way her walls clamped around him, massaging his arousal and inviting him to join in her ecstasy.

A cold sweat beaded on his skin as he warred with himself, fighting his every compulsion to have her. If he stayed, even for a second longer, he knew he'd lose the battle. He couldn't risk it, couldn't chance damaging their slowly mending friendship, partnership, or whatever the hell it was. His psyche wasn't adequately prepared to deal with the consequences of sleeping with her.

He had to leave. Now.

"I think that's enough training for one day. I have to go…" he strained to speak the words, and they came out as nothing more than a harsh whisper.

He reluctantly dropped his hold on her, reeling his biotics back into their nestled implant. He felt hollow as he ended their biotic overture, his chest bogged down with emptiness. Shepard's frame slumped as dark energy relinquished its hold and gravity once more reined over her limbs.

"Uh… yeah… I, um… That's a good idea. I'll, uh… I'll see you… later," she spoke clumsily and rubbed the back of her neck, careful to avoid his gaze.

The Major's eyes darted to her and saw the rouge color her cheeks as her teeth gnawed at her bottom lip.

God, did she have a beautiful mouth.

He tore his eyes away from her and gave a terse nod as he turned on his heel and left the room. His steps were awkward as his arousal chafed against his pants and hindered his movements. He issued a silent prayer, begging that he wouldn't run into anyone in his haste to retreat back to his room. He didn't want to face the absolute embarrassment of conversing while plagued with a painfully hard erection.

It had been another clusterfuck of a day, emotions spiraling out of control as he vacillated between anger, humor, contentment, desire, irritation. He couldn't get a lid on his emotions and it irked him; he had always been incredibly composed and stoic- it's what made him such a deadly proficient biotic soldier. But Shepard weaseled her way back into life, laughing at his pitiful attempt to conceal his conflicting feelings about her, and he was incapable of controlling any of his feelings. It made him feel weak and pathetic, he was furious with himself for letting her affect him in this manner. Decades of rigorous training were easily undone by a single woman with a simple flare of her biotics. It was cruel irony.

His feet moved briskly, walking a determined path to bring him to his room where he could take a nice, cold shower. A very _long _cold shower. He hadn't felt this sexually frustrated since Joker's inadvertent cock block eight years ago when Kaidan and Shepard almost shared a kiss down by their lockers, and again later in Shepard's quarters the night before Ilos. Joker had the damnedest timing.

At the rate things were going, the Major was skeptical he could last the few months needed to properly train Shepard. He'd only seen her two times, both of which found their reunion ended by his inability to contain his need for her- a need exacerbated by their biotics blending together. He knew he didn't have the willpower or strength needed to continue fighting against his desire, to resist the urge to touch her, taste her, smell her, feel her. Then again, he wasn't so sure he wanted to keep fighting against it. After all, he had told her he was tired of fighting, hadn't he?

_Keep yourself together, Major. Stop thinking like that._

Yeah, he desperately needed that shower.


	9. Chapter 8

**A/N: Sorry for the HUGE delay in update... I know how I want the story to end and I have the conclusion and everything already written. It's just the meat inbetween that I struggle with. **

**I just wanted to thank everyone for signing up for alerts, favoriting, and reviewing despite my prolonged absence. It's those reviews and alerts that motivated me to continue writing, so thank you! You guys rock.**

**-razz**

* * *

As soon as he crossed the threshold of the room and heard the soft '_click' _of the door, Kaidan breathed a sigh of relief, releasing the breath he had been painstakingly holding in his lungs the entire walk back to his makeshift apartment. He arrived without incident; all the doctors and nurses were busied with the mundane tasks that their jobs overflowed with, his colleagues and superiors were out and about on business that didn't pertain to Shepard. He was safe from the questioning glances, the wry smiles as people glanced at his evident arousal.

The damned thing was still pestering him, painfully straining against the confines of his trousers.

_Why won't it go away?_

He roughly ran his hands over his face, the stubble of his five o'clock shadow lightly scraping against his palms. The Major slumped against the closed door, his head tilting towards the ceiling as he screwed his eyes shut and futilely attempted to will his arousal away. He fiercely pinched the bridge of his nose as he desperately tried to think of something, anything, other than his wanton desire.

It wasn't working.

Thoughts of Shepard permeated his thoughts, teasing and torturing him with their past, playing as a pornographic video in his mind's eye.

It wasn't fair, it just wasn't fucking fair.

A tightly balled fist banged against the door as his frustration reached its boiling point; frustration with himself, frustration with Shepard, frustration with the cruel irony of life. A pained groan escaped his lips as he voiced his frustration with himself. He was stronger than this – he'd worked for years to rid himself of lecherous thoughts of his old beloved, to focus solely on Erin during lovemaking, completely blanking his mind to prevent himself from envisioning that it was _her _and not the bashful doctor from the Citadel. Hell, he hadn't even allowed himself the courtesy of thinking of Shepard when he pleasured himself. She was gone, she was dead to him, she was the devil incarnate.

But only, she wasn't – not anymore. She was Shepard again, _his _Shepard. She wasn't dead, she wasn't gone, she wasn't evil or malevolent. She was back to her old quirky self: the sarcastic drawl of her words, the biting humor, the mischievousness playing in her voice, her sultry grin that sent his heart in a rapid frenzy.

How could she do this to him? How could she just _come back _after years of silent hatred, expecting him to respond as if nothing had ever transpired between them? How could she expect him to simply _accept _her spontaneous reemergence, to throw caution to the wind, and come running back to her with arms wide open? And the way she flung his relationship back into his face, making him feel guilty and dirty for moving on with his life after she had all but destroyed him. It was cruel, even for Shepard.

Kaidan cursed himself for his selfishness. He wasn't being fair to her; Shepard wasn't doing anything wrong. She'd come back from the dead for a second time, only in this circumstance, her memory reverted back to happier days, thrusting her into a long-forgotten world where she and Kaidan were blissfully swept away by the excitement of blossoming love. He couldn't hold it against her that she didn't remember their violent falling out, the tense exchanges as they cast blame on each other, the way they waged war against each other with their words and accusations. It was all lost on her, conveniently erased from her memory, stored away in a lockbox with the key thrown out into the sea.

If only Kaidan could be so lucky.

He couldn't deny the part of him that reveled in her adoration of him. He loved that she loved him again. He saw the way she looked at him, the way her body always seemed to move imperceptibly closer to him as they strode side-by-side, struggling against her innate urge to touch him and remain in constant contact with him. He loved every moment of it. It made him hate himself.

With one eye closed, he peered down to the juncture between his legs, and lamented to see that his erection still stood proud and strong. He gave it a sturdy flick, hoping the jab of pain would cause it to settle back into appeasement. He winced at the pain, but his arousal simply bobbled in response, determined in its efforts to drive him mad with barely contained need. Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck as he toyed with the idea of relieving himself; it seemed to be the only way of… rectifying his predicament. He had mountains of paperwork to fill out, reports to read and catch up on, e-mails to write, calls to make, the list went on for miles. It wouldn't serve him well to attempt to work with this distraction.

He strolled to his bathroom, berating himself as he walked. He shouldn't have to resort to this. It'd been ages since he last masturbated – he hadn't the need for it any longer. While he and Erin didn't exactly have the most gratuitous sex life, his own drive had tempered in recent years. He didn't lust after her as he'd lusted after Shepard; he didn't feel compelled to constantly please her, to feel her skin against his, to lose himself in her as he found his release.

Serving onboard with his old Commander on the _Normandy _had been bittersweet. He loved that he worked with her, granting him the divine privilege of being stowed away on a ship with her for months on end, thereby giving him the perfect excuse to mosey on up to her cabin and just be with her and talk with her. Even in silence, he much preferred to sit in her cabin, busying himself with nonessential tasks as Shepard poured over her work: preparing for debriefings, writing reports, gathering evidence to present to the Council. Kaidan had been more than happy to sit in her room and offer her a meager attempt at moral support. There was no other place that he'd rather be.

Fighting gruesome battles alongside Shepard gave him an added boost to his biotic kick as his natural male inclination to protect that which he loved kicked into gear, fueling him with adrenaline and strength. He loved watching her on the battlefield – she moved with a grace that would make even the most talented ballerinas green with envy. She truly made killing look like a beautiful and exotic art form, detracting from the horrors of death and war. Kaidan considered himself to be the luckiest man alive to be able to witness her grace and finesse both on the battlefield and in the bedroom. Shepard certainly was a woman of many talents.

When she left, Kaidan always knew that sex with anyone else would never compare, not by a longshot. He knew he was incapable of loving anyone the way he loved Shepard; his father had been spot on when he told his son that the Commander was, undoubtedly, his great love. He defied the typical male persona, valuing and cherishing sex as a proclamation of love, not a mere physical pleasure and indulgence. He had never taken it lightly; to Kaidan, it was making love, never… fucking. He hated having sex for sex's sake as it lacked the emotional intimacy that intensified the act. He had only done it once before, when Shepard left him beaten and broken, an absolute emotional wreck. He needed to feel loved, to feel valued and cherished, to feel safe. He ran back to Erin, a broken mess of a man, unshed tears threatening to spill over, volatile emotions running rampant within his core, desperate to think of anything but his Shepard and the wreck she had made of him. He clung onto Erin and relied on her to provide a half-hearted distraction from the insurmountable pain of losing the love of his life.

Kaidan reached into his shower and turned the nozzle to his preferred setting and ridded himself of his clothes as he waited for the temperature to settle. He sighed contentedly as his erection was finally freed of its prison, allowed to breathe freely in the open air, no longer struggling against the pesky fabric that harnessed it down.

Steam emanated from the shower and began to fog up the mirror as the haze settled in the room. He stepped in the stream, only now noticing how much tension he had been carrying in his shoulders and enjoyed the cascade of hot water as it rhythmically massaged his aching joints.

He grabbed his shampoo and squeezed a generous portion into his hand, watching as the translucent blue gel pooled in his palm, rivulets of falling water leaving small craters in the viscous liquid. He lathered his hair with the soap and foamy bubbles washed down his torso and parted around his member.

He peered down at his relentless arousal, slightly disappointed that it hadn't decided to simply admit defeat and return to its normal state. His toffee eyes shifted uncomfortably, checking unnecessarily for any unwelcome bystander that was about to witness his nefarious deed. Guilt washed over him, overshadowing the relaxing feel of the shower, as he tentatively snaked his hand down his stomach, hesitating briefly just below his navel.

_I shouldn't be doing this. I really shouldn't be doing this. Not while thinking about _her.

It felt like cheating in the simplest sense, allowing himself release while envisioning a woman other than the one he had committed to years ago. Kaidan briefly chewed on his lower lip, vacillating between cosseting or depriving himself.

The Major was firmly standing at attention and had no intention of releasing its salute any time soon.

He finally relented, his fingers firmly grasping the base of his arousal, and his breath hitched at the contact. God, it had been so long since he actually felt the need, the undeniable _necessity_, to orgasm. While sex with Erin was relaxing as all hell, he never _craved _sleeping with her.

Kaidan used the soapy lather that had congregated to firmly stroke his hand down his length. He leaned against the side of the shower, the cool tile pressing against his overheated back, and he gradually quickened his pace.

A myriad of images and memories of Shepard flooded his mind, nearly overwhelming his senses as he vividly recalled her delicious scent, her taste, her piercing hazel eyes, the uncanny softness of her skin that belied any indication that she was a hardened soldier. He remembered the way she breathed his name in the most beautiful way as she toppled into ecstasy with Kaidan in close pursuit.

A shiver crept up Kaidan's spine at the lewd memories, liberating the desire that had been hibernating in him for so long. He leaned his head against the wall and lost himself in those treacherous memories, reliving moments that he had tried to forget, and his hand moved ever quicker on his arousal. It took just a few short moments before he felt the tell-tale tingle in his balls that signaled his release was near. Kaidan shuddered as his powerful orgasm rocked his body and Shepard's name rolled off his tongue. It lasted for an eternity, the feeling radiating throughout his body, leaving him with a sense of satisfaction he hadn't felt since God knows when.

As the fireworks left his vision, he let his arms fall limply by his side and he rested against the wall. His mind was void of all thought and emotion, and Kaidan cherished the brief moment of serenity and silence that graced his frenzied brain. With all the chaos that had erupted into his life the past week, he embraced that second of clarity, ignoring the fact that he knew it was simply the calm before the storm.

* * *

Shepard's eyes were fixed on the door, looking at the entrance hopefully, half expecting Kaidan to turn on his heel and march right back into the room. She admonished herself for her harsh retaliation against him; her emotions had swallowed her whole and caused her to lash out at the man she so desperately loved, wanting nothing more than to wipe that goddamned self-satisfied smirk off of his face. She could hardly blame herself for her reaction, however, as Kaidan had taken the ridiculous argument to an entirely unnecessary level as he broached the topic of _sex _with that… that fucking floozy from the Citadel.

_What a bitch._

Shepard was glued to her position on the floor – she wasn't even sure she could move her feet if she tried. They weighed two tons each, holding her mercilessly in place as her hope slowly began dissipating.

_He isn't coming back._

Her brows clenched together anxiously as she cracked each of her knuckles individually in a drawn out procession, yet another nervous habit she had acquired during her reign on the _Normandy. _A stray lock of hair obscured her vision, and Shepard huffed it out of her face with an exasperated breath. Her hazel eyes lingered on the door, staring for just another minute, just in case Kaidan decided to turn back and talk with her and train her. She'd be damned if he caught her as she hustled out of the room, witnessing her desperation as she lurched after to him to murmur apologies and admissions of guilt and brash words.

Shepard's pride inhibited her ability to chase after the Major. She refused to pursue a man who had apparently moved on and crafted a new life for himself with some doctor. Did Shepard mention that she _really _fucking hated doctors?

Her stomach clenched with an indiscernible emotion as the last of her optimism dissolved.

_That's it – he really isn't coming back._

Her heart still pounded in her chest, hormones frantically chasing after her lucidity and muddying rational thought. The sexual tension that had generated between the two of them had been palpable. Shepard was certain that had she moved her hand through the air, it would have been greeted with resistance as it fought against the tangible dissension.

Good Lord, she couldn't remember the last time she'd had sex. She felt like a teenager all over again as her lustful thoughts chanted a mantra of _sex, sex, sex, sex _when their dark energy had briefly mingled. The sensation sent a shiver down her spine. She'd never had biotics before, let alone ever used them during any sort of physical intimacy, yet there was something so incredibly _familiar _about the feeling. Her body acted instinctually to the coalescence of power, a hazy memory teasing at her limbs as she craved the touch of his biotics against her own. She'd never felt that kind of joining before, yet she knew exactly what it would feel like had she let her energy envelope Kaidan's. It was the damnedest thing.

Ignoring the ache in her heart, Shepard gathered herself and left the room, shambling down the hallway as her casted leg echoed soft _clunks _in the corridor. People bustled past her, not even registering her presence, as they went about their daily duties. She almost envied them, really, as she realized that all she had waiting for her back in her hospital room was an uninteresting novel. She didn't even have a fucking window to gaze out of, losing herself in daydreams as she watched the world from the confines of her prison. It dawned on her then that she had yet to see any pictures or vids of the world, or even the galaxy, since the destruction of the Reapers. Had the cities mostly recovered? Were they still in shambles, barely able to repair themselves after the carnage of the war? How severe had the damage even _been? _

A heavy sigh burdened her chest as she neared her room. Her life had been reduced to a ludicrous and mundane regime of physical therapy and brain exercises. Was this _really _all she had to look forward to in her near future? From all accounts given to her, Shepard was a fugitive, a rogue ex-Spectre on the run from the entire galaxy. When she fully recovered, would the Alliance apprehend her, hand her over to the Council, and throw her into incarceration for the rest of her natural life? She doubted they would; after all, why would they go to such excessive measures to ensure her full recovery if they planned to imprison her? It didn't make sense… then again, little of the Alliance or Council's procedures and protocols had ever made an iota of sense to Shepard.

She approached her room and watched the circular green lock as it spun open. A soft flutter of cool air blew in her face, cooling off her radiating skin that still felt the aftershocks of her arousal. She moved stiffly over to the end table at the corner of her bed and grabbed her data pad as she flopped carelessly back onto her mattress. Her derriere settled into its form fitting nodule; Shepard had grown accustomed to its uncomfortable crease and hardly registered the ridge as it wedged between her cheeks.

A mischievous grin toyed at her lips as she thumbed through her data pad. Sure, her knowledge of tech might be a few years outdated, but she was an astute infiltrator and had a knack for hacking. She'd picked up a few things from Kaidan, who, she would never admit, was honestly the better techie. The only reason she ever beat him in their little game was the fact that she purposefully gave him the more challenging locks. He never thought twice about verifying the difficultly of the hack; he trusted her implicitly and never would have dreamed she was capable of such deception. Her former Lieutenant blindly accepted whatever challenge she issued him and adamantly believed that she divvied up their puzzles evenly.

Poor bastard.

Her chest tightened at the fond memories of Kaidan. She missed him. Not having Kaidan constantly around her was disorienting: the way he nagged her about checking in with Chakwas after sustaining injuries, urged her to complete her Commanderly duties, challenged her to constantly hone her technical and sniping prowess, and, perhaps most of all, the way he warmed the other side of the bed, a constant source of comfort to be held onto when she awoke from a disturbing nightmare about Harbinger, Saren, and the Reapers. He'd not only been her lover, but her best friend, and she was finding it increasingly difficult to ignore the void that she felt in her heart with his chronic absence.

What could she have possibly done to make him hate her so much?

The hot sting of tears seared at her eyes, threatening to spill over the rim and flow down her cheeks. She steeled herself, attempting to thwart the onslaught of emotion as it geared up for a devastating attack. Shepard had tried desperately to act nonchalantly towards Kaidan, to prove to him in some obscure way that she was still just Shepard, she was still the Commander that she was eight years ago, not the maniacal heathen that had surfaced throughout the climax of the war. It was all for naught, her efforts in vain, and her Lieutenant (_gah, he's a Major now)_ still wore his veil of stoicism, refusing to let his concrete façade crack in her pitiful endeavors to reach out to him, reel him back in, and claim him for herself.

The screen of her datapad blurred as she found herself losing the battle, the tears brimming in her vision caused her world to become unfocused. Shepard supposed she deserved the treatment she was garnering from Kaidan; after all, she _had _been prodding him about his relationship, provoking him to react so that she could feel justified in her hurt and anger towards him… towards everything, actually.

The entire time she'd been here, not one of her old crew had stopped by to check in with her, to say hello, to see how she was healing and progressing. Hell, she'd even settle for one of them showing up, slugging her across the face and yelling at her for supposed transgressions. At least that would be _something. _An indicator that they still thought about and cared for her, even in a negative fashion; negative attention is still attention, after all. Having everyone you ever cared for feel nothing towards you was a thousand times more painful than having them hate you. No matter what anyone could possibly say, Shepard knew that ambivalence and apathy, not hatred, were the opposite of love. The gravity of that realization stabbed at her heart, the knife twisting to further lacerate her wound.

She angrily wiped at the tears she hadn't realized trailed down her cheeks with the back of her hand and smeared the salty liquid across her face. Lord, how she hated crying. It was a useless waste of water and emotion.

Shepard felt the gears in her brain start turning, a plan crafting itself in her mind. She had to think of something, some way to weasel back into Kaidan's life, to appeal to his romantic views on life and firmly reestablish herself as a key component. She'd worked too damn hard and trudged through an absurd amount of sexual tension and frustration to lose Kaidan like this. All those sleepless nights on the _Normandy _when he worked away in his same little spot on the same little circuit boards, refusing to move from that location with the hope that she would eventually make her way down to the deck and talk to him; all those times Kaidan stayed in the cabin with her, proffering help and assistance when she was laboring over reports; how she always waited impatiently for him to man up and just kiss her, take her in his arms and hold her tight. It was ridiculous the amount of time and energy she had vested into him without fully knowing that he was even willing to risk fraternization.

And then finally, _finally, _after months of coy banter, stolen glances, and lingering touches, she was able to make him hers and become his. And it lasted for all of a couple of weeks before those goddamned Collectors destroyed her ship and spaced her, sending her catapulting into oblivion, and stole that love away from her. Where was the justice in that?

She angrily threw her datapad to the side and it clattered against the floor. Her hands were balled tightly into fists as she clenched her bed sheets, wrinkling and tearing the fabric with the ferocity of her grasp. She didn't realize she had been clenching her teeth until the dull ache of her jaw throbbed. She uncoiled her fingers from their vice grip as she took a shuddering breath to stabilize her wrath.

At this point, Shepard would settle even for his friendship. She just knew that she had to have Kaidan in her life in some small capacity. He didn't have to be her lover or her soul mate; he just had to be there. He'd loved her once, and she tried to convince herself that he still did to some small degree. If he hadn't, surely he would have already left by now.

But how do you go about making someone love you again?

Shepard felt dirty and deceitful in her scheming, trying to lure a man away from his current girlfriend so she could selfishly have him for herself. But she had little else to keep her feet solidly on the ground, helping her keep hold on her sanity as her entire life was thrown into chaos. He'd been her rock, the one constant in her life that kept her grounded. As much as she loathed admitting it, she needed him. She wasn't sure she could go through this without him. The more she learned of her past actions, the more she hated herself.

She had no control over the nuances that plagued her reality, but this was the one thing she felt she could influence, the one thing she could control and manipulate.

A shiver crept up her spine as Shepard truly absorbed what she was thinking, the things she was planning on doing. Maybe everyone was right after all – maybe she was no longer the Commander she had once been: stubborn, determined, vivacious, just. What if that part of her truly was dead? Forever altered and morphed into the lying, deceitful, hateful bitch that she had been for the past several years. The old Shepard never would have even dreamed of plotting to manipulate Kaidan into falling for her.

_What's wrong with me?_

She forced her eyes closed and her tears dried up, the reservoir of liquid depleted. Shepard rested her head against her pillow as nasty thoughts about herself plagued her mind. She fell into a fitful sleep, and in the recesses of her mind, she longed for the warm presence at her side that was reserved for Kaidan – but the sheets were cold and empty.

She dreamed of him that night, remembering the few moments they shared together before everything was cruelly yanked out from under her. It just wasn't fucking fair.

* * *

**A/N: I know, I know, two author notes in one chapter. My apologies. Just wanted to note that this should be one of the last truly angst riddled chapters. There will be a couple more, but they won't be as heavy. The tides, they are a-turnin' for our beloved Shenko. **


	10. Chapter 9

**A/N: So it suddenly occurred to me that the title of this fic bears the same name as that Katy Perry song. Oh, the shame... It's inspired me to come up with a new title, but I'm struggling to think of one that suits this story. Any suggestions?**

**Anyway, hope you guys are enjoying the ride so far! Any and all reviews or feedback are greatly appreciated and encouraged! Thanks to those of you who do :) ****And thanks to the rest of you for being faithful followers/readers! You guys rock.**

**-razz**

* * *

Kaidan's eyes were fixed shut as he pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to will his mind to work against the ill effects of sleep deprivation, hunger, and guilt. It'd been days since he last saw Shepard, after that humiliating encounter laden with sexual tension. Just days earlier, his father gave him a boot in the ass to help set his head on straight. After that night in the bar, the Major had every intention of marching right back into Shepard's room, dragging her out of the cloud of self-pity, and smacking some sense into her so she didn't get herself killed. Needless to say, the positive effects his father's little speech had had on Kaidan were quickly lost after the awkward meeting with his former lover. He wasn't sure he could look her in the face again, knowing that he had foolishly pleasured himself to thoughts of her.

Oh, God, the shame was almost overwhelming. He'd had a lapse of judgment, submitting to desire and desperation, and now Shepard was paying the price for his depravity. Truth be told, the Major doubted his resolve; he'd only felt their biotics mingle _once_ before he was prisoner to the sensation. That didn't bode well for future sessions… it didn't bode well at all.

He had lost count of the number of times he lingered at her door, planning on making that the day he'd march in and fully commit to training her. He'd intended to cast aside their numerous differences, overcome his insatiable desire to hold her and touch her, and ignore the pressing sense of embarrassment, shame, and responsibility that weighed heavily upon his shoulders. Unfortunately, he always found some excuse to leave; there were always more reports that needed to be read, files that had to be sorted, plans that had to be drawn out. There was always _something_ to distract Kaidan from entering her room and reengaging her biotic training.

He'd found himself standing stupidly at her room's entrance, immobilized by fear, unable to cross over the precipice and come face-to-face with the very thing he simultaneously loathed and adored, on more occasions than he cared to admit. Kaidan hadn't felt scared, honestly and truly scared, since he thought Harbinger killed Shepard in London. He watched with unfathomable horror as the red laser targeted her and struck the ground just inches away from her body, causing her to collapse on the ground as debris from the carnage fell dangerously close around her, threatening to crush her under its monumental weight.

Kaidan felt more terrified in that moment than he ever had in his entire life.

Nothing he experienced at BAaT, even if piled together, came close to matching the life-altering sense of absolute panic and terror that seized control of him as Shepard's body crumpled in a lifeless heap. He thought he lost her, _again_; that he was going to have to suffer through the agonizing anguish of her death, _again_. He barely survived coping with her death the first time; he knew he wouldn't be so lucky if she were to die again.

His eyelids were clenched so securely his eye sockets ached. The memory played before him like a treacherous film, making him relive every excruciating detail, forcing the emotions he had bottled away for so long to come surfacing with a brutal vengeance. His throat felt too tight, constricted by the pressing weight of remorse, as he recalled the way he had moved instinctually, leaving his position at the _Normandy_ where the crew held a staunch defensive line to render aid to his fallen Commander. All he wanted was to be by Shepard's side, ensure that she still lived, and protect her to his dying breath; he'd known better than to let her talk him into staying to secure the line while she charged towards the beam without him. But she was damn persuasive, using her hold on him to her advantage without him recognizing it. Realizing that he had fallen victim to her clever manipulations tore at his heart, a fist of regret and worry clenching it forcefully and hindering its ability to continue beating and supply blood to his extremities. How had he fallen for her ploy so easily? He hated his naiveté, and he'd be damned if Shepard died because he had been too idiotic to defy her order and stay at her side, no matter the consequences.

His biotics had slithered around him, covering his body like a protective glove, as he blindly ran straight into Harbinger's line of fire. He was overcome with panic that clouded his judgment, causing him to act without thinking, run without looking, and he plunged straight into the heart of the attack. All Kaidan could focus on was Shepard's still form, bloodied and broken on the ground – _alone –_ and his unyielding need to protect her, to save her, to die with her if he had to.

It had only been James' interference that saved Kaidan's life. James had taken off after the Major, just a second behind him – his reaction time was impressive for someone so bulky – before his very large and very sturdy frame tackled Kaidan, flattening him to the ground as the heat of the Reaper's laser seared above them, almost singeing the fine hairs on the back of the men's necks.

But Shepard…

He was startled out of his disturbing memories by the sound of his terminal beeping at the receipt of an unread message. He instantly sat rigidly upright in his chair, his spine elongating to make a perfectly straight line, causing a few of his vertebrae to pop at the sudden movement. He silently cursed himself for his recently acquired nervousness; his life was in a constant state of upheaval ever since Shepard had returned, leading him to be more skittish than he'd been in years. He felt like he was a hapless teenager suffering through Brain Camp all over again.

The terminal bleeped obnoxiously loud once more, blinking to indicate a slew of unread e-mails that inundated his inbox. He had all but ignored his message as of late, not wanting to read Hackett's harried requests for updates on Shepard's progress. It'd only been a few days, for God's sake, why couldn't people just give him ample time to at least _try _and make some headway?

Kaidan quickly calmed his nerves and used his feet to roll his chair over to the desk, the tattered carpeting straining against the rotation of the wheels. The screen flickered to life, its orange glow casting an eerie hue in the barren room, as he settled himself in front of the terminal. He casually scrolled through the messages, looking with disinterest at the multitude of spam that cluttered his inbox, a majority of which were from his gullible mother, believing that it was absolutely essential she pass on all the junk mail, lest she suffer the devastating consequences the e-mails foretold. Kaidan didn't have the heart to tell her that she was falling prey to the predatory scheme.

Out of the corner of his eye he spotted Erin's name, and he felt his heart skip a beat upon realizing he hadn't spoken to her since he arrived in Vancouver. He opened her message and scanned its contents.

_Hey Baby,_

_It's been a while since I've heard from you, so I thought I'd check in. I just miss you and I can't help but worry about you. I hope your migraines aren't bothering you._

_How's Vancouver? Everything at the Citadel is fine, just the….._

Kaidan tried to read the rest of her letter, but the words blurred together into a disjointed mass. He was shocked at how quickly he had lost interest in her message, aloof as she highlighted mundane details about her monotonous job and progress on the Citadel as it recovered from the Reaper attack. Iniquity momentarily shrouded his thoughts; he hadn't even thought about Erin in days, for his thoughts always drifted to Shepard, to the task at hand.

What was happening to him? He'd never been this disinterested in Erin before. It made him feel like an ass.

Guilt stabbed itself in his heart, deepening the festering wound that had been plaguing him for days. It was an emotion that he seemed incapable of escaping lately; it relentlessly pursued him wherever he went, haranguing him about Shepard, Erin, his own selfishness, and reared its ugly head whenever he approached a state of complacency.

He rested his chin in his hand and lightly scratched at the curve of his jaw as he closed Erin's message. He'd read it later when he was more lucid and capable of sending her an appropriate response. He owed her at least that much.

He groaned. This insomnia was really starting to bite him in the ass. The entire duration of his stay in Vancouver, he'd been having difficulties sleeping, undoubtedly caused by his misgivings and avoidance of Shepard. Guilt was a hell of a drug.

Kaidan backed away from his terminal and leaned against the chair, combing his fingers through his graying hair before settling his hands over his face. He inhaled deeply and held his breath, trying to silence his deafening thoughts, turn off his brain, and let instinct and intuition guide him. The Major had a horrible tendency to over think situations and analyze them exhaustively to ensure that he always left himself a way out. He was careful, too careful honestly, and it led to him being riddled with indecision and doubt.

He peeked out between his fingers to glance at the clock resting at the side of the terminal – it was a little after 6 in the morning.

_So much for getting a good night's sleep_…

Kaidan grumbled to himself as he rose from his chair, arching his back in a deep stretch. He'd spent the last few days pouring over datapads, fascinated with macabre interest at Shepard's past and all the events that brought her here. All his meticulous research left him haunted by the images of her wrecked body immediately after her rescue from Tuchanka.

She had been covered in several lacerations that required a myriad of stitches. The right half of her body had been mangled, almost unrecognizably so, as if she used it as a shield against an onslaught of attacks that should have killed her. The skin and bones weaves Cerberus implanted her with were likely to thank for her fortunate survival. Her arm was broken between her wrist and elbow, her ulna bone snapped and her radius bone fractured. Her right femur had been fractured in several spots with a jagged break towards her knee, resulting in a massive compound fracture, the bone glistening through the skin. She suffered from blunt force trauma to her head, courtesy of a devastating blow to her left brow that crushed her eye socket and caused her brain to swell. Some of the implants Cerberus had embedded in her cranium dislodged themselves and shocked her already bruised organ, leading to Shepard's comatose state.

Kaidan's stomach churned with a wave of nausea as he thumbed through the photos of her extensive injuries. He couldn't stomach reading the rest of the reports, detailing her procedures and showing more photographic evidence of the damage the krogan had done. He had to take a break, tear himself away from the evocative images before they destroyed him with unwelcomed feelings of blame and responsibility.

He should have been there to save her, to help her, to protect her. He never should have let her leave, never should have questioned her on Mars, doubted her allegiances, challenged her authority, or abandoned her on Horizon. Maybe… maybe if he hadn't done those things, maybe if he had just _trusted _her as she had trusted him, maybe then none of this would have ever happened. Shepard would still be Shepard; she'd never have lost her mind, changed her personality, or suffer the brutality of krogan ire…

_No. It's not my fault; Shepard made her own choices. She left _me.

Kaidan frantically tried to alter the self-damning themes that cluttered his mind. He couldn't handle the implied responsibility for Shepard's abysmal fate… he just couldn't. He couldn't live with himself if he had.

He sauntered over to the refrigerator and peered at its lackluster contents, welcoming the chilly air as it caressed his face, momentarily waking him up from his sleep deprived stupor. Kaidan gruffly grabbed a bottle of water and chugged it down, not realizing how dehydrated he had been as he greedily consumed it in its entirety. He plucked another out of the fridge and pressed the cool container against his forehead, temporarily appeasing the migraine that was beckoning beneath the surface, before walking back to his console to read the rest of his messages. It was going to be a very long morning.

He groused as he settled back in front of the screen, irritated by that damned blinking light. Would it _ever _stop? His interest piqued at an encrypted message that sat cryptically between spam for ***MUST HAVE MALE ENHANCEMENT PILLS*** and financial reports.

He clicked it open, an eyebrow rising on his forehead, and he carefully read the succinct note.

_Kaidan:_

_I have found some information that I believe would interest you. Please let me know when you have a moment to spare so we can discuss this further._

_ Hope that life is serving you well, my friend._

_-Liara_

Ah, his favorite asari! Just as he settled his fingers above the terminal to hastily type out a response to her ambiguous letter, he was startled by a loud rapping on his door. Kaidan felt his body twitch with surprise at the unexpected sound, and he admonished himself a second time for his edginess. His alarm was quickly succeeded by his growing agitation, both at himself and the unwelcomed visitor. He puffed out his cheeks as he blew out an irritated breath and pushed himself free of his chair. He glanced down at his frame, noting his current state of undress: his sweats hung loosely around his hips, showcasing a generous portion of the hair that traveled below his navel and disappeared under the fabric; his chest was bare, save for the metal dog tags that clanged together at his movements. He shrugged a shoulder, uncaring at his lack of attire and professionalism. Whoever was at his door would simply have to endure his half-dressed form, but the Major was arrogant enough to know that he was hardly a sore sight.

He snagged the water bottle off of his desk and deftly twisted the cap off with a single hand, taking a giant swig of the cool refreshment as he wandered over to the door. Several knocks in rapid succession lilted across the room; the person petitioning entrance was apparently impatient that morning.

Kaidan felt his irritation spike at the pestering sound and deliberately slowed his steps in a passive aggressive act to further agitate his guest. Whoever had the indecency to show up, unannounced, at his room at 6 in the goddamned morning deserved to wait a little while longer. He was feeling especially spiteful that morning, likely caused by his sleep deprivation and mild starvation. The Major was well aware that he was uncharacteristically grumpy when he was hungry, a fact that the _Normandy _crew loved to tease him with, claiming that he PMSed more than the women onboard.

He drew the bottle up to his lips once more, welcoming the revitalizing vigor it renewed him with, and wiped the excess moisture free with the back of his hand. A satisfied sigh escaped him as he cherished that final moment of silence and solidarity before pressing the button to disengage the lock. The green circle spun and revolved as it registered his command, and the gears groaned their compliance as the door slowly slid open. Kaidan placed the wasted bottle on the end table to his side as he waited for the door to part open.

Goosebumps swept across his skin as his toffee eyes rested on Shepard's silhouette, her hand mid-air, balled in a fist as it attempted to knock at a door that had suddenly vanished.

"I swear to God, trying to find this place was like pulling teeth. The assholes wouldn't tell me where you were stationed. Apparently, I'm not supposed to leave the medical ward. Bastards. Thankfully, I still have a knack for hacking and was able to find your room. Walking here was an absolute bitch, though; my leg is killing me."

Shepard upturned the corner of her mouth in a partial smile before she eventually noticed his half-naked form. She gawked at him, her eyes slowly journeying up his indecent appearance, and she dropped her hand lazily back to her side.

"Well, looks like someone's been working out these past 8 years. When did you get so… _buff?_" She spoke with a hint of flirtation, her brow arching as a coy smiled teased at her lips.

Kaidan felt his cheeks burn with a rapid blush and his hand snaked around his neck at his sudden discomfort.

"I, ah, I had a lot of free time and, ah, pent up anger for a while there… Working out was a good stress reliever," he stammered. His eyes were fixed on the floor, staring at the worn, stained carpet. He noticed a few stray loops of fabric that had wriggled themselves free of the intricately woven carpeting; he idly toed the hoops and averted Shepard's stare.

"Huh. Looks good on you."

Her gaze lingered on his midriff, enjoying the sight of his well-defined muscles and the pronounced 'V' of his hips, as if pointing down to the promises of what lay hidden beneath the fabric of his sweats.

His blush deepened and he audibly cleared his throat, searching fervently across the room for something to throw on. The majority of his shirts lay in muddled heaps on the floor, carelessly discarded into a pile of dirty laundry that had seemed to manifest overnight. Kaidan felt suddenly horrified at the state of his room; he'd always been an overly clean and neat person, placing each and every item in its exact location, folding and organizing his laundry the day he'd washed it. When did he become such a slob? And to let _Shepard, _of all people, witness his unruly lifestyle.

"Sooo… are you gonna invite me in? Or should I just stand out here in the hallway?" Shepard tried to steal a peak around Kaidan's broad frame, but he hastily stepped in front of her vision to block her from viewing the disarray.

She whined, a small _hmph _escaping from her lips, at Kaidan's intrusion.

"I, ah, I just wasn't… expecting any company. My place is kinda messy right now, and I'd hate for you to get lost in the clutter…"

His eyes wandered about the room, cringing as he saw stacks of dirty plates mounted high on the countertops. He hadn't realized until this moment just how much Erin had spoiled him by happily cleaning up his messes, tidying up their apartment whenever she found a spare moment. He'd grown accustomed to her maid-like services, and he had taken for granted the advantages of living with such an orderly woman. The evidence of his domesticated lifestyle glared at him with disapproval.

Shepard scoffed and folded her arms across her chest, her hip jutting to the side as she tilted her head toward her shoulder. "Kaidan, please – I'm the messiest person you know. You were always incredibly anal about the cleanliness of your quarters on the _Normandy. _You're messiest day is still better than my cleanest day. I'm sure I won't be bothered by all three scraps of paper that are littering your room."

She trudged forward and Kaidan was helpless to prevent her entrance as she bustled past him, nearly tripping the Major with the solidity of her leg's cast as it whipped out in front of him.

"Shepard, really, it's… it's gross. Please let me clean up first, or-or take you out to breakfast somewhere…" he stumbled over his words, desperate to get her out of his room as quickly as possible.

She simply laughed her response and shook her head, the auburn tresses glinting deep red in the light of the small kitchen. Kaidan felt his heart leap as the trill of her laughter graced his ears. It was the first honest laugh he'd heard from her in years; he'd forgotten how much he loved that sound.

Shepard let out a low whistle as her eyes darted across the unclean kitchen, absorbing the unusual clutter.

"You weren't lying when you said your place was messy," she smirked and turned her body to face Kaidan, smiling brightly. "You're almost as bad as I am!"

He couldn't help the groan that tore from his throat as he buried his face in his hands with shame. The burning blush traveled down his neck, and he was positive that Shepard could see the bright red of his skin preaching his humiliation.

"I've just, ah, been busy these past few days. You know, reports and, ah, financial analyses to complete…" his voice trailed off as he scavenged his mind for any number of excuses to offer his surprise guest.

"I call bullshit," she looked at him sternly, "The only 'work' you're supposed to be doing is training me, which you obviously haven't been doing. How many reports and analyses could you possibly have that would take you _days _to complete? Even _I _didn't take that long to fill out budget sheets or duty rosters, and I'm absolutely shit at time management."

The Major felt his stomach clench with guilt, unintentionally informing him that she'd been privy to his circumvention of her.

"Ah, yeah… I, ah, I'm sorry about that… I've been meaning to go to your room." He lowered his hands and gave her an apologetic mien.

"Don't sweat it; I _did_ assault you with a really fucked up biotic maneuver after all. Sorry about that… but, hey, it worked! Getting used to the biotic engagement, I mean. I've been practicing for days to initiate the implant without actually getting pissed off. That's one of the reasons I came up here, actually. I wanted to show you…" Shepard said sheepishly, both excited at her progress and undeniably embarrassed at her lack of discipline and finesse in the biotic art. She fiddled with her fingers awkwardly, avoiding his gaze to mask her inexplicable shyness.

Kaidan smiled brightly, giving her his charming lop-sided grin, and his heart swelled with pride at her accomplishment; he'd known she was fully capable of reacquainting herself with her natural biotic tendencies, but he had doubted her resolve to see the training to fruition. It occurred to him that, despite his childish avoidance of her, Shepard had been diligently training herself in an attempt to prove to Kaidan that she was serious about her training and wanted to continue. He felt another pang of guilt jab at his gut, reinforcing his own feelings of self-resentment at his abandonment of her.

"Shepard, that's fantastic!"

She grinned haphazardly, a dimple forming in her cheek, and she stared up at him through thick lashes, her hazel eyes twinkling with self-satisfaction and an uncharacteristic bashfulness. It was an incredibly endearing look, and Kaidan found himself momentarily entranced by her gaze. He wasn't sure he could pull himself away from those beautiful eyes and smile even if he wanted to. God, how he wanted to just close the distance between them and hold her firmly against his chest, inhale the aroma that was unique to his Shepard, and lose himself in the moment, reveling in the sense of completion he hadn't felt since she left him. Did she even realize how beautiful she truly was?

Her voice tore him free from her alluring spell, drawing his attention back to the present. "Well, don't get too excited now. All I can do is conjure a useless cloud of purplish blue smoke. I can't actually _do _anything with it. I swear to God, I never realized how hard this biotic business was. I give you mad props for mastering the art so perfectly. I have a newfound respect for you sentinels."

She turned her back to him and limped into his kitchen. Kaidan followed closely behind her, tied to her by an invisible leash.

It took him a moment before he had gathered enough of his wits to entertain a response.

"Engaging and controlling the implant is actually one of the more difficult parts. Learning the talents is just memorization work and physical mnemonics."

Shepard approached his filthy counter and lightly scooted a few unwashed dishes to the side, clearing a small surface area on the countertop. She rested her lower back against the edge of the bar and gripped the sides with her hands, lightly drumming her fingers on the bottom lip of the ledge.

She snorted her response. "Yeah, I hope so. After that bullshit in the training room, I'm scared to assume that any of it will come easily to me."

Her words trailed off and her gaze flickered down to Kaidan's torso, unable to help herself from eyeing the spectacle before her. The Major watched as her blatant ogling registered with his old Commander, and a blush quickly ascended her cheeks as she became fully aware of her faux pas. She hastily ran a hand over her face, trying to scrub the heat of rouge from her burning cheeks, and screwed her eyes shut to prevent herself from gawking.

"Look, not that I don't appreciate the opportunity to stare at a beautiful body, but could you please put on a shirt? It's… distracting," Shepard's voice was slightly muffled by the prison of her hand that covered her face.

Kaidan appeared slightly startled by her question, the flippant compliment catching him off guard, yet instilling him with a slight sense of egotism.

"Ah, yeah, no problem. Sorry about that…" he mumbled.

He briskly walked past the counter to his studio bedroom, rummaging through the mountain of clothes that had piled up, desperately searching for a clean, and, admittedly, form-fitting shirt. He was hesitant to confess that he enjoyed Shepard's prolonged stares, eyeing him with the same desire that had been afflicting him ever since he first encountered her in the hospital room.

During his pillage of his room, he shouted out to her, trying to erase the awkward silence that hung thickly in the air. "What are you even doing up? It's barely 6 in the morning. We both know you're not a morning person."

He heard the faint sound of ruffling clothing and the light scraping of her cast against a cabinet door as she hoisted herself to sit on top of the counter. Shepard was silent for a moment, softly clucking her tongue as she deliberated on her answer. Kaidan felt a red hot heat sting at the edges of his ears, suddenly dreading her response, worried that her hesitation was an indication that her next words were going to sting and cut deeply at his already injured heart.

Kaidan finally found a relatively clean shirt, cleverly stowed away under the bed, and it was mostly free of any wrinkles or lint. Good _god, _when did he become such a fucking _slob? _He chastised himself once more, cursing himself for falling so easily into a life of complacency and letting Shepard catch him at his worst, living in a dimly lit room muddled with junk without a clean shirt to spare.

He quickly drew his arms through the sleeves and pulled the fabric in front of his chest, dexterously fastening the garment closed and rolling the sleeves up to his elbows.

"I, um, I haven't been sleeping much the past couple of nights," Shepard's voice floated out of the kitchen, wavering slightly with nervousness.

Kaidan walked back to the kitchen and stood a few feet in front of her, suddenly unsure of what to do with his hands. He felt horribly uncomfortable in his own body. Should he just stand there, arms limply at his sides, and just… look at her? Well, _that_ certainly wouldn't look awkward or creepy. Should he fold his arms across his chest? No, no, then he would appear disinterested or frustrated with her, anxious for her quick retreat.

His fingers trembled with the urge to brush away the stray strand of wavy auburn hair that dangled in front of Shepard's downturned face. Her shoulders were slumped and her head hung low, staring at her hand as she played with the fraying plastic molding of her cast. She chewed on her bottom lip, signaling her own discomfort and emotional fragility. In spite of his resentments of her, she looked so utterly innocent and scared that the compulsion to touch her and ease her worries was nearly overwhelming.

_Well, maybe just a quick touch…_

Indecision ate away at him, and he caught himself as his hand lifted in the air, hesitating between their bodies, the tendons twitching as they were simultaneously reaching out towards Shepard and pulling away from her. It moved millimeters closer to her, the last of his resolve melting away as he saw the slight shudder in her small frame as she inhaled an unsteady breath.

She was seemingly oblivious to his conflicted hand and continued speaking, her eyes still fixated on her cast. "I keep thinking about the last time I saw you, and I feel absolutely horrible about how things ended. I'm sorry I was being such a bitch; I shouldn't have lashed out at you like that. Given, that thing you said about Erin was definitely a crotch shot, but I shouldn't have just _attacked _you. I'm sorry."

Her words snapped him back into lucidity, and he abruptly recoiled his hand, the undying need to touch her abruptly evaporated as reality struck him full force.

_Erin._

No, Kaidan couldn't touch Shepard, even as consolation in her vulnerable state. He knew she would melt into that touch, leaning into his palm as her hand snaked to her face to interlace their fingers. It would be such a small but intimate act, and Kaidan knew where it would likely lead.

His hands were balled into fists, heavy as dried cement as they dangled unattended at his side.

"It's fine, Shepard, no hard feelings," his voice was strained.

Shepard breathed out a humorless laugh, finally drawing her gaze back to his face. Her eyes shone with unspoken emotion.

"No it's not, Kaidan, you don't have to lie to make me feel better. I actually tried to _hurt _you. I was so caught up in my own anger, I physically attacked you. That's not right. I… I'm not that kind of person. Or… at least, I thought I wasn't. Maybe… I don't know, maybe I haven't really changed back into the person I thought I was. Maybe I really am just an evil, vengeful person."

Kaidan heard her choke back a sob, and his heart ached at her self-deprecating words. To put voice to the thoughts that tormented his mind suddenly made them seem too grandiose to be true – he'd interacted with Shepard only a couple of times since her amnesia struck, but for all intents and purposes, she'd lost nearly all trace of the evil incarnate that had surfaced five years ago.

He gaped at her, wanting to contradict her wild assertion, but dubiety stayed his tongue. His mouth went dry and his throat seized, unable to grant him the ability to vocalize his repudiation. Shepard was wrong; she _had _changed. He wouldn't still be here if she hadn't.

Shepard continued her monologue, stealing away Kaidan's moment to contribute.

"I mean, it's no wonder you moved on and found someone else," Shepard smiled weakly and looked up at Kaidan solemnly. He felt his heart leap to his throat at the desolate look in her eyes. He wasn't sure he wanted her to continue and he yelled at her in his mind to shut up and perish the thought.

She folded her hands in her lap, the wrinkles and crevasses of her fingers and hands suddenly fascinating as she scrutinized them.

"Hell, I wouldn't even want to _look _at me if I were you. I've been so… hateful and angry. I'm bad for you, Kaidan, and I've treated you like absolute shit. And I'm just… I'm so _sorry_. For everything. For this. For jumping back into your life and throwing everything out of balance for my own selfish reasons. I swear to God, if I could take it all back, those eight years I can't remember, I would in a heartbeat. But I can't," her voice broke, momentarily halting her capacity to speak. "All I've ever done for you is cause pain and misery. You deserve so much more than that – you deserve better than me. I'm not the same person anymore, and neither are you. It's like you said: you've moved on and I need to learn to do the same. You… you were right; it's time I let you go."

Kaidan couldn't breathe. She spoke so matter-of-factly that it sent a chill cascading through his body, the blood draining from his face and leaving him stark white. His gut was wrenched in a choking knot, and he tasted the bitterness of bile as it crept up his throat and coated his dry tongue. His lungs forgot how to breathe, his heart forgot to keep pounding blood relentlessly through his veins. Kaidan's whole being felt inexplicably hot and conversely frigid as ice. She was using his own words against him, and his mind reeled at the implied direction this conversation was heading.

He wanted to speak, but his mouth forgot how to create words.

"I can't do this anymore; I can't keep hurting you. That's why… that's why I'm going to submit a request to Hackett that you be replaced and someone else be brought in as my biotic trainer. You belong on the Citadel, with your students, with… Erin. Not here, not with me. I need to let you go, to let you be your own person, to let you have a _life_ again," she choked on her words as she swallowed a cry. "I'm sorry for trying to take that away from you. I'm just so sorry for everything. I love you, Kaidan, I always have and I always will. I just hope that someday, you can forgive me for all the shit I put you through. Maybe someday I'll even be able to forgive myself."

She slunk off of the counter top and her cast hit the tiled kitchen floor with a loud _thunk. _Shepard winced with pain as the harsh contact rattled her broken appendage, but she quickly bit back the sting and straightened her posture, all the while completely avoiding Kaidan's gaze.

He stood stupefied, staring straight ahead with unseeing eyes. The Major felt like he'd been punched in the stomach, and he nearly doubled over from the force of the unprecedented blow.

Shepard stole a wary glance at Kaidan, but he was too numb to register her loitering gaze. He swallowed audibly loud, his mind working ardently to wrap itself around the information Shepard had just laid on him. He hadn't heard her right, had he? She couldn't _really _be leaving him, not again. Could she?

Out of his peripheral vision, he saw Shepard's mouth open in preparation for speech, but she quickly snapped her jaw shut and twisted her head away from him, causing a wave of auburn hair to whisk through the air, sending a waft of her fragrant shampoo directly to Kaidan. Her fragile form quivered as she began an excruciatingly slow gait to the exit. He remained stationary in his spot, his feet firmly planted on the ground, unwavering in their mission to keep him standing as his knees threatened to buckle underneath him at any moment.

Shepard's steps were purposefully lethargic, hoping that in her dawdling departure, Kaidan would sudden snap back to his senses and argue against her logic, fight to stay by her side, or at least say _something _to indicate he'd heard what she had said.

His hands clenched and unclenched into tight fists, leaving little half-moon indentations as the tips of his fingernails dug into his palms. His old Commander tarried by the door and rested her hand against the metallic frame. After another agonizing moment of silence, she craned her head to speak over her shoulder, fumbling over her uncertain words.

"Goodbye, Kaidan. Be well."

His ears prickled with sensation as he heard the distinctive _whoosh _of the opening door and felt a quick puff of cool air blow into the room and push lightly against his back. Every molecule in his body screamed for him to chase after her, to stop her from making this incredibly stupid and self-damning decision. But his insubordinate legs refused to relinquish their post, holding him against his will in that damned spot on the discolored tile floor.

He was still processing what she had said, disbelief spindling throughout his mind as he felt the empty void in his room as her presence disappeared. He was paralyzed with a potent concoction of emotions. Sure, he'd been upset with her, avoided her, and even hated her in the course of the past week, but he didn't want her to just _leave. _He was angry and irrational, impetuous and emotional, but he was hopelessly addicted to Shepard. He'd just started to come to terms with his anger and loathing of her, and now she was just… gone. Again.

_What the fuck just happened?_

Minutes dragged by, feeling like hours in his heightened emotional state, and Kaidan had yet to flinch from his position.

Something in his mind clicked, as if the final piece of the puzzle finally settled in its place, letting him comprehend the full picture that had previously eluded him; the finality of her words settled uneasily on him.

_No. Not again_.

Kaidan bolted for the door, stumbling over his feet as he slid his body between the small opening as the door began to slowly open. He had to stop her, to convince her to let him stay and train her. He could only hope that he wasn't too late to change her mind.


	11. Chapter 10

Shepard walked as quickly as her damaged leg would allow her, hindering her feeble attempt at a hasty retreat. The horrifically ugly floral pattern of the wallpaper coalesced into a montage of swirling color, eating away at the edges of her vision until her entire world was viewed from the far end of a tunnel. The hallway began warping; the floor became uneven and riddled with inexplicable ridges and bumps; the walls crept closer to her, leering at her as they boxed her into their tight confinement; the ceiling drooped low, and she instinctively ducked her head to avoid the crushing weight of the collapsed roof; the lights flickered and sputtered as the bright intensity of her vision began to wane, leaving her in darkened isolation. Her guilt addled mind twisted her perception and skewed her awareness of body, her centered weight suddenly off kilter and slanted to the left side – _no, wait, the right side! Ah shit, now it's forward _– and she found it progressively difficult to even stand straight. Her right leg throbbed with renewed pain, straining against the steely cast, as she lost her balance, causing her to stumble forward and twist the appendage at an awkward angle, pulling healing tissue and bone as they screamed their resistance.

She let herself fall weakly against the wall; the cheap wallpaper mocked her, her tunnel vision forcing her to focus on the tacky design and color palette to prevent herself from falling into the black oblivion. Shepard felt her entire world closing in around her, condensing all her frenzied emotions and thoughts into the aesthetically appalling hallway. Her head was spinning from her interaction with Kaidan, unsure of what to gather from the situation, and still reeling from what shehad said to him.

_Did I really just fire Kaidan?_

The ex-Spectre initially intended to mosey on up to Kaidan's room and lavish him with her feminine charm and charisma by using her drug-like hold against him, with the eventual goal of sweeping the Major right off of his feet as he swooned under her spell. Shepard knew how Kaidan ticked – she knew all his idiosyncrasies, his pet peeves, his desires, the little things that caused his heart to skip a beat, the way he had looked so adorably bashful when she saw his room in disarray.

She knew she had to get the hell out of there.

The woman was trapped in an unforgiving enclave of pent up feelings; she'd never been an overly emotional person and hadn't the faintest idea on how to process such a myriad of swarming emotion and sentiment. It thrummed at the fringes of her psyche, a caged animal that grew increasingly restless as it was denied its want of freedom and expression, furiously bludgeoning the walls of its prison, aching to free itself as it begged for release.

With dread, she acknowledged the telltale click as her biotic implant engaged itself, humming softly at the nape of her neck. Shepard struggled against the drenching flood of dark energy as it ran through her body, sluicing to each and every limb. It prickled its way across her skin, goosebumps rising in its wake as they hungrily sought after the biotic swirl. After waging a furious battle, her biotics conceded subservience, malleable to her will, and they slithered back into their implant. Shepard felt momentarily grateful for her strenuous training the past few days, forcing herself to learn how to govern the almost sovereign implant.

Her sight blurred as unshed tears gathered in her eyes, unbidden by the surprising influx of emotion and biotics, and Shepard clenched her brows together with concentration, petitioning the tears to dissolve. Forcing her eyes tightly closed, Shepard mercilessly pinched the bridge of her nose as she urged the tingling sensation in her face to dissipate and expel the desire to let the waterworks flow freely.

The meeting with Kaidan hadn't gone as planned. Not even close. Somehow, the plan went from cleverly manipulating her old Lieutenant into falling back in love with her to extemporaneously firing him and shunning him from her life, once and for all.

_What the fuck just happened?_

She groaned to herself, a strangled cry of mingling frustration and grief, as she wrestled with her mind to overcome the near overwhelming temptation to surrender to her emotion and let herself break down and cry. Mourn for the loss of the man she loved. Mourn the loss of life as she knew it. Mourn the inexplicable amnesia that plagued her and tortured her with memories of a reality that no longer existed. Mourn the person she had become, callously cutting herself off from Kaidan, her friends, her crew, and even from herself. Mourn for the bleak future that lay before her feet, foreshadowing a lifetime of isolation in the quarantine she had constructed for herself.

Drawing in a shaky breath, Shepard felt the torrential swirl of the world calm, and she took advantage of the temporarily quieted tempest as she harshly shoved herself free from the wall, ignoring the unforgiving sting that shot throughout her overstrained leg; the dull ache in her thigh seemed to pale in comparison to the hurt she had caused Kaidan. She resumed her stroppy gait, her chin held high in feigned defiance, as she continued her journey to God knows where. Any place would be better than here.

Her heart was conflicted with the tingle of hope and the paroxysm of dread as she considered lucidity reclaiming Kaidan's dumbstruck mind, forcing him into an urgent pursuit after her as he pleaded with her to stay or shouted at her for her selfishness. Any emotional outburst, positive or otherwise, would be preferable to the frozen look of panic and torment deeply etched on Kaidan's too-handsome features. Her chest tightened as she recalled the Major's stunned facial expression – his once bright, lively, coy, and playful whiskey eyes muted as loss, pain, and suffering swam in their depths.

Shepard hated that look.

Her happy, sarcastic, over-eager Lieutenant was dead – dead because of _her_. In his place, a heavy-hearted, severely broken, and downright angry man took up residence, bearing the same name as her love, exhibiting the same striking physical features, but stealing away his life, the very essence that made Kaidan, well, Kaidan.

She was blindly turning down corridors, struggling to remember from whence she came and how to get out. She had to employ every precious second granted to her to leave Kaidan's building in case his treacherous heart overrode the logic of his brain and sent him catapulting after her. Shepard couldn't bear to face him and explain motives that were still muddled even to her; she'd acted impulsively in his room, words flying out of her mouth before she'd had the time to silence the audacious sentences. Her gut was twisted into knots at the entire ordeal – the hurt and pain she'd caused Kaidan, her malignant scheme to play the puppeteer with the strings of his heart, forcing him into a life that had long ago been buried.

Her love of Kaidan led her to believe that manipulating him was the only way to bring him back to her and remind him of the uninhibited love that they had once shared. She had realized her flawed reasoning when she unintentionally spied the datapads that cluttered his kitchen counters, stacked precariously on one another in a disheveled heap. While Kaidan had been frantically searching for a shirt to don, Shepard had utilized his distracted state to snoop around his quaint living quarters and quickly perused the datapads that lay in beckoning. Brow poised high on her forehead, she took careful notice of the splotches of fingerprints smeared across the screens, evidencing Kaidan's obsession with whatever intel they held.

Her heart leapt high in her chest and her breath was stolen away from her as her gaze fell upon countless images and reports meticulously outlining her injuries, hypothesizing innumerable scenarios that led to her captivity in Tuchanka, postulating her whereabouts the past half-decade, and various articles about supposed 'Shepard sightings' across the galaxy. His browsing history indicated he had researched retrograde amnesia and its ability to alter personalities or the likelihood of the deceased memories to sporadically reemerge. Kaidan had been neurotically researching everything there was to know about her condition and inexplicable change of character, possessed with the desire to understand her, to have a better grasp on her situation and maybe, just maybe, finally obtaining some answers as to why she turned against him with such a vile hatred. The Major wanted to fathom why she spontaneously became the reanimated dead and regressed into the determined, spirited, and beloved Commander of years past.

Her chest ached with damning realization. It was in that moment that it dawned on Shepard that the puerile arguments the two had been having ever since their reunion weren't stemmed from Kaidan's anger and resentments of her – they were born from the fact that, despite it all, Kaidan still loved her.

The intensity of that comprehension flooded her senses, shifting her train of rational thought, and she unknowingly reformulated a plan that ultimately led her to relieve Kaidan of his duty. He was going to kill himself trying to aid her, train her, understand her; she loved him too much to drive him to the brink of insanity so she could greedily claim him for herself, stealing him away from everything he knew, yanking his world out from beneath his feet just so _she _could have _her_ old life back. He had once loved her with reckless abandon, but that was in another life, one she murdered with her heartless demeanor and unfounded accusations.

How could she have ever thought that this was a good idea? What could have possibly possessed her to even _consider _acting so brutally to the poor, desolate man? After everything that she had done to him, after all the shit she put him through, after the way she cast him to the side like a battered dog, he was still relentlessly combating his own conflicted feelings to try and save her. Shepard had conspired to abuse her influence over Kaidan for her own personal gain – that wasn't something she would have ever thought she was capable of doing. She'd never been so callous or cruel, plotting to destroy the man she claimed to love.

Shepard was terrified; she could feel herself slipping away, could feel the malice and manipulation seeping throughout her mind like a disease, corrupting the segments of her brain that made her unique, that made her Shepard, and turn her into a vessel of disaster and harbinger of devastation.

_What the hell is happening to me?_

Shepard found herself in a tiny living area, a common ground for the inhabitants of the TLF to congregate, or for their visitors to wait impatiently as the Alliance personnel gathered their belongings before rendezvousing in the minute square area. She listlessly sat on one of the uncomfortable looking chairs, the cheap pleather dully reflecting the incandescent lighting of the lamps on either side, evidencing the scuffs, scratches, and tears that littered the inexpensive covering. She slumped low in the seat, her thighs sticking painfully against the unforgiving fabric as she slid into a more relaxed position. Leaning her head back against the top of the chair, she closed her eyes and tried to block out the aching hum of pain as it swallowed her right leg, the healing tissue yelling at her for abusing its fragility. Her hand wandered to the tip of the cast and she tried to slip a finger into the snug prison in an attempt to alleviate the culminating pressure that brooded in its depths. Idly massaging her leg, her mind wandered to the sweet bliss of emptiness, blanking itself to recover from the emotionally jarring moments that had claimed her life over the course of the past week.

She lost herself in that brief moment of silence, swallowing years of unshed guilt and shame, and letting herself, even if just for a moment, be a woman, a regular, ordinary woman, who sat in mute mourning as she cried for the life she had abandoned.

* * *

Kaidan's legs moved of their own accord, moving quickly down the hallway in a soft sprint, desperation claiming his chest like a disease. His panic stricken mind saddled him with fear and anger at Shepard's anticlimactic departure; it was textbook behavior for her, to come sauntering back into his life and confuse him with moments of uncharacteristic adoration and love that were quickly succeeded by her typical errant behavior and emotional outbursts. How had he _not _seen this coming a mile away? It was classic Shepard! She'd been the inane one, saying asinine things about their past and lashing out at him for moving on; and then, once she got Kaidan all riled up and rightfully pissed off, she sporadically became civil and rational, relieving him of his duty, martyring herself so that Kaidan could resume his monotonous lifestyle.

_That manipulative bitch. _

He fell right into her scheme, like putty in her hands, and he was encumbered with guilt and shame for making her feel worthless as he ignored her, abandoned her for the hundredth time, leaving her to her own devices to try and rescue herself. He couldn't erase the image of her shoulders slumped in defeat, the weight of sorrow and self-loathing bogging her down, as she hesitated by his door, yearning for him to follow her, to proffer comforting words, to repudiate her decision.

_That fucking manipulative bitch. _

Making him feel guilty for his behaviors, easily justifiable when Shepard was being a raging bitch. But no, oh no, she just had to come promenading right into his room, full of rationale and understanding, and make his life even more tangled and complicated as she apparently grew a conscience and grieved her treatment of him. And now _he _felt like the asshole, after seeing her face crumple with unrequited emotion, staving off tears as they brimmed around her captivating eyes. Shepard didn't cry, and, dammit, he'd made her cry. Her tears tugged at his heart strings and flooded him with an overwhelming sense of guilt and the urge to protect her and cast her tears away as he cradled her in his arms.

_What a goddamned fucking manipulative bitch!_

He couldn't explain it, couldn't rationalize it, but the ex-Commander, for all her flaws and imperfections, still held Kaidan's heart. He loved her in spite of himself, but hadn't fully come to terms with the force of the emotion until she fired him, leaving him standing stupefied in his studio as terror clutched his heart at the notion of losing her again, threatening to forever rob him of his undeniable propensity for her – the drug that was Shepard. He wouldn't let her take that away from him again, not when he finally had it back.

He ran down hallways, his heart pounding painfully in his chest, as he scanned for any trace of the woman. Kaidan honestly wasn't sure what he would do when he found her – _if _he found her – he hadn't planned that far in advance. All he knew was that he had to find some way to change her mind, to allow him to stay and train her, to let him just be around her. He wasn't going to profess his undying love for her, whisk her off her feet, ditch his current life, and leave Erin in the dust of his callousness, but he at least wanted to live in the illusion that maybe, just maybe, someday, things would level out and he could try and salvage the semblance of a relationship, friendship, _something,_ with Shepard.

He found himself in a small sitting area, adorned with decorative plants and cheap, faux leather armchairs. Four halls branched off of the tiny room, and his heart renewed its frantic thump as he lamented the fact he had no inkling if Shepard had even stepped foot in the place.

His whiskey eyes scanned the area and he walked up to each hallway in turn, quickly glancing down the corridor with the small hope that he would see her fragile frame hobbling down its length. His heart sank lower in his chest, the ball in his gut weighed down more heavily, as he approached each hallway only to find it empty. Kaidan ran his hands over his face, trying to quell the desire to yell out his frustration, when he peered between his fingers and carefully studied one of the seats in the waiting area. It was still lightly gleaming with the sheen of perspiration from an overheated figure, a slight depression on its pleather from the weight of a body that had recently sat on its cushion.

_Shepard_.

She'd been here not a moment before he arrived. He was close, hot on her trail, and hope coursed through his veins as he realized he could easily catch her, if only he chose the right hallway to traverse. Kaidan threw himself blindly down one of the corridors, knowing he had only a one in three chance of choosing the correct one. 33%. Those were his odds. There weren't in his favor, that was for certain, but it was better than nothing; he would take what he could get.

He ran, his steps even more harried than they were before, as he prayed to catch even a glimpse of the woman he desperately sought after.

* * *

Shepard lost track of time as it lost its meaning in the throes of her rare moment of quiet, and she pried her exhausted eyes open, breathing steadily as reality began snaking its way back to the forefront of her mind. With a questioning brow, she surveyed her surroundings, realizing in her haste to sit down and just _relax _for one goddamned moment, she had forgotten which direction she hailed from. The walls of the individual hallways were eerily reminiscent of one another and bore no distinguishing characteristics to differentiate one from the others. She felt a ball form in her stomach and she brandished herself for becoming so easily fooled by the allure of rest that she failed to take notice of which of the four hallways she had intended to walk.

She heard the telltale pattering of footsteps as they echoed throughout the room, resonating between the walls and seemingly cast from every nook and cranny of each hallway. She snapped her head up, her ears prickling as she honed her concentration on pinpointing the epicenter of the noise. The footfalls were almost frantic in nature, landing in quick succession as though the person creating the dissonance was running, likely in pursuit of something lost. There was a similar sound projecting from her left, and she inclined her head toward the other hallway, willing her weary mind to utilize decades of relentless infiltration experience to accurately place the sound.

The sound blanketed her, swooping in on her small form and taunting her with its ambiguity, leering at her as she craned her head in every which way, desperate to find the originating source. The footsteps loomed ever closer to her, mocking her as the threat of the perceived person closed in on her exposed position. Her heart thudded rapidly in her chest, the frantic beat personifying her anxiety, and it obscured the sound of the footsteps, hindering her ability to pinpoint the target.

His footsteps rang louder, signaling his impending arrival, and she knew it was too late to hope to outrun him; with the condition of her leg, she could manage a quick hobble at best, her knee unable to fully bend to accommodate the necessary angle for a run. Even if she did somehow urge her aching appendage to sprint, the shrill clanging of the cast would give away her location and make it all too easy for Kaidan to follow her.

As a last ditch effort to conceal her presence, Shepard limped over to a slightly concaved doorway and pressed herself flush against the wall, praying that the shadows would provide adequate camouflage. She stayed her breath, terrified that the slight sounds of her breathing would ring out in the small hallway and alert Kaidan to her whereabouts. Not a moment later, she heard the pounding footsteps cease their movements as her old Lieutenant entered the small room she had just occupied. Shepard could hear as he circled the room, briefly glancing down each hall in turn, hoping to discover his hopelessly hiding amour.

She combated the urge to peer out over the edge of the wall, not daring to risk exposure or seeing his pained visage, his worry and fret only deepening with each passing second as Shepard slipped further and further away from him. Luck was on her side, and it was only a matter of moments before she heard his footsteps disappear down one of the other halls. She exhaled a sigh of relief and fell back against the wall for a minute longer, willing her heart to slow its rapid tempo.

Finally, she pried herself off of the wall and headed down the foreign hallway. She turned a corner too sharply and slammed her right shoulder abruptly against the bend of the wall, sending a jolt of pain to the socket. She shouted out an obscenity, and the affectionate couple loitering in front of a door was rudely jarred out of intimacy at Shepard's harsh exclamation. They leered at her with anger and frustration, and Shepard returned the icy glower, projecting her self-loathing onto the innocent pair. Several seconds of tense eye contact passed, and she watched their looks of irritation disband as recognition registered within them, momentarily puzzling their features as they marveled over the familiarity of the woman before them.

Shepard cursed herself, infuriated that she owned such an identifiable face, her image plastered all across the galaxy, hailing her as the protector of all organic life and damning her as the reprobate who dissented against her former allegiances. The strangers' jaws gaped with unvoiced queries, and she made a hasty retreat before their cognizance recovered and granted them the ability to question the uncanny resemblance the woman bore to the supposedly missing ex-Alliance operative. She slipped into a conveniently arriving elevator, uncaring of its destination as it carried her down several floors, further confusing the already disoriented and lost woman.

The cacophony of tacky elevator music reverberated in her ear drums, a xylophone inharmoniously _cling clanging _in the background, drowning out the sound of her own pounding heart. She steadied herself against the cool, metallic railing that lined the perimeter of the small elevator and randomly pushed a button for a floor that she vehemently hoped led her in her desired direction. She wasn't quite sure where she even intended on going – she just knew she had to get the hell out of the Temporary Living Facilities ward.

Shepard sighed heavily; the last thing she needed was a couple of loud mouthed Alliance personnel to start blabbing to their friends and colleagues that they spied the notorious Commander Shepard's doppelganger agitatedly limping throughout the TLFs in Vancouver. Hackett would surely confront the amnesiac woman, cornering her in the confines of her unadorned hospital room, his aging, withered old form towering over her diminutive one, and demand why she wandered out of the restrictions of the medical ward and meandered over to the more publically accessible living quarters, making herself susceptible to being recognized and lose all shred of her incognito status.

Argh – that was just another headache that Shepard did not want to take in hand.

The echoing music plagued her ears, driving her to the cusp of insanity at its wretched tune, until, at long last, the doors of the elevator parted and granted Shepard escape from the terrible composition. She all too happily flung herself through the door and nearly ran headfirst into the looming figure that stood before her.

_Great. Another fucking witness._

Without bothering to mask her blatant irritation and petulance, Shepard tilted her head up to stare at the hindrance with daggers in her eyes. Her stomach dropped as soon as she recognized the leering face and her sneering façade crumbled as she felt the blood leave her face.

"Admiral Hackett, sir."

* * *

Kaidan flew down hallways and corridors, bogged down by an uncomfortable sense of déjà vu as he felt a wave of familiarity wash over him at the sight of marred doors and walls that he had passed by only minutes earlier. A strangled groan escaped his lips at the realization he'd been wandering in circles, his urgency to find Shepard skewing his usual directional aptitude.

It wasn't long before he found himself standing right back in the waiting area, the chair previously occupied by Shepard's sitting form now cleansed of any indentations her body had created. He seethed between tightly gritted teeth, furiously clenching and unclenching his fists as he felt the tingling at the base of his neck, the biotics spurred to life at his emotional crisis. The Major shut his eyes and steadied his breath, concentrating on slowing the rapid crescendo of his heartbeat and extinguishing the fire that afflicted his nerves. Once he felt satisfied he had control over his implant, the soft hum suddenly silent, he opened one eye to survey his surroundings.

His stomach dropped low to the ground at the disheartening sight, his hope rapidly dissipating as he felt Shepard slipping between his fingers like a sieve. He couldn't help the pained cry that tore from his throat as his balled fist connected with the back of a chair, sending it catapulting to the ground with a hollow thud.

He wanted to snap, to destroy all the mocking items that lay scantily clad in the pathetic room. He wanted to destroy something beautiful.

He reigned in his unnatural irascibility, drawing on a lifetime of arduous training to reel in his emotions. Four half-mooned cuts graced his palms at the ferocity with which he clenched his hands, his nails mercilessly slicing into his flesh as he swallowed the tempest brewing within his core.

Kaidan calmed his frantic mind, knowing that his already slim chances at finding Shepard would completely disintegrate if he allowed himself to succumb to the chaos stirring at the peripheries of his mind, overshadowing his rationality and ability to plan.

He glanced around, observing the hallways to see if he could remember which one he had initially entered from and which one he had hurriedly run through. He was gifted with a fantastic memory and easily recalled which three hallways he'd already searched, and, without further thought, instinctively entered into the fourth and last hallway that remained.

The resounding echo of his steps infiltrated his ears, keeping tempo with the blood pumping in his veins. He nearly trampled over a stupefied couple as they gawked at an elevator, completely oblivious to Kaidan's sudden emergence. He almost cried with relief at seeing the pair, hoping with wild abandon that they had witnessed something that would give clue to Shepard's destination.

"Have either of you seen a woman walk through here?"

Kaidan looked at them expectantly, restlessly shifting his weight from foot to foot as he impatiently awaited a response. Their questioning stares finally drifted to Kaidan, seemingly trying to comprehend what he had asked of them. The unknown man raised a quizzical brow, his jaw slightly gaping, when the woman beside him began sputtering her question.

"Was that… are you trying to find the Commander?"

The Major's heart doubled its efforts and thumped at a dangerous speed at the woman's response. He was initially ecstatic at her question, knowing that he was _finally _on the right track and in close pursuit of his vanishing love. His elation was quickly shrouded by the gravity of the stranger's assessment, and he realized that these two had been eye-witnesses to Shepard's sudden incarnation, no longer a missing refugee seeking solace on the outskirts of the galaxy.

He had to protect her, had to somehow convince these two that they hadn't, in fact, just seen the long lost Commander.

"Ah, no. I know, I know – she looks a whole lot like the famed Commander Shepard." Kaidan's hand snaked to the base of his neck as he fervently raked his brain for some sort of viable excuse. "Ah… this is really embarrassing… In truth, we, ah, sort of… were… roleplaying…" His voice was a harsh whisper as rouge muddied his cheeks with the heat of embarrassment. Although a fabrication, it was still humiliating to talk about. Kaidan was grateful for his tendency of blushing, aiding in his conquest to deceive the loitering pair. "I-I mean, really, what man _wouldn't _fantasize about being with the Commander?"

The woman looked at him with skepticism, her lips pursed with disbelief, but the man next to her couldn't prevent the wry smile from his lips, a look of appreciative understanding slithering into his amused eyes.

"Are you quite serious? She looked much too like the Commander and was far too angry to just be… roleplaying," the woman spoke, a hint of an accent that Kaidan couldn't quite place played in her tone.

The Major opened his mouth to respond, a weak lie already perched at the tip of his tongue, but he was promptly cut off by the opposing man.

"Oh, Miriam, leave him alone. We both know that Shepard wouldn't step foot anywhere near an Alliance building without setting it aflame. Besides, if she truly was back, don't you think that one of us would have heard of it by now?" The man's accent was heavily British.

She immediately turned her cynical glare to her partner, bewildered that he bought into Kaidan's invention. "You're telling me that you truly believe they were _roleplaying_? That's dishonorable and disgusting!"

"Oh, it's not that awful. I mean, the man has a very valid point – it's no small secret that the Commander was the objection of many a men's fantasies. She's absolutely beautiful, a very efficient leader, was the forefront of the galactic attack against the Reapers, and was downright terrifying and intimidating. There's something oddly sexy about a woman that's manlier than you are."

Miriam looked at him incredulously before harshly smacking his cheek with her open palm, her anger at his quick agreement overshadowed her suspicions of Kaidan.

"You pig! Both of you, absolute pigs! Your filthy minds and perverted fantasies. Commander Shepard deserves better than that, renegade or not. She once was an admirable, respectable woman." She turned her deadly glower to Kaidan – if looks could kill, he'd have been stricken dead on the spot. Loathing and disgust dripped from her venomous tone, "I suppose her broken leg and battered form were just to add to the illusion? A strong woman in captivity, forced to indulge your sick urges and impulses, while you validate your masculinity! No wonder she was running from you, you despicable cretin!"

Content with saying her peace, Miriam furiously opened the door to her living quarters and marched inside, quickly disappearing from view. The man was momentarily stunned by her harsh retaliation and brought a hand up to rub his tender check before turning his gaze to Kaidan.

"You'll have to excuse Miriam. She's still young and idealistic, a feminist of sorts, and quite easy to piss off. Something I'm sure you're rather familiar with, Major."

Kaidan's brow shot up high on his forehead, startled by the unexpected declaration of his rank. He gazed down at his attire and verified that he wasn't wearing anything that would indicate his ranking – the man had simply recognized him, despite his civilian clothing.

The man across from him laughed his amusement at Kaidan's confusion, and ran a tanned hand across his mouth as he humorously shook his head. His eyes, twinkling with mischief, flitted to meet Kaidan's stare as a wide smile broke across his face.

"Pardon me for saying this, sir, but if you think that your face isn't as easily recognizable as the Commander's, you're sorely mistaken: the second human Spectre, biotic extraordinaire, alleged lover of the alluring Shepard, and voice for the people of Vancouver. If not for you, many civilians would still be revolting and lashing out against the Alliance. Not to mention you and your efficiency with your L2 were a major case study during my stay at Grissom Academy; all of us biotics know your face. Lucky for you, Miriam is still a relatively new recruit and is piss poor at putting faces with names. She is very familiar with your name and accomplishments, but hasn't the foggiest idea that she just met you. As a fellow Sentinel, she should be utterly ashamed. Anyway, your Commander popped into the elevator not five minutes ago. Unfortunately, I'm uncertain which floor she stopped at."

Kaidan felt the fine hairs on the nape of his neck bristle as a pejorative shudder ravaged his body. Not only had this man astutely recognized Kaidan, but also Shepard. The implications of his certainty of Shepard's persona filled the Major with dread and trepidation.

"She's not the Commander," Kaidan's voice lacked the conviction he'd hoped to project.

The man waved a hand in front of his face, brushing aside Kaidan's words with a flick of his wrist as a smirk contorted his features.

"Fear not, Major, her secret is safe with me. I am rather indebted to the Commander myself; she helped me and my squad out while we were in a bind during the Reaper War. We were just a bunch of biotic students who were being shepherded by Cerberus when the Commander came swooping in out of nowhere and saved the day. We're all alive, and not one of those mindless husks, thanks to her; I owe Shepard and my instructor my life."

Kaidan gawked at the man, taken aback by the man's acquaintance with Shepard. If he was friendly with the Commander, it would complicate Kaidan's prerogative to dissuade the stranger of Shepard's true identity.

"You knew Shepard?"

The man gave a one-shouldered shrug, his mien suddenly bashful. "Well, I wouldn't say that I _knew _the Commander personally. She was well-acquainted with Jack, my instructor. Shepard came barging in the facility, guns blazing, with an asari and a rather large fellow. Cerberus had infiltrated our building and was attempting to… recruit us to their cause. Needless to say, Shepard and her crew made short work of the Cerberus troops and whisked us off to safety. I must admit, she's incredibly graceful on the battlefield, if not downright brutal. We were all sure we were goners; we were sorely outnumbered a dozen to one, but she didn't waver or falter, not once. It was amazing to witness. I can see how you fell for her."

He gave Kaidan a knowing smile, and the Major loathed to see that it bordered on pity.

"Yes, well, ah, I'm glad you, ah, had the opportunity to meet the Commander. But, ah, as I'm sure you're aware, Shepard has been missing for three years. That wasn't her, just someone who, ah, closely resembles her. I guess that's why I find her so… appealing."

He scoffed at Kaidan, refusing to fall for the untruth. "Pish posh, you insult me, sir. I know what I saw, and I know that was the Commander," he was adamant, his tone brokering no argument. "Like I said, you needn't worry – I will keep her presence secret. As a biotic, I know how important discretion is, especially in regards to keeping a low profile."

"I, ah…" Kaidan stammered, anxiety shooting throughout his system at the man's stubbornness to accept the Major's loose interpretation. He ran a hand through his graying hair and his eyes shifted nervously around the hallway. The man sensed Kaidan's extreme apprehension and placed a calming hand on his shoulder, looking his square in the eye as he spoke his next words.

"Look, Major, I did just piss off my fiancée in order to protect Shepard's cover. Besides," he removed his hand from Kaidan's shoulder and shrugged, "the Commander looked royally pissed off; I'd rather not involve myself with whatever qualm you two appear to be enduring. Please trust me when I say I will not tell anyone about her. I'm sure the Alliance has valid reason for keeping her existence secret, and I wouldn't want to piss off my superiors by blabbing to my peers. The reports indicate that Shepard went rogue and went on a personal conquest to obliterate the Council and the Alliance; the last thing I would want to do is enrage such a volatile woman. She stood toe-to-toe with a Reaper and single-handedly destroyed it on Rannoch, so I am certain she would make short work of little ol' me." His voice was lit with light-hearted humor.

"I, um, thank you. I appreciate it."

The man fanned his hand in front of his face, his features aloof. "Don't mention it, sir, I'd gladly do anything to assist the Commander. I do have a question, Major, if you would allow me to ask it."

Kaidan arched a brow at the man and inhaled deeply through his nose. He contained his breath as he studied the man's face, deliberating on his request. He released his sigh as he massaged his neck and peered at the man from the corner of his eyes. "If you'll keep her secret, then yeah, I guess that's the least I can do in return."

Now it was the stranger's turn to shift uncomfortably on his feet and he downcast his gaze, averting Kaidan's questioning stare. Hesitation nipped at the heels of his words, "As I said, the reports indicated that she was rather… violent. Malicious, even. Pitilessly destroying any Alliance troop she stumbled upon and decimated anyone that followed her. However, when she came stumbling through here, she appeared to be anything but dangerous. Angry, perhaps, but not intent on destroying the place; she looked… well… hurt, sad, and very much broken. Was it all a ruse to turn the galaxy against her? Or are the allegations true?"

Kaidan considered his words carefully for a moment before answering, uncertain if he should elaborate on Shepard's rather unique circumstances.

"Ah, yes, they're… true. She did turn her back against the Alliance."

"If I may, sir, what happened to her? What changed her back?"

Kaidan felt his heart leap in his throat, restricting his airway and fleetingly preventing him from responding. His lips were set in a thin line, and he nervously chewed on his bottom lip as he tried to procure an answer that would make any smattering of sense. After a long moment of tense silence, he returned his stare to the man, unable to prevent the defeat he felt from perverting his features and contorting his words.

"Honestly, I, ah, I don't know. I really don't know… but I intend to find out."

* * *

**A/N: This chapter was getting rather long-winded, so I decided to break it down into two. I figured having an update now with half a chapter, albeit less than exciting, was better than making you all wait another week for an incredibly long chapter with more dialogue and Shenko-ness.**

**I haven't had the internet for the past 3 weeks, but I promise I will try and be better about updating! I just get really nervous for some reason...**

**Anyway, you know the drill: reviews are always appreciated (seriously, it helps a writer to get another gust of much-needed motivation) and I hope you guys are enjoying this story :)**

**-razz**


	12. Chapter 11

**A/N: This chapter was a labor of love. **

**Seriously.**

**I finished it around 11 last night, uploaded it on here, and made my polishing touches through doc manager. As I clicked "save", ****something weird happened and I lost every single one of my changes. **

**_Three. Different. Times._  
**

**I don't know about you, but when I go through and edit something, I _really _edit it, and it usually takes me a couple of hours.**

**I gave up at about 4 in the morning when my computer shut down on me to install updates. **

**I couldn't force myself to go through it a fourth time, not after I'd already wasted 5 hours making the same revisions. So, if this chapter seems unpolished or not quite refined, please don't hate me. I just got sick and fucking _tired _of editing it after all that bullshit last night and decided "Fuck it, it's going up as it is".**

**I'm still incredibly bitter about the whole ordeal. **

**Sorry for my random venting. Anyway, I hope you enjoy, and I, for once, have the next chapter already done :) I'm just as shocked as you are. I just need to edit it (_ha)_, and it'll be posted in a few days.**

**-razz**

* * *

Shepard immediately brought her hand up to salute her former superior, temporarily forgetting that her status with the Alliance had long since been revoked, making the necessity to salute moot.

"Shepard?" Hackett's crackly voice was laced with barely concealed shock. "What are you doing here?"

His purple scar glared in harsh contradiction to the paleness of his withering complexion. Time worn wrinkles spindled throughout his emaciated face, crevasses permanently carved into his brow, personifying decades' worth of stress and responsibility. His lips were thin and anemic, and his side-leaning gait depended heavily upon his cane for support, knuckles white from the desperate clutch that gripped the handle. A perpetual exhaustion burdened his once commanding blue eyes, and Shepard felt a lump forming in her throat. She still couldn't adjust to his aging form. When did the Admiral get so _old?_

She tore her eyes away from her former boss, her emotionally vulnerable mind unable to contend with the reality of his newfound fragility. She stared listlessly at the ground, determined to ignore the shadow of his cane as it slithered into her peripheral vision.

"Sir, I apologize. I know I'm not supposed to leave the medical ward, but I, um… I just… needed a change of scenery. A breath of fresh air, y'know? I mean, sir, I don't even have any _windows _in my room; it was beginning to feel rather claustrophobic in there…" she fumbled over her words as her half-hearted lie tumbled from her lips.

Shepard stole a glance at Hackett's face, scrutinizing his features for any intimation of his judgments. He gifted her with an arched eyebrow, clearly skeptical of her poorly crafted fallacy, and set his mouth into a thin line. His chest rose with a deep sigh, nostrils flaring with the intake of breath. The Admiral held his lungful for an agonizing minute as Shepard shifted uncomfortably beneath his inscrutable gaze.

"That's a rather long way to walk to get some 'fresh air', wouldn't you say, Shepard?"

Shepard folded in on herself at the inflection of his tone.

"Admittedly, I got lost and just kind of… ended up here. Honestly, sir, I have no idea where I am." She proffered an embarrassed smile to her mentor.

It was a half-truth; Shepard really _was _lost by this point. She'd been recklessly fleeing down hallways without paying any heed to the direction she was heading. Shepard had always been atrocious at navigating her way around anything; if it wasn't for the nav system in her N7 suit, she'd have ended up lost in the throes of the galaxy or stranded on an unknown planet, wandering around in circles and utterly oblivious of which way was up.

"I see," his reply was terse with distrust. "Well, I suggest you make your way back to your room before someone recognizes you. The last thing the Alliance needs is a press conference with the media." He eyed her carefully, watching her sheepish disposition as she fidgeted with her hands, massaging each finger individually and purposefully avoiding his gaze. "I myself am on my way to see Major Alenko. Have you seen him?"

Shepard felt a heated blush ascend her cheeks, immediately giving away her actual purposes.

"I, um… I… Sir… he's… ah…" words rolled inarticulately off of her tongue as she scavenged her brain for some shred of intellect.

"Shepard?" he inquired as weariness claimed his features. He sighed heavily, scratching at his white beard, before speaking. "What did you do to the poor man this time?"

Her head snapped up angrily at Hackett's insinuation, her eyes ablaze with guilt fueled rage.

"I didn't _do_ anything. Sir." She spoke through clenched teeth as she attempted to reign in her ire. She inhaled a shuddering breath to calm her nerves, reminding herself Hackett hadn't meant to insult her. "I mean, I didn't attack him or anything. I swear to God, I'm not some crazy person anymore. I just sort of… fired him. I think."

Her features contorted with confusion, once again trying to comprehend her mystifying actions, and she twisted her fingers into strands of mahogany hair. Her eyes darted around the hallway as she coughed uncomfortably.

"You fired him?" Hackett asked, not bothering to disguise his bewilderment.

"Ah… yes, sir. I don't really know what happened, to be honest…" She flitted her stare to the ground, focusing on her feet as the heated blush traveled down her neck.

"Did you fire him because he hasn't been training you? If that's the case, then you don't need to worry about that anymore. I was on my way to confront him about shirking his duties and responsibilities. From here on out, he should be completely vested in your training and exercises."

Shepard was quiet for a moment, combating the shame that strained her words. "Um… not quite, sir. I, uh, I was able to train myself a little, actually. I was really hoping that maybe you, um, could give me a different biotic trainer? One that has… a little less… history with me."

She looked up at Hackett and slightly upturned the corner of her mouth in a light smile, urging him to grant her request.

Hackett heaved a long sigh and shifted his weight at the uncomfortable cramp that began to stir in his weakened leg. "What happened, Shepard?"

"I'd really rather not talk about it, sir." The woman ran a nervous hand through her hair, her fingers combing the tangled strands, as she gave a one-shouldered shrug. "I've just realized that I've… emotionally compromised Kaidan's mission, I guess, and I wanted to submit a formal request for his replacement."

"Hmmm…" Hackett tapped a spindly index finger on his chin as he considered her appeal. He ran his gaze over her frail form, eyeing her entire disposition, before procuring his answer. "Request denied."

"What? Why?" Shepard jerked her head up and set her accusatory stare on Hackett, utterly dumbfounded that he had rejected her proposal before even considering it.

"Major Alenko has an unparalleled biotic talent and shows remarkable self-control and biotic manipulation – unlike anything I've ever seen from a human. He's also an exceptional teacher and has proven time and time again that he's a very capable and proficient mentor. He's perfectly suited for your specific needs."

Shepard nearly tripped over her desperate words, adamant to convince Hackett to empathize with her position. "But, sir, I really think that's a bad call-"

"It's not your call to make, Shepard," he harshly interrupted her, using a tenor that left little room for dispute.

She ignored him. "Admiral Hackett, you don't understand! There's too much shit between us now. Every time I see him, I can't concentrate, I can't focus, I can't train. Nothing is going to get accomplished." She spoke animatedly, her hands flying through the air to emphasize her earnestness.

"All the more reason to keep the Major on board. Using your biotics on the battlefield won't necessitate the most desirable of conditions; if you're able to get a grasp on your biotic energy despite the emotional complications with Kaidan, then you'll be able to handle any situation thrown at you." Hackett nodded at her to convey he was ending the conversation.

"Sir, it'll kill him."

"You don't give the Major enough credit. He's stronger than you realize – stronger than _he_ realizes. I think this pairing will do you both some good."

Shepard firmly shook her head, auburn tresses whipping in front of her face at the frantic movement, and she sliced her hands in front of her body in disagreement. "No, sir, with all due respect, I refuse to train with him. Being around me is poisoning Kaidan; I won't keep subjecting him to that kind of hurt."

"I'm in charge here, Shepard, I make the calls. Know your place, Commander." He glared at her, daring her to try and defy his orders.

Shepard gawked at him, appalled that he had the audacity to play the trumping rank card in a cowardly attempt to win the argument.

"I'm not a part of the Alliance anymore, remember?" she spat at him, her voice thick with fury.

"But your actions against the Alliance place you under my jurisdiction and I can order sentences as I see fit. Would you rather stay in the penitentiary with the other rebellions to wait for your trial? That can take months."

She was aghast, her eyes wide with betrayal, jaw agape at his harsh threat.

"You wouldn't," her voice was a breathless whisper, disbelieving he'd subject her to sentencing.

"Shepard, this argument is over."

The finality in his inflection stayed Shepard's tongue, and she realized this was a dispute she had no hope of winning. She chewed her bottom lip, willing her mouth to silence the slew of obscenities she wanted to shout at him for his treachery.

_He really would place me on trial. That fucking bastard._

"I swear to God, this is a bad idea. A _really_ bad fucking idea," Shepard seethed at him, her jaw aching as she ground her teeth together.

How could he do this to her? To Kaidan? He just didn't understand!

"Shepard, if you so much as-" Hackett retorted, but was quickly silenced as the elevator door parted, exposing its sole inhabitant. "Ah, Major Alenko, just the man I wanted to see!"

Shepard groaned and felt her head drop low on her shoulders as she slumped with defeat. "Ugh, you have _got _to be kidding me."

She treaded to the side, granting Kaidan more room than was necessary to step off of the elevator. He raised a questioning brow, his features startled, as he slowly walked out of the elevator. Trepidation seeped from his broad form, his movements slowed with apprehension at interrupting the apparent quarrel. He shifted his gaze to Hackett.

"Ah, yes, sir. I'm sorry I, ah, haven't had the time to respond to your messages lately."

The Major gave a rigid salute, his tense body unwilling to move. He'd seen the gleam in Shepard's hateful stare, and he feared she was on the verge of another biotic breakdown. His implant instinctively switched on in preparation to shield his body from an anticipated out lash.

Shepard scoffed as she sensed the influx of energy, her heated stare boring into Kaidan, willing him to combust into flames with a thought. How had he even found her? Even _she _couldn't figure out where the hell she was.

"Really, Kaidan? Really? You're equipping your fucking biotics?"

"Just a reflexive precaution, ma'am," he spoke, wariness nipping at the heels of his words.

"Reflex my ass. Admit it – you're scared." Shepard jutted her chin out as she leered at him, defiantly folding her arms across her chest.

"Of course I'm scared, Shepard. You're prone to lashing out and attacking when you're upset," he spoke blatantly, as if it was an understood truth.

"Who says I'm upset?" she challenged, narrowing her eyes at him.

"I do."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "Well then, you'd be wrong. I'm _not _upset; I'm perfectly content."

"You look anything but content."

"That's just because I've been hobbling around on this bum leg. It hurts more than usual today." A weak lie, she knew, but she'd be damned if she let Kaidan become savvy to the fact that she was in a state of emotional upheaval over him.

"Shepard, can we talk? Somewhere…" he spoke exasperatedly, quickly flicking his eyes to Hackett, "…private?"

"I didn't think we had anything left to talk about."

"Well, maybe you don't, but I sure as hell do. You didn't exactly, ah, give me much time to respond earlier." He anxiously rubbed the back of his neck, desperately wishing that the Admiral wasn't standing there in silent observation.

"How was I supposed to know you had anything left to say? I gave you my whole monologue and then you just stood there, completely silent and unmoving." Shepard dropped her arms as she motioned towards Kaidan. "You didn't even _look _at me."

"Look, can we please go back to my room? I'm sure Hackett doesn't want to get in the middle of this…" He was beginning to feel increasingly uncomfortable.

"No, Kaidan, I'm sorry, but I can't do that," she shook her head, the lighting of the hall reflecting the redness of her swaying hair.

"Why not?" he whined despite himself, and he winced at his childish demeanor.

"Because I don't want to." She gave him a stern look, unwavering in her decision.

"So that's it, then? You just say all those things to me and don't even give me the opportunity to rebut?"

"You had your opportunity, Kaidan. You missed it," her voice was somber, saddened that he hadn't capitalized on her brief moment of indecision while she loitered in his room.

"Please don't pull that bullshit, Shepard. Of course I didn't respond; I was too shocked to even breathe. You can't just come gallivanting into my room, smiling and sweet, telling me how sorry you are for everything, and then just fire me and walk out for good. That's a lot of varied emotion to process in the twenty seconds you gave me to respond."

She flouted Kaidan and turned her gaze to Hackett. "Admiral, if we're done here, I'd like to return to my room now."

"We're done, Shepard. I need to speak with the Major anyway. You're dismissed." He gave her a stiff nod.

"Thank you, sir." Relief plainly exhibited itself on her face as she turned her back to depart, more than happy to leave this convoluted mess behind her. She paused mid-turn before sheepishly looking back at Hackett. "Um… sir? How, uh, how do I get back to my room?"

He smirked at Shepard as he gave concise directions, steering her to the desired destination. She absentmindedly nodded her head, turned on her heel, and limped down the path.

"Shepard, wait-" Kaidan called out, lunging after her as she made haste.

Hackett stuck his hand out and rested it on the Major's shoulder, holding him in place.

"Let her go, Kaidan."

He looked at the Admiral with wild eyes, desperate to chase after Shepard. "Sir, I can't. I have to talk to her."

"Give her some time to cool off. Let her think on it for a while, and I'm sure she'll come around."

Hackett smiled, he actually _smiled_ at Kaidan, as he tried to comfort the frazzled man.

Kaidan whipped his head side to side, fervently disagreeing. "No, she won't. We both know Shepard better than that – she's stubborn and bullheaded. If she thinks on it, it'll only reaffirm her decision. I can't let her fire me, Hackett, I can't. Shepard… she's… she's still in there, somewhere. I have to help her, sir, I have to help her find herself. I won't let her down; I won't abandon her, not again. I _can't._" He couldn't prevent the urgency from creeping into his tone, his brow furrowing with determination and guilt.

"Major, she doesn't have the authority to fire you – I do, and I denied her request. You've nothing to worry about."

Kaidan gawked at the Admiral, shocked that he had turned down Shepard's demand.

"Sir, I…" he wasn't sure how to respond. "Thank you, sir. I can only hope that you're right." He ran a hand through his coarse hair, skeptical of Hackett's assertion.

"Just trust me on this, Major. She'll come around." Hackett patted the other man's shoulder, offering a taut smile of reassurance. He exhaled gruffly as he spoke, "Well then, now that that's settled, shall we go back to your room to discuss her training?"

"Ah, sir, I realize that time is of the essence and that I've failed in my recent duties to train her, but, ah, is it okay if we discuss this tomorrow? I'm not feeling well, sir, and I just need some time to… blow off steam." Kaidan shrugged his shoulders, staring listlessly at the wall behind the Admiral.

"Very well. Go take the day," Hackett motioned with his head, acquiescing Kaidan's request.

"Thank you, sir."

He turned to leave as Hackett's words trailed after him, "And, Major? Make sure they put the tab in my name. Seems like you've been through a hell of a day, and it's not even eight yet."

"Again, thank you, sir," Kaidan echoed himself, nodding towards Hackett before stepping into the arriving elevator.

He felt the beginnings of a migraine begin to wake from its slumber, slowly brewing behind his eyes. Kaidan lamented the fact that for the second time in a week, he'd resorted to alcohol to cope with his recent stresses and struggles, using it as a poor substitute for his headache medication. He discarded the nagging worry of impending alcoholism, instead focusing on his undeniable need to drink himself into oblivion.

* * *

It was evening now, and Kaidan had spent the better part of the day at the pub, nursing the growing migraine that thrummed in his head with copious amounts of alcohol, until the bartender kicked him out. Apparently, he'd overstayed his welcome and his presence enraged the locals, who glowered at him for his Alliance affiliation.

He really needed to find a new bar.

Kaidan clumsily traversed down a hallway as his feet marched him to his destination. His body seemed to have a mind of its own, doubting the sensibility and lucidity of his alcohol hampered mind. He trusted his legs knew their way back to his room, and he let them move of their own accord, not for a moment questioning the unfamiliarity of his surroundings. It hurt too much to think; the immense pain culminating within his cranium screamed at him for the mental effort.

He had a migraine – a head-splitting, outright debilitating migraine, worse than he'd had in years – and he was the drunkest he'd ever been. When drinking on someone else's credit, alcohol seemed to go down with such a sweet, beckoning taste. Oh man, was the Admiral in for one hell of a surprise when he received the bill.

He hadn't meant to take advantage of Hackett's generosity, but after the one-sided conversation with Shepard, Kaidan wanted nothing more than to drink until he couldn't even remember his own name, let alone Shepard's.

Kaidan saw a glimpse of the woman he so desperately loved all those years ago. He knew she still lived, that somewhere, buried deep beneath the outlandish, bi-polar bitch, her true, loving, wonderful persona resided, hopelessly trying to claw her way back to the surface. Her strength and resolve were weakening, her determination waning as obstacle after obstacle obstructed her path and fed the monster within.

He had to dig her out, to rescue her, to defeat the malice that lingered. Maybe if he saved her this time, honestly and truly saved her, it would eradicate the years of self-loathing and blame that eroded his psyche. He'd failed her so many times in the past: he'd doubted her, abandoned her, questioned her judgment and allegiances, betrayed her trust.

This was his salvation, his penance, his one opportunity to make right all the perceived wrongs he'd committed over the years.

The Major assessed the hallway with unfocused eyes. Despite the intoxication that warped his mind, Kaidan felt a nebulous sense of familiarity of the ward he was in, and, as he stumbled drunkenly down the hall, he tried to piece two coherent thoughts together to place his location.

His migraine pounded mercilessly against his skull at the endeavor, and he quickly ditched the effort to try and orient himself – his legs knew where they were going; he just had to trust them. He squinted against the sudden glare of the overhead lighting, and the intensity of the incandescent bulbs caused his eyes to water as the headache bludgeoned against his temples.

After several more unsteady steps, occasionally tripping over his own feet and stumbling into walls, Kaidan stood dumbly in front of a door that looked vaguely recognizable. He peered upwards, his gaze lingering on the disheveled wall above the door; a plethora of hairline cracks threaded throughout the foundation, a few pebble-sized chunks of plaster missing from the stress of a powerfully reverberating wall.

This wasn't his room. Where the hell did his legs take him?

He cocked an eyebrow when the green lock initiated, causing the rotors to groan their welcome as the door slowly slid open. A whoosh of chilled air blasted out through the opening and caressed his face with a hospitable brush of soothing cold, temporarily appeasing his throbbing head.

Kaidan's head lolled on his neck as he stared with unfocused eyes into the room. He could see the fuzzy silhouette of an overly beautiful woman, her features and form blurred by the obscurity of alcohol. She sat on a bed, one leg sticking straight out, unbending at the knee, and her back was slightly turned away from him, barring him from her sight.

"Look, I already told you guys that I'm not going to – _Kaidan?_" she turned around agitatedly, and Kaidan could barely distinguish a look of unveiled shock as it claimed her astonishing features.

Dear Lord, this woman was radiantly gorgeous; he almost feared that he had died and ran headfirst into an angel. Even through the haze of inebriation, he could decisively see her beauty. How could anything human be so utterly perfect?

He offered her a lopsided grin, momentarily stupefied by the pleasant trill of her voice as it lilted across the room and rang like sweet music in his ears. Maybe she really _was _an angel.

"What the hell are you doing here? Don't you have somewhere better to be?" Her eyes narrowed at him, brilliant specks of green shining out against the soft brown of hazel.

Kaidan frowned.

_Such harsh words coming from someone so beautiful. _

"Wow. You're beautiful."

The woman scoffed and shifted her weight, turning her torso to face him completely as she readjusted her awkwardly straight leg. Why did she insist on keeping the joint locked? Silly lady.

"Look, I don't know what kind of twisted game you're trying to play, but I'm not taking the bait. So why don't you just turn around and go back to your little hovel?" The pretty lady folded her arms across her chest and pouted like a five-year-old. Kaidan couldn't help but smile at her pathetic disposition.

"I actually thought I _was_ going back to my place… But my legs, they got confused and brought me here. I dunno where I even am."

The lady looked sad and it bothered Kaidan; she deserved to be happy, to smile, and he was nearly overwhelmed with a sense of urgency to please her and chase away the pain that marred her beauty.

"Why do you look so sad? You're too pretty to be sad."

"The hell is wrong with you? You're talking really strange," she demanded of him, and the inflection in her tone caused the poor man to flinch. The slight movement ricocheted in his head, reminding him of his enfeebling migraine.

He looked at her thoughtfully, slowly identifying her appearance. His sluggish brain worked too hard to place her face, and the effort caused the room to spin. Kaidan swayed lightly on his feet, his equilibrium off balance as alcohol swarmed his overly exhausted brain. His vision swam as the headache thrummed at the fringes of his skull, and he was suddenly overcome with a violent wave of nausea. He staggered on unsteady feet and clumsily fell against the door frame, trying to catch himself before plummeting to the ground in an embarrassing heap.

"Holy shit! You're _drunk?_" she gaped at him, her features contorted with awe.

Unthinkingly, the Major nodded his affirmation, sending his head into a relentless stampede of pain.

"What the hell! You _never _drink! It was like pulling teeth trying to get you to have a drink with me at Chora's Den! Man, this is so unfair. You can go get plastered, and I'm not even allowed to leave the med bay. Next time, sneak me out so I can join, will you?"

"I'd like that," he smiled lazily at her, pleased that she seemed to want to spend time with him.

The distant click of a radiator humming to life disrupted his happy stupor, the altered air pressure invigorating Kaidan's headache. He winced with agony, scrunching his nose and squinting his eyes as spots of black peppered his vision.

The woman eyed him carefully, confused by his fleeting look of pain. "What's wrong?"

"My head," he barely choked out, words suddenly too tiresome to create.

"Oh my God, you poor thing. You're having one of your migraines. I'd forgotten how bad they can be," her agitated tone quickly gave rise to concern.

He saw her shadow dart across the room, bending the appearance of the flooring as her shade slithered more definitively into view. Kaidan lifted his head to look at her, worry etched on her stunning face, and the motion caused him to topple forward. The woman barely reached him in time to catch him before he collapsed on the ground.

Her arms were wrapped tightly around his waist, fastening him against her to prevent his fall, and Kaidan nuzzled his face into her neck, letting his full weight fall onto her sturdy frame. He breathed deeply through his nose; her aroma infiltrated his nostrils and he was dizzy with her scent. He knew that smell – it was one he'd been yearning to inhale for years. Kaidan draped his arms around her shoulders and held her close, simply enjoying the feel of her against him. It felt so right, so safe, so natural. It was where he belonged. It was home.

"Shepard," he breathed her name the moment he realized who this angel was, hardly believing that he was actually holding her. After denying himself the privilege for over a week, he was finally _holding _her. It felt so wonderful; why had he forced himself to rebuff such a fantastic connection?

"Kaidan… crushing me… can't… breathe…" she spoke harshly, her words strained with the depletion of oxygen, as she pushed lightly against him.

He suddenly realized that in his exaltation, he'd been forcefully clutching the small woman tightly against his chest, crushing her and strangling her lungs.

"Oh, sorry…" he sputtered an embarrassed apology.

The Major willed his arms to let her go as they solemnly fell back to his sides, and he looked down at his hands; they felt lonely and empty, aching to encircle her once more. Shepard coughed a few times as she tried to catch her breath, massaging her chest to open up her airway.

He wavered on his feet.

"C'mon, big boy, let's get you to the bed."

She snaked her slender arm around his torso and pulled his arm over her shoulders, allowing him to rest the majority of his weight against her as she guided him to the small bed. Shepard grunted with effort as she hobbled, her casted leg straining with exertion at accommodating the additional body mass.

"Agh, Kaidan, I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to move a little faster. My leg can't handle this much pressure…"

He nodded lazily, fighting to keep his eyes open as the pounding migraine consumed the remainder of his mental clarity. At long last, they were at the bedside, and Shepard gingerly removed her steadying arm and helped him sit on the edge of the bed, picked up his legs, and placed them on the mattress. Kaidan looked up at her and saw her determination as she carefully laid him down, her hand supporting the base of his throbbing head to prevent it from harshly falling against the pillow. Sensing his stare, Shepard flitted her eyes to meet his, teasing him with a small grin. Kaidan beamed at her, happy that his legs decided to bring him to her room.

"You really are beautiful, Shepard."

"And you really are drunk, Kaidan," she smirked at him, a hint of a smile toying at the edges of her mouth.

He watched as she slinked down to the end of the bed and worked adroit fingers on his shoelaces, deftly untying the knots and loosening the boots before tenderly removing them from his feet.

"No, no, that's not it," he vehemently shook his head, ignoring the stab of pain that flared in his temples, "Well, yeah, I am drunk, but you've always been beautiful to me."

Shepard looked up at Kaidan, her eyes alit with amusement and flattery. She smiled at him; the luminosity of the gesture lit up the entire room.

"You're a sweetheart, Kaidan. Now shut up and rest. I'll go get some things and see if I can make your migraine better."

She rose from the bed and moved to leave, causing anxiety to seize his chest. He reached out a strong hand and firmly grasped her arm, preventing her escape.

"Don't go. Please don't leave me again." He looked at her with terrified eyes, the notion of her departure sending him catapulting into panic.

Shepard brought a hand up to Kaidan's face, her fingers lightly tickling the stubble on his cheek in reassurance. He saw her hesitate, lingering a moment longer as she studied his face, dubiety flickering ephemerally on her features.

"I'm not leaving, you goof, I'm just going to get some meds. I'll be right back. I promise."

He simply looked at her, fearful this would be the last time he'd see her, that she would simply leave and not return.

She gave him a heart-melting grin that erased his worry, and he glumly nodded before muttering a quiet "Okay."

As she turned and left the room, he settled deeper into the mattress, trying to find a comfortable position without jarring his head. Closing his eyes, Kaidan desperately warred with the migraine as it resounded in his skull. Despite the gratuitous consumption of alcohol, his headache still throbbed and pulsed with each and every beat of his heart.

Weariness crept into his bones and sleep lured Kaidan to its depths, but he struggled against his body's desire to rest. He had to stay awake, had to see Shepard again. He couldn't fall asleep, not now, not after she promised to come back.

Minutes felt like hours as he adamantly staved off the beckoning rest. Despite his obstinate resolve, the allure of sleep called out to Kaidan, whispering promises of sweet relief from the mind-numbing pain that wracked his being. He fought, using every last shred of his willpower to resist the temptation, but sleep reigned victorious as the current swept his feet out from under him and shrouded him with a veil of unconsciousness.


	13. Chapter 12

Kaidan was roused from his brief slumber by the soft sound of a door swooshing open, quickly followed by the light pattering of footsteps. He pried one eye open, still groggy from sleep, and looked to his left side to see Shepard's outline.

"Alright, so I've got some good news and some bad news," she hustled over to him, her arms overflowing with a random assortment of items. She halted her steps as she looked at him, noticing the alarmed expression of someone recently stirred awake. "Aww, did you fall asleep? I'm sorry if I woke you," she offered him a sweet smile, staring at him with the adulation a parent would use with their child.

The haze of sleep began to dissipate from his mind, and he lightly shook his head, careful not to reawaken the now dormant headache. "No, you're fine. I just dozed off for a few minutes. I'm glad you woke me up. What's the bad news?"

"Doctor Booker wouldn't give me any pain meds. Apparently, asking outright for their strongest narcotic is suspicious. I told her my leg hurt and wanted something to curb the pain so I could sleep, but she wanted to run all sorts of tests and shit to 'investigate the source of discomfort'. Idiot doctor," she rolled her eyes as she trudged closer to Kaidan.

"And the good news?"

"You get a famous Shepard head massage, free of charge!" she beamed at him, a radiant smile that enhanced her beauty.

He stared at her wide-eyed, his drunken brain fervently trying to absorb her connotation. "…_what_ kind of massage?"

Shepard scrunched her nose with disgust. "Poor choice of words. Don't be such a pervert. If I wanted to cop a feel, I would've done it by now. I don't do happy endings, anyway. What I meant was that you get a massage to make your forehead feel better."

"Oh…" He felt his face fall a little, simultaneously embarrassed and upset that he derived the wrong meaning.

"Try not to look so disappointed. At least you're getting a massage, buddy."

She held a bucket in her hand and set it down on the table as she carefully moved objects to the side. Despite her diligence to remain as quiet as possible, the sounds of shifting items clanged harshly and roared in Kaidan's sensitive ears, feeding the wanton hunger of the revivified migraine as it stirred awake.

"Can you believe it? They _finally _gave me a table. I guess I impressed the doctors by going incident free for the past few days," she upturned one corner of her mouth in a smirk, an adorable dimple crevassing her cheek.

"Your head still hurt?" She peeked over at him as she gathered a few necessities.

"Yeah… it went away for a little bit, but it came back. So much for self-medicating with alcohol," he scoffed, irritated that his head now pounded two-fold.

"You know, I was wondering about that, actually. Self-medicating with booze hardly seems like a good solution to cure a migraine. Sure, maybe it'll help alleviate the pain now, but tomorrow, you're going to have a bitch of a hangover. Trading one headache for another… Hate to break it to you, Kaidan, but I do believe you need to rethink your plan," she teased him, a coy smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.

"But I like drinking."

"Apparently so! I still don't understand what happened to my sober little Lieutenant. Not gonna lie, I'm slightly offended that you wouldn't drink with me before, and now you're practically an alcoholic. We could've been alcoholics together on the _Normandy!"_

"We _were _alcoholics together on the _Normandy_," he groaned as the pounding in his head became blinding. He shielded his eyes with his arm in an attempt to block out the light.

"You can't be serious! I finally managed to turn you into a drinker?" she spoke incredulously as she wet a washcloth.

"Yup."

"Tell me, honestly: Did you ever outdrink me?" Shepard cocked a brow, peering at him through the corner of her eye.

"Nope."

"Ha! Good to know," she spoke louder than was necessary, excited by the victory, and caused a surge of pain to flash in Kaidan's head. "Man, I wish I could remember that. Sure as hell would've beat drinking with Wrex all the time… Only person alive that's ever drank me under the table. I swear to God, that big motherfucker cheats. And I thought _I _had a ridiculous tolerance level."

She wrung out the washcloth and gathered a few ice cubes from the bucket as she haphazardly threw them into the rag.

"I think you did outdrink Wrex that night you guys celebrated curing the genophage. I don't know how your liver isn't destroyed after that; must be those Cerberus upgrades."

She immediately ceased her actions, frozen in place by the admission. She turned wild eyes to look at Kaidan with disbelief. "What the fuck! _I cured the genophage? _And _nobody _here thought it was worth telling me?"

_Because you faked the cure and killed Wrex._

Kaidan nearly spat out, his alcohol loosened tongue wanting to speak sentences before giving him time to censor the words. He harshly bit his tongue; his teeth dug into the soft flesh and he tasted the bitterness of iron as he drew blood, silencing himself from admitting one of Shepard's most horrifying acts. He remembered that night with vivid clarity.

He'd been prepared to stay up with her the night she killed Wrex, holding her tightly in consolation as she cried herself to sleep, but the woman was completely stoic and unmoved by her actions. She'd killed Wrex without a second thought, not for a moment phased by the fact that she'd murdered one of her dearest friends. It was in that moment that Kaidan realized his Shepard was rapidly morphing into someone else, a stranger he didn't recognize: cold, callous, ruthless. It terrified him, sent a chill down his spine, to witness firsthand the radical 180 she was undergoing as she finally snapped from all the pressure and stress of holding the fate of the galaxy in the palm of her hand. That day was the catalyst, the turning point, where Shepard dove off of the deep end, drowning in the depths of malice and cruelty.

No, Kaidan couldn't tell her about it, not now. She was Shepard again, and he wasn't sure he could live with himself if he burdened her with the knowledge that she'd killed her beloved krogan. He was drunk, but he wasn't _that _drunk.

"It, ah, must've… slipped my mind. I'm drunk. Thinking too hard about the genophage makes my head hurt."

Kaidan lowered his arm and looked at the woman with half-lidded eyes, her face clenched together with a slew of unspoken questions that she ached to ask.

"Hmph, well played – using the migraine card to keep from talking about it. You do realize I'll just ask you about it tomorrow, right?" Shepard relented, almost fearful of the way Kaidan looked as he circumvented her probing – she was in a good mood and didn't want to squash the rare moment of elation.

"Yeah, I know." Kaidan released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, grateful for Shepard's cooperation at dodging the uncomfortable topic.

She dragged the table closer to the edge of the bed, the legs groaning their obnoxiously loud resistance against the sticky tile floor. Shepard issued an apology for the dissonance and set the table down, satisfied with its new placement.

"All right, Kaidan, I'm gonna lift your head up a little bit so I can sit behind you. You ready?" she spoke softly, trying to keep herself from disturbing the pain.

"Yeah…" he breathed out, moving up on his forearms as he lifted his neck and head from the bed.

She lightly placed her hand on the nape of his neck as she scooched the pillow to the side and tenderly slid into position behind Kaidan. She let his head fall into her lap, taking careful consideration to stick her casted leg out to the side to prevent it from causing him further discomfort.

He heard the soft clacking of ice as Shepard gathered a few cubes into a wet washcloth and brought it over the Major's face, carefully running it on his forehead. He felt dizzy with sensation as the stark chill of the material soothed the radiating heat that emanated from his skin. The migraine screamed at the brisk touch, angered by the attempt to thwart its attack, before the cold started chasing the pain away, slightly mitigating its bite.

"Even after all these years, you still get bad migraines?" Shepard inquired softly.

"Yeah… I usually take a narcotic, but I left my supply at home."

"Ah. With your doctor girlfriend?" her tone was flat.

He remained silent, his features contorting into a frown, upset by the mention of Erin. He didn't want to think about her right now; all he wanted to focus on was Shepard and her dangerously close proximity to him. Thankfully, Shepard had the prudence not to push the issue and wordlessly nodded her head at his silence.

Kaidan's head throbbed with renewed pain as he nestled deeper into Shepard's lap, enjoying the feel of the damp cloth as it caressed his forehead. He inhaled deeply and his head swarmed with her aroma; it swathed over him like a soothing blanket, combating against the debilitating effects of the migraine and alcohol. He held his lungful for as long as he could manage, not wanting to lose her scent.

With each and every breath, Kaidan could feel his migraine receding back into its cave, surrendering to the overpowering force of Shepard's essence. A few moments later, Shepard discarded the washcloth and used deft fingers to tenderly massage his temple. She carefully cradled the Major's head, her lithe fingers rubbing small circles to assist in the warring efforts to drive away his pain. His vision swam as drunkenness conflicted with his excruciating headache – he couldn't remember the last time he had fallen victim to such an enervating pain.

He felt his resolve melting away as her fingers played at his skin, caressing in such a loving, affectionate way that Kaidan felt the unmistakable stirring of butterflies deep in his gut. Then again, with the amount of whiskey he had consumed, it could very well be nausea. Shepard's fingers travelled up, threading into raven hair, and she ran her digits through his thick hair, gently tugging at random intervals, as she massaged his entire scalp.

Kaidan turned his head to the side, drawing his legs into his body in a partial fetal position, and cuddled closer to her. He wrapped his arms around her slender waist and pulled his face closer to her stomach as her fingers worked their magic, chasing away the remnants of his headache.

"Mmm… that feels nice," he mumbled quietly.

"Good to know I haven't lost my touch," she chuckled, her stomach bouncing against Kaidan's face.

He breathed deeply, relishing the smell that was uniquely Shepard, and cherished the sweet aroma as it teased his senses.

"Thank you, Harper."

She froze for a brief moment, stunned by the unexpected informality. He'd used her name – he never used her name. Kaidan knew Shepard absolutely despised being called "Harper", and only a select few of her crew had ever had the pleasure of learning it.

"Harper, hmm? I haven't heard you use my given name in a loooong time." She resumed her ministrations, tilting her head to the side as she worked her fingers.

"It's a nice name," he muttered, closing his eyes as he reveled in the pacifying sensations.

"Well, I'm glad at least one of us thinks so. You're lucky I like you. Remember what happened to the last guy that used my name?" Laughter played in her tone, and Kaidan chuckled his response.

"Yeah, I remember. That poor kid… he had no idea what he had coming."

"Yeah, well, he used my name. You know how much I hate that. You're the only person alive that can boast the right to use it."

"Mmm… I'm sure you let Thane use it, too," his alcohol impeded tongue spoke the words unthinkingly.

"Who?" she inquired, arching an eyebrow at the unfamiliar name.

"You don't remember him?" He peered at her through one half-opened eye, his weary brain seemingly forgetting her amnesia.

"No," she shook her head. "Should I? Who was he?"

"Ah… nevermind." He chastised himself for his gaffe; the mention of Thane procured unwanted feelings of jealously and resentment.

She arched a questioning brow at him, and Kaidan felt a ball form in his gut. How had he been so careless and stupid to mention the deceased assassin– the drell that had given his life to save him and the Councilors during the Cerberus coup on the Citadel?

_Her boyfriend. _

The thought plagued Kaidan, reminding him of a time when Shepard had crafted a new life for herself, one without him in it. Shepard had had a boyfriend. She left Kaidan and took another man to her bed. That made him angry, made him jealous. Shepard was _his. _

Kaidan pulled her even closer to him, inundated with an overwhelming sense of possessiveness, and his nose brushed against the edge of her shirt, skillfully lifting it so the tip of his nose could touch the skin of her stomach. The stubble on his chin tickled her sensitive flesh, sweeping across her belly as he nuzzled himself against her. She inhaled a sharp breath at the unexpected contact and her abdomen flexed at the effort.

He murmured against her skin, his lips moving teasingly on the taut skin of her flat belly. "I've missed you, Harper. So much… so much."

Her fingers threaded throughout his hair, tugging slightly to try and pull his face away from her.

"I've missed you, too, Kaidan," her voice was soft, barely more than an audible whisper as she reciprocated the confession.

Despite the weariness of pain, Kaidan struggled against her attempt to break the skin to skin contact, desperately wanting to feel her against him. It'd been too long since he'd been allowed to just touch her.

"I'm sorry, you know."

Her brow knit together with confusion. "You're sorry? For what? You've done nothing wrong."

Her breath hitched as he trailed plaintiff kisses on the plane of her abdomen.

"Yes I have. I've done everything wrong. I've hurt you. A lot. That's why you hurt me. I made you hate me. I was cruel to you. I am so, so sorry," his voice cracked as he spoke, and Kaidan hated the blatant regret and pain that permeated his words.

"What did you do?"

Kaidan pulled away from her stomach and looked up at her as she gave him a quizzical look. How could she not remember?

"You know, _Horizon_," he spoke the word with loathing; the memories of their brief reunion flooded his mind and tormented him with the absurdity of his behavior_. "_Fucking Horizon. I never should've yelled at you, or accused you of turning your back against the Alliance, against me. I never should've said those awful things. I didn't even give you a chance to explain yourself, to explain what was going on. I just shouted at you and left you… I should've joined you, I should've gotten back on the _Normandy _with you and Garrus. I abandoned you. I'm sorry."

Regret clenched his gut at his self-flagellation, twisting it into painful knots. How could she ever forgive him for that? He'd been an ass, ludicrously berating her as he turned his back to her, leaving her to fend for herself against the Collectors on a mission that should have claimed her life. How could he have ever justified forsaking her? He was an idiot.

"It's okay, Kaidan," she spoke soothingly, trying to reassure him than any past wrong-doings were long since forgiven.

Kaidan barely registered her words, and rationalizations began spewing out of his mouth, "I thought you died, Shepard. It killed me knowing I had to live without you. I finally managed to find a way to survive, to make myself wake up each day and not hate myself for letting you die on the _Normandy. _When you showed up on Horizon, everything just shattered and I handled it badly. And that stupid email where I told you about Erin. I'd gone on _one _date with her. I told you to hurt you, to make you feel the pain and loss I'd been feeling. I shouldn't have done that. I'm so sorry."

Shepard winced at his proclamation, forgetting that once upon a time, she had died and Kaidan was left to pick up the pieces of his broken life. He'd gone through so much the past eight years… no wonder he started drinking.

"Really, it's okay. Like you said, you thought I was dead for two years. I can't fault you for moving on. Besides, that's nothing compared to the things I've said and done to you the past few years."

He violently shook his head, burying his face in guilt deep into her lap. His words were muffled by the fabric of her pants. "But that's not all, Shepard. I did worse things. Like on Mars. I was an ass. An absolute ass. And you still saved me when that insane robot almost killed me. And then during the coup at the Citadel, I acted like an idiot. For Christ's sake, I pulled a _gun _on you. To defend _Udina,_" he spat the name, the word leaving a sour taste in his mouth_. "_I never should've doubted you. You've never been wrong before. I kept throwing Cerberus back in your face and accused you of being one of their pawns. And then I accused you of cheating even though it wasn't cheating. I almost let you die in London… I'm so sorry, Harper, for all of it. I was awful to you. That's why you hated me. I hated me."

She was silent for agonizingly long moments as she processed the information. He stared at her face – a distant, far away glean shadowed her eyes, and her lips were slightly pursed as she chewed the inside of her cheek. Kaidan hadn't spoken much of their relationship after her untimely death aboard the _Normandy SR-1_, and to hear his confession stabbed at her heart. He hated the hurt that he saw flicker across her beautiful face, but he had to confess, had to clear his conscience and let Shepard know how truly sorry he was. She wasn't the only person who'd said and done hurtful things over the years.

He dreaded her response, half-expecting her to throw him out of her room and castigate him for his past behaviors. Swallowing hard, he blinked away the inexplicable sting of tears that formed behind his eyes. This was it; she hated him. Again. Just like he knew she would. His father had been wrong.

"Stop apologizing, Kaidan. I don't hate you," her words were soft and sweet as she fought back the undercurrent of hurt.

He was stunned. Did she not realize how awful he'd been? "But you did. You became… _evil_. It's my fault. I changed you. I hurt you. It was all because of me."

"Whatever it was that happened to me, I'm sure it wasn't your fault," she couldn't help but smile at him, trying to impart consolation to the delirious man.

"Of course it was my fault. It had to be. I've let you down so many times, Shepard. I should've been there for you, through it all, and I wasn't. I failed you."

He slumped against her in defeat, the heavy weight of truth encumbering his body.

She shook her head at him, her hair falling around her face. "Don't be silly, Kaidan, you didn't fail me. And even if you did, you're here now, so that's gotta count for something, right? Really, I should be apologizing to you… I haven't exactly been pleasant the past week. I'm sorry for instigating all of those stupid fights. It's like…" she sighed as she attempted to find appropriate words, "It's like someone else is in control of me sometimes and I'm in the backseat of my own consciousness, fighting against the hateful words and actions. I can't help it." Her voice was low, as if she were speaking more to herself than to Kaidan.

He looked at her as he tightened the circle of his arms. "I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of arguing with you. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I don't like fighting with you – it makes me sad and angry."

"I don't like it either."

"I miss you, Harper. I miss us." He pulled his arms tighter around her, trying to appease the growing urgency to _feel _her, to get another dose of her drug.

"I miss us, too…" her voice trailed off as she softly hugged him back.

"Let's start over."

It all seemed so simple to Kaidan's intoxicated brain. It was the perfect solution; forget all the hurt and pain over the years and just start fresh. Why hadn't he thought of this before?

"How do you propose we do that? I don't think we _can _start over," Shepard asked, doubt lacing itself plainly into her words.

He firmly shook his head in her lap, ignoring the jolt of pain it caused. "Don't say that. Yes we can. Of course we can. You've already forgotten all the bad shit, so I can, too. Let's just put it behind us and move on."

"But, Kaidan, you're with Erin. I can't let you just throw her away. Like you said, she's good for you," the pain in her voice caused Kaidan to flinch. How had he been so moronic to tell her that?

"No, she's not. She's a nice woman, but she's not you. You're what's good for me. You. Not her. It'll always be you."

He looked her square in the eye, appealing to her to see his line of reasoning.

"Kaidan, I don't know what to say…"

She removed her fingers from his scalp and twisted the digits together, apprehension building in her gut at his words. Kaidan glided his lips across the surface of her stomach, planting small kisses on her abdomen as he held her closely against him.

"Don't talk then, Shepard… You don't have to say anything," he murmured against her, closing his eyes as he lost himself in the wonderful feel of her skin against his lips. Oh, God, it'd been so long since he'd kissed her.

He breathed hot air below her navel and goosebumps instantly prickled across her skin. His nose tickled her stomach as he moved lower, lightly brushing the top of her pants. Kaidan's hand snaked over her side and he traced his fingers over her bare skin before resting it on her thigh, drawing small circles with his thumb.

"Kaidan… you're drunk," her breath hitched as his hand traveled to the juncture between her legs, clumsy fingers trying and failing to unfasten her pants. He silently cursed the alcohol for hindering his coordination.

Kaidan's mouth vomited words before he'd had the time to silence them, spilling forth from his lips and finally putting voice to the emotion that he'd been mercilessly swallowing down for the past week.

"I love you, Harper," he said firmly, lifting his gaze to meet hers, searching for any indication that she felt the same. He felt a pressure lifted off of his chest at his confession, the weight of denial finally alleviated as he, for the first time, allowed himself to admit the unyielding truth.

Shepard was quiet for a long moment, clucking her tongue against the roof of her mouth as she deliberated his words. Her gaze lingered on his, the hazel of her eyes swimming with an indecipherable emotion, her mien soft and sweet, yet firm and adamant, as she placed her open palm against his cheek. Kaidan melted into that touch, turning his cheek into the heat of her hand, and he clasped his fingers tightly around hers.

Pain flickered across her beautiful face, and she slowly tugged her hand from his grasp. "Kaidan, stop it. We can't do this. You have a girlfriend. You only think you love me because you're completely trashed. You know how I feel about you, but I can't with good conscience let you do this. It may sound like a good idea now, but I know you, and I know tomorrow you'd hate yourself for it."

He shook his head almost violently, refusing to relinquish his hold on her hand. As he brought her palm to his face, kissing each finger individually, he spoke, "You're wrong, Shepard. I always want you. Always. Why do you think I've been avoiding you? I can't deny it anymore. I don't _want_ to."

"_Stop,_" she spoke the word harshly, using the commanding tone she'd use to issue orders to her _Normandy_ team.

Shepard yanked her hand free from his mawkish gestures, trying to ignore the flutter of butterflies that buzzed wildly in her stomach, and slowly moved out from under him, now standing at the side of the bed.

"Why?" he demanded of her, angry at the cold air his arms held, vacant of the lovely woman he had been holding. He forced himself to sit upright, snubbing the flood of dizziness that washed over him as the room spun viciously.

"Because it's not right!" Shepard flung her arms to her sides, her octave almost shrill as she hopelessly combated an influx of convoluted emotion. "You have a new life, one that doesn't involve me. I can't let you destroy that. I'm not the person I used to be, and I recognize that now."

"Bullshit," he looked at her incredulously, "I know you're still you; I wouldn't be here if you weren't."

"No… no, I'm not," she shook her head solemnly, letting her head hang low between her shoulders. She hesitated a moment, the pained expression now overridden by an unexpected ferocity, as she lifted her gaze to his. "You know why I fired you?"

He gave her a puzzled look, surprised at her drastic change of demeanor. "Because you were trying to save me from getting hurt. That's how I know you're still the Harper Shepard I fell in love with eight years ago. You fired me to help me, even though it hurt you."

Kaidan moved to touch her, reaching a hand out to uncurl her fingers that were tightly balled into determined fists. His brow clenched together with hurt as she quickly shirked away from his touch, jerking her hands away from his.

"No, Kaidan, I fired you because I wanted to manipulate and control your feelings. The whole reason I even went to your room in the first place was to manipulate you into thinking you loved me again. I planned on stealing your life away, to toy with your heart so you'd leave Erin, leave your post at the Citadel, and stay with me. That's not me, Kaidan. I may be a lot of things, but I've never been cruel. That's why I had to fire you." Her inflection was wavering ever so slightly, unconfident of her own words even as she spoke them.

"But you didn't manipulate me! Not intentionally, anyway. You fought against it." He looked at her desperately as he pleaded with her. If only Shepard could see herself through his eyes… maybe then she'd understand that she wasn't a bad person, that she had changed, that she belonged with him. "Let me help you, Shepard. I'm with you."

"Kaidan… please don't make this any more difficult than it already is. I… I think it's time for you to go back to your room… Talk to me tomorrow, when you're sober, and we'll see how you feel about me then," her voice was soft and she cast her gaze to the floor, fearful of the lingering look of sorrow in Kaidan's toffee eyes. "And I promise you, you won't be nearly as eager to try and be with me." Her lips quirked into a sad smile as she raised her head to finally look at him.

He grabbed her hand. Shepard tried to pull away, not trusting she had the resolve to resist the contact, but he held it firmly within his grasp and refused to let go.

His tone was resolute, "At least let me stay with you tonight. I promise I won't try anything. Just… let me pretend, just for tonight, that everything is normal again. Like it was eight years ago. Just one night, Harper. Please." Whiskey eyes stared into hazel, petitioning with her to concede this one desire.

She gnawed at her bottom lip, inhaling deeply through her nose, as she contemplated his offer. She gave him a sidelong glance, studying his face as she weighed her options. She puffed out her cheeks and expelled her breath in a loud huff.

"Okay, fine. _One night. _But only because I'm scared you'll black out on your way back to your room, and there's no way in hell that I'll be able to carry you back with a broken leg."

He smiled at her and pulled her other hand into his, urging her back to the bed. Shepard drew her lips into her mouth, wary of his overly affectionate mannerisms, before giving in to her softer side and allowed him to guide her back to the mattress. Kaidan lied down, and she took up residence beside his broad frame, letting her neck rest in the crook of his arm. He cuddled into her, his arm wrapping around her slender waist as he pulled her snuggly against his chest.

He felt the tension leave her body as she melted into his touch, spooning her tiny form into his. Kaidan beamed, a wide smile breaking across his face, and he whispered into her hair, "Thank you, Shepard."

She shrugged. "It's nice to pretend sometimes. Just promise me you won't regret this in the morning."

"There's nothing to regret."

Shepard smiled, letting herself snuggle into his warm body, satiating her craving for his touch.

The Major's eyelids suddenly seemed too heavy, and he struggled to keep them open, fighting with himself to stay awake and enjoy this one night he had with Shepard. He was sobering up enough to realize that this was likely the last time he'd ever get to spend the night with her. Sure, he probably _would _regret it in the morning, but not because he felt guilty about being with her; he'd regret it because it reminded him of how much he loved her, how much he loved spending the night with her, how her body fit perfectly against his, like a puzzle piece snapping into place, finally finding its home.

He allowed himself to have this one night with her, holding her as they both slept, despite the knowledge that it rekindled a fire that would eat away at him, tormenting him with fresh memories of a reality that no longer existed.

"_It's worth it," _Kaidan decided as he finally permitted his eyes to close, almost instantly falling into a deep, peaceful sleep that he hadn't had in half a decade. For the first time in five years, his sleep was undisturbed, and finally, for just this one night, he felt a sense of completion that he'd been starved of since he lost the woman he now cradled in his arms.


	14. Chapter 13

**A/N: It liiiiivvvvveeeeeeessss!**

_***crickets***_

**...hello?  
Hello?  
Heelllloooooo?**

**Are there any followers left to this story? **  
**Anyone at all? **  
**No?**  
**Probably not. **  
**But that's okay. If I were you, I would've forgotten about this fic months ago.**

**The beast has returned from its slumber; it hibernated for a good six months, and for that, I am deeply, sincerely sorry. I'm a horrible human being.**

**Long story short: I'm a single mom of a 3-year-old working my ass off while trying to pay my way through college and dealing with the idiot I reproduced with. I became stressed, depressed, and basically had several incredibly difficult months. Needless to say, writing fell to the bottom rung on my list of priorities. ****Y'know, life and all that.**

**A couple of weeks ago, a fan messaged me and asked about this story. I owe it to that reader, you guys, myself, and poor little Kaidan and Shep to finish this story. (Thank you, Gyfted).**

**But... but this chapter, oh my God, this chapter will be the death of me. I've written it, deleted it, rewritten it, edited it, re-edited, deleted it, and written it again more times than I care to count. I don't know why I struggled so deeply with this chapter, but holy shit, guys, it was brutal.**

**I know how I want the story to end, I know the direction I want it to flow, but this goddamned chapter was a HUGE roadblock. So I just decided to crank it out, throw in some feel good stuff, toss in some angst, force myself to upload it before I talk myself out of it, and call it a day. I'm looking forward to writing anything that isn't this chapter.**

**So, without further ado, I present to you the next installment of _In Another Life_. And I swear to you, it won't be another 6 months before the next addition. Enjoy! :)**

**Man, it's good to be back.**

**-razz**

* * *

Consciousness cruelly swathed Kaidan in its cold embrace, rudely waking him as his headache drummed its debilitating tune in harmony with the thudding of his heart. His lips stuck together as he tried to pry them apart, desperate to inhale a deep, sobering breath. The very act of breathing nauseated his stomach and his mouth felt too dry, unable to swallow down the bile bubbling up his throat. Through tightly shut eyes, Kaidan felt the world spinning at a disorienting pace and he leaned over the side of the bed just before he emptied his stomach. He felt mild relief after vomiting and rolled onto his back, draping his arms over his face to block out the blinding light.

His head throbbed with the evidence of a night of abundant drinking, and he found it difficult to piece two coherent thoughts together as he tried to recollect the events of the previous night. After several miserable minutes, Kaidan lifted his arm and attempted once more to open his eyes. The brightness of the room temporarily blinded him, and he winced with pain at the harsh glare. With one eye open, he stared up at a ceiling that didn't belong in his room.

_Where am I?_

Curiosity consumed him as he peered around the room, wrestling himself up on his forearms, but the lazy shifting of his gaze proved too much for his alcohol abused mind to contend with, causing the world to sway with a new fervor.

He tried to remember how he'd ended up here, but the memories eluded him, dancing at the peripheries of his mind. His stomach churned its displeasure, furious with him for bingeing so heavily. Finally, he slumped back against the mattress and squeezed his eyes shut, fighting to fall back asleep and rid himself of this damned hangover. His vision swam behind closed eyes, vertigo throwing his senses out of whack as he felt the world around him violently whirling. He peeled one eye open to ensure that the room was, in fact, immobile and not trying to viciously throw him off of the bed.

Good Lord, he'd never had such a brutal hangover in all of his years.

He vaguely registered the sound of a door opening moments before hearing a vicious _clunk_ of footsteps. He winced with each and every thudas the sound drew closer, echoing louder with each step.

"Morning, sunshine!" a shrill voice boomed, ringing louder than what was strictly necessary. Kaidan's head throbbed in irritation at the disturbance. "How's the hangover?"

He grumbled an incoherent response and batted the invader away with a flopping arm, motioning for her to leave him alone in his misery.

"That bad, huh?" her deafening voice teased him, and the Major was certain she was speaking at such an octave on purpose.

"Why are you so _loud?_" he groaned.

"I've never seen you hung over before; it's rather hilarious," she stated simply, and the Major could hear the smile in her words. He decided in that moment that he hated Shepard – she was sadistic.

"Y'know, Kaidan, I was sorely tempted to use a spray bottle to wake you up. I swear to God, I wish _this close_," she brought her hand up to her face, pinching her index finger and thumb together to emphasize her point, "to doing it, just so you'd feel the brief terror that you're drowning. But I, unlike you, am a kind, caring individual and decided against it. Not to mention that I don't have a fucking clue where to even _find _a spray bottle."

Grabbing a pillow, he placed it over his face in a feeble attempt to block out the bright lights and piercing voice. "Why are you in my room? Go away," he said in a muffled voice, obscured by the fabric of the pillow.

He was whining, he knew, but Kaidan didn't care. His head hurt; his stomach was threatening to empty itself at any given moment; his limbs felt too heavy for his body, as if gravity had altered its pull; his eyes felt like they were on fire and unable to just _stop moving_. Hell, even his hair fucking hurt. He was in no mood to entertain Shepard's depraved sense of humor. All he wanted was to sleep this off: the debilitating hangover, his embarrassment at allowing her to see him this way.

"Excuse me, Major, but I do believe that _you_ arein _my_ room."

That got his attention.

His eyes flew open as he slowly dragged the pillow off of his face, snubbing the jolt of nausea that ricocheted in his gut. Sluggishly, he registered his surroundings, hoping they would prove Shepard's allegation false. If he was in her room… in her _bed_, no less… that could only mean…

_Oh, God. No. No, I – _we – _didn't… we couldn't have._

His toffee eyes finally dragged to her form, standing indignantly at his bedside, arms crossed over her chest as she leered at him with humored eyes, the side of her mouth tugging in a smirk.

"That's right, buddy. You spent the night, you fucking cover hog," she teased, staring down the bridge of her nose at him. Shepard trudged a few steps closer, her eyes flickering to the mess on the floor before she suddenly came to a halt. Her nose scrunched in disgust as she stumbled back. "Oh, _gross_, dude. Did you _really _puke on my floor? Seriously? I swear to God, that's fucking nasty, Kaidan. You need to learn to hold your liquor. I hope you realize that I'm gonna make you clean that shit up."

"Shut up," he snapped at her, "I'm hungover, cranky, and didn't realize it was your room. Make the doctors clean it."

_Her room. I'm in Shepard's room._

The reminder tormented him.

"Well I'm sure as hell not doing it. Not my fault you're a sloppy drunk. Scoot over." Shepard motioned with her chin as she jostled to the bedside, carefully avoiding the sticky pile on the floor, and plunked herself down next to Kaidan.

He stared at her as his brain worked fervently to remember something, anything – the touch of skin to skin, hot bodies pressed together, the fleeting moment of ecstasy in release. His brows clenched together with frustration, his mind a blank canvas. All he knew was that Drunk Kaidan had taken it upon himself to mosey on up to Shepard's room, and God only knows what could've happened after that.

He slowly turned his whiskey gaze to her, the unspoken question furrowing his brow as a heated blush rouged his cheeks.

"Did we…?" he began cautiously, fearful of even asking the question.

"Calm down, Major, we didn't have sex," Shepard brought her hands up in front of her body as she looked at him steadily. A coy smile pulled at her mouth, dimpling her cheek. "But it certainly wasn't for lack of trying. You're an _incredibly _touchy-feely drunk, you know that?"

_We didn't have sex._

"Oh, thank God," Kaidan breathed out, releasing a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding as he slunk against the bed.

"Try not to sound too excited about it," she retorted sarcastically and shifted her weight on the bed, causing Kaidan's body to bounce and move in cadence with hers.

He ignored her comment, "What, ah, what did I… um… say? Or… do?" He swallowed thickly as he spoke, trying to form words around his swelling nausea.

She breathed out an amused chuckle and lightly shook her head from side to side, causing locks of her hair to delicately sway. The scent of her shampoo wafted over to Kaidan, the sweet, fragrant aroma of lavender almost too pungent for his overly sensitive senses to stomach.

"Oh, you said quite a lot, Kaidan. It was like damn truth serum. Good to know that if I ever need to pry some info out of you, all I have to do is booze you up first," she poked a teasing elbow into his side and he recoiled from her attack as if she'd stabbed him. He scowled at her – Shepard really could be cruel.

He saw a smile on her lips, noticing the gesture didn't quite reach her eyes. She was hurt.

_What the hell did I do?_

He pressed his palms against his eyes, trying to ignore the nauseating pound of his head. How could he have let this happen? How could he have been so fucking _stupid _to do this to Shepard? To himself?

To _Erin. _

Oh, God, Erin… He was _that guy. _He'd never been that guy; the kind to sneak around his lover's back, living a double life, trying to rekindle a broken relationship with an ex-flame. How could he have let himself do this? Being shitfaced was hardly an acceptable excuse.

Slowly, he drew his gaze back to her, trying to read her expression, her body movements. "Shepard, really, what happened?" he asked softly.

She looked at him steadily in a contemplative stare, idly curling a loose strand of hair around her finger. Kaidan saw her jaw move slightly as she chewed the inside of her cheek, as if hesitant to admit his actions. He groaned with embarrassment, knowing her reluctance to answer was a clear indication that he had acted out of turn, that he'd crossed some arbitrary line and further stressed their already strained relationship.

"Good Lord, was I really that lewd?" He was mortified with himself. He'd come on to her, solicited her for sex, threw caution to the wind and begged her to be his. He knew it, he fucking knew it. God he was such an _idiot_, a lying, hypocritical piece of -

She cut his self-flagellation short, abruptly speaking up during the midst of his grief. "No! No, not at all," she animatedly shook her head and peered at him through the corner of her eye. "It was endearing; cute, even. You were very, _very_ touching," Shepard waggled her eyebrows at Kaidan to emphasize her double entendre.

He felt the tips of his ears burning, vaguely recalling nuzzling his face against her taut stomach as clumsy, uncertain fingers attempted to make sense out of the inexplicable puzzle of her pant fastenings. The events that followed were a blur, a dream that was quickly wriggling free from his grasp.

"You called me 'Harper'…" her voice was soft, distant, speaking to no one in particular.

Kaidan felt his stomach jump to his throat, forming an enormous lump that he couldn't speak around. He called her by her first name, one which he'd only used a handful of times after the Reapers were destroyed. He'd used her name as a plea, begging her to come back, to forgo the angry life she'd been living and return with him, to go to some far out recess of the galaxy and live together in retirement, in happiness, in love. It was all for naught; his petitions and begging fell on deaf ears before she mercilessly attacked him.

Kaidan snapped himself out of the painful reverie, not wishing to relive an era of his life he'd tried so hard to forget. A pregnant pause lingered in the air, neither of them certain of what to say. Shepard cupped her hands in her lap, absentmindedly staring at the enigma of her palms, tracing lazy lines with her thumb. Kaidan watched her closely, noting the uncharacteristic tension that addled her shoulders, making her seem so very… _small. _After all that had transpired over the past several years, Kaidan began to idolize her, placing her upon an impossibly high pedestal, and simply forgot that, beneath the tough exterior, she was still a human, a woman. He felt his chest clench with something akin to guilt or shame; his heart ached for her.

His uncertain voice finally returned to him. "Shepard, I –" And again, words abandoned him.

He ran an agitated hand over his face as he let his mind calm down for a moment, trying to mitigate the guilt that knotted his gut - guilt over Erin, his girlfriend, waiting for him back on the Citadel, completely oblivious to Kaidan's philandering; guilt over Shepard, the love of his life, his ex-Commander, victim to Kaidan's own uncertainties and insecurities. Both women trusted him, loved him, and he'd rewarded them with betrayal.

The Major saw Shepard's posture bristle as she scrutinized him, carefully studying his face, analyzing the emotions and thoughts she saw etched on his features. A deep, heartfelt emotion briefly flashed behind her hazel eyes, for only a fraction of a second, before she steeled her expression, closing herself off from him. He was losing her.

"See? Told you you'd feel differently about me in the morning." Despite her best efforts, the underlying sadness in her tone permeated her words, causing a knife to stab at Kaidan's heart as it twisted at the hilt.

The memory flooded to the forefront of his mind – begging Shepard to forgive him as he issued apology after apology, professing his love for her, pleading with her to let him stay the night, to let him live in the illusion that they still loved each other. She rejected him at first, fearful that he would regret the decision, but he insisted, adamant that he hold her as he slept, just this one last time.

_Did_ he feel differently about her now, the morning after?

"Shepard…" Kaidan whispered, uncertain of how to respond. How _could _he respond?

She promptly interrupted him, "Just forget it, alright? No harm, no foul." Her tone was neutral now, void of her previous wistfulness and hurt.

The tension between the two could be cut with a knife, and Kaidan couldn't bear the prolonged quiet any more.

"Shepard, look, I'm sorry-" the apology resting on the tip of his tongue was quelled when she abruptly turned to him, irritation marring her expression.

"Kaidan, what happened with Wrex and the genophage?"

The color left his already pallid face as his mouth went dry. He tried to swallow, to maintain some sort of composure, but the lump in his throat persisted.

He didn't… He couldn't have. Sure, he was drunk, but drunk enough to tell her _that? _Of all things, _that? _That catalyst to her metamorphosis, the first act Kaidan had witnessed Shepard perform without the faintest hint of regret, the first time that he had realized that the woman he so desperately loved was rapidly becoming a stranger – a cruel, heartless shell of his Commander.

Kaidan looked unsteadily at her, his hangover forgotten in the panic that beleaguered his mind.

How could he tell her? It would be her undoing. She was _his Shepard _again, and he couldn't bear to be the person to tell her that she'd killed one of her dearest friends, that she'd damned the krogan to die a slow, drawn out death as their numbers dwindled to extinction.

"The… um… genophage?" The words rolled inarticulately off of his tongue as he desperately sought after a way to escape the impending conversation.

Shepard gave him an irritated look, her hazel eyes boring into his, and her earlier pleasant mood gave way to her impatience. "Yes, the fucking genophage. Don't be a goddamned moron."

He wracked his brain for any recollection of the conversation, but it was a cavity in his memory, a gaping hole where his memories should be. It annoyed him. He couldn't imagine how Shepard must feel, combating against an eight-year void that had claimed dominance over her memories.

"What… ah… did I tell you, exactly?"

She gave an annoyed snort, rolling her eyes dramatically, and abruptly stood up. "Cut the shit, Kaidan. I swear to God, I'm in no fucking mood to deal with your evasive bullshit. The genophage. You said I cured it. Why didn't anyone tell me? Seems like that's kinda on par with, _'Oh, hey, Shepard, you know those Reapers? Yeah, you destroyed them and saved the whole fucking galaxy.'"_

He gulped. Her arms were folded tightly across her chest, her brow arched high on her forehead, as she anticipated his response.

"Because…" he sucked in a shaky breath as he forced himself into a seated position, carefully averting her gaze. "Because you didn't actually _cure_ the genophage," his voice was barely more than a hushed whisper, praying that by some small miracle, the sound of the words would die out before reaching Shepard's ears, leaving her in the bliss of ignorance.

"What?" she shot back, narrowing her eyes at Kaidan suspiciously.

"I said you didn't cure the genophage," he almost shouted with irritation and dread, sharply turning his head to look sternly at her as she slowly registered his statement.

He saw the rigidity of her stance, the way she seemed to bristle as confusion settled in her eyes.

"Then why the _fuck_ did you say I did?" she lashed out at him, throwing her arms down to her sides, hands clenching and unclenching in furor.

He swallowed. Hard. The bobbing of his Adam's apple momentarily stole Shepard's condemning glower, her eyes flickering down to the soft movement before redirecting her venomous gaze into his.

His mouth was painfully dry, his tongue like sandpaper against his throat, causing his already husky voice to drop further. "Because we all… we _thought _you did. You told us you had the cure; you even gave it to Mordin to put into the shroud over Tuchanka."

She gave him a startled look, quickly shaking her head with confusion as her features contorted with incredulity. "Who the hell is Mordin?"

Kaidan nervously rubbed the nape of his neck, his pounding migraine a welcome distraction to the deadly heat of Shepard's leer. "Ah… he was a salarian doctor that you were close with on the _Normandy SR-2._"

She snorted. "You say that like it's supposed to mean something to me. _I lost my goddamned memory. _Remember?" she smirked at the irony of her own phrasing.

He felt his own agitation rising to meet hers, threatening to lash out against her unwarranted antagonism towards him. He knew this routine all too well; he'd been a victim of it five years ago, serving as Shepard's battering post and punching bag, enduring her misplaced wrath and suffering through her wicked tirades. Ignoring the flood of nausea and pain, he pushed himself off the bed and stood in front of her on trembling feet, using his towering height to intimidate her and call her challenge.

"You think getting pissed off at me is going to solve your problems? I'm trying to tell you what happened, Shepard. Just like you asked," he snapped at her, seething through his tightly clenched jaw. His hands were balled into angry fists at his sides, his short fingernails cutting crescent shaped lines into his palm.

"I'm not getting pissed off," she shot back, crossing her arms indignantly across her chest as she jutted out her chin towards Kaidan in defiance, adorning her customary poise. Kaidan couldn't help but think she looked endearingly adorable, all but stomping her foot like a frustrated toddler, and his anger evaporated.

He cocked a brow at her, giving her "that look", one she'd become far too acquainted with over the course of their missions together – the look that called Shepard out on her bullshit, the one that he'd given her time and time again when her irascibility had gotten the best of her and clouded her otherwise sound judgment.

"Okay, _fine. _Maybe I'm a little… touchy this morning," she dropped her arms and cast her gaze to the floor, a little sheepishly, as she fidgeted with the frayed ends of her leg's cast. After too brief a moment, she snapped her head back up to glare at Kaidan, whether it was accusatory or desperate, he couldn't tell. "After the shit you told me last night, I had a bitch of a time trying to fall asleep."

She was baiting him, trying to redirect the focus of the conversation onto Kaidan and his behaviors, but he refused to bite. That was an argument for another day.

"Are you going to let me finish, now?" He raised an irritated brow, looking at her with the same impatience a parent uses on their ill-mannered child.

She nodded wordlessly, combing her fingers through mahogany tresses.

"Thank you," he nodded perfunctorily as he straightened out his shirt. "Like I said, we all _thought _you cured the genophage because that's what you wanted us to believe. You needed krogan aid, and Wrex would only give it if we distributed the cure to his people. No cure, no krogan assistance."

Kaidan could see the annoyance flash behind her eyes, but Shepard was quick to fight it down, trying her best to maintain a level tone. "Why'd I fake it, then? You said I actually had the cure and gave it to Martin."

"Mordin," Kaidan corrected before he'd thought better of it.

She flung a frustrated hand at him, waving off his rectification. "Shut the fuck up."

"Well, yeah, you _did _have the actual cure, but you were approached by the salarian dalatross right before we left for Tuchanka. She told you that the shroud was sabotaged and any efforts to distribute a cure would be futile. But, knowing you, you probably laughed at her, told her you'd fix it, and threw a 'fuck' in there just for good measure." He smiled at his poor attempt at humor, hoping to mitigate the severity of Shepard's reaction at the words he dreaded speaking. Shepard quirked an eyebrow, slightly tilting her head as she clung onto each and every word he spoke, completely disregarding his comedic relief. "Then… ah… she… gave you an ultimatum."

Kaidan swallowed. "Cure the genophage, and the salarians would withdraw their support. Sabotage the cure, and they'd happily hop on board to defeat the Reapers. Shepard, you were caught in a horrible catch-22; damned if you do, damned if you don't. Either way, you were going to lose aid, either salarian or krogan. She didn't give you a choice. You _had _to fake the cure; it was the only way to convince Wrex and the salarians to assist in the resistance."

Shepard was watching him in silent observation, still as a statue. He wasn't sure if she was even breathing. In his nervousness, he kept rambling, words spewing forth from his mouth like a fount. "No one was cooperating. It's infuriating, really. The whole galaxy was at stake, its fate hanging by a thread, and you were the only one actually _doing _anything to save it. Everyone else was caught up in political bullshit, giving conditional aid, as if they didn't truly appreciate what you were trying to do, that if you failed, _everyone would die. _Shepard, we needed the salarians; there's no way we could've won the war without their help. Hell, they practically built the Crucible for us. You weighed your options – and you didn't have many to start with – and decided that saving the entire galaxy was worth sacrificing the krogan."

"You mean damning them to extinction. I committed fucking genocide," she spoke emphatically, rubbing a hand over her mouth to calm her nerves. Her eyes were unfocused, her mind turning over the revelation neurotically as she dissected its severity.

"Shepard, _you had to. _You had no choice," his words were desperate, trying to help her understand that it was a sacrifice that had to be made. He moved towards her slowly, extending a hand out to touch her shoulder. "You were forced to make some incredibly tough calls, and you did what was necessary to save the galaxy. If you hadn't faked the cure, the krogan would've been killed off by the Reapers anyway. Everyone understands why you did what you did."

"I bet you my left nut Wrex doesn't," she said in humorless sarcasm as she batted away Kaidan's touch. She looked at him through her peripheral vision, her lips set into a thin line.

"Shepard, you don't have testicles; you can't make that kind of bet," Kaidan retorted, thankful for the distraction, placing a larger gap between Shepard and the truth of Wrex's fate.

She looked irritated as she turned to face him, arms flinging up in the air, "Technicalities! Kaidan, I repeat, _shut the fuck up."_

"Sorry, sorry," he held his hands up in surrender as he stepped away from her.

"How'd Wrex take it?"

Kaidan's hand snaked around his neck, rubbing it nervously. "Ah, he, um… he… ah, didn't take it... well… at all."

Shepard snorted. "Well that's certainly the understatement of the century. Now the cut the shit and just tell me. He hates me, right? He's probably the reason I was in ICU with a crushed skull and amnesia. Betcha that's why I'm here right now: Wrex beat the ever-living shit out of me. Can't say I blame him, though. But, I swear to God, when I see him-"

"Shepard, Wrex… Wrex is dead," Kaidan interjected, finally summoning the courage to tell her.

She gaped at him; the finality of the word hit her like a brick wall and stole her breath away. Kaidan could almost see her recoil from the blow and immediately regretted telling her. This was Shepard in a whole new light: fragile, susceptible, _human._ When she'd shot Wrex five years ago, she didn't even bat an eye… but now she would feel all the emotion of loss she'd denied herself from feeling.

Shepard looked at him aghast, her face falling as she breathlessly exhaled the word, "_Dead?_"

He mutely nodded, avoiding her gaze, and Shepard instantly interpreted his silence.

"Kaidan, please, _please _tell me that he died in the war," she pleaded, voice wavering. She brought her hands to her face, cradling over her mouth and nose as sorrowful eyes petitioned him.

He softly shook his head and, stealing a look at her, quietly whispered, "No."

"Oh, my God. Kaidan… I didn't… I couldn't have. _Wrex?"_ Her voice broke and she dragged her hands through her hair, face crumbling with culpability and grief. Tears brimmed around her eyes as she frantically looked around the room, as if searching for some unspoken truth etched on the walls, something that would dispel the horror of reality.

Kaidan lowered his head, combating the overwhelming urge to reach out to her and hold her, comfort her. He rubbed a hand on his jaw, the stubble scraping against his fingertips, as he searched for words that would assuage her guilt.

His tone was soft as he spoke to her, "He found out about the sabotage; someone intercepted the transmission between you and the dalatross. We were on the Citadel for a brief reprieve before setting out for Earth when he came storming out of nowhere, shotgun in tow." The Major paused to look at her, watching as her wild gaze stared pointedly at a spot on the floor. He took a daring step towards her, but she recoiled from him. "Shepard, he was going to kill you… he didn't leave you a choice. One of you wasn't going to leave that reunion alive."

Finally, she brought her gaze up to meet his, and he felt the ferocity of the emotion that dwelled in its depths.

"I killed Wrex. I murdered him, after murdering his entire species, I fucking _killed _him!? Are you fucking kidding me?" she screamed at him, pacing agitatedly around the room, angry hands weaving through the air. Shepard suddenly ceased her movements, incensed eyes squinting at Kaidan. "Why didn't someone stop me? Why didn't C-Sec interfere, or detain us, or, I don't know, do their fucking jobs and not let us have goddamned _guns _on the fucking _Citadel!" _

She balled her hands on her head, tugging at fistfuls hair, barely able to keep herself from completely losing it. Nervously, Kaidan contemplated her likelihood of another biotic meltdown, and knew he had to do something to calm her down before a vortex of blue fire lashed out of her.

"Like I said, one of you wasn't going to leave alive. Better him than you. Hell, if you hadn't shot him, I would've. And I'm pretty sure Bailey had his gun at the ready, too," he tried to comfort her, to make her realize that she'd acted out of necessity, to relieve some of the burden on her shoulders.

"No… don't say that, don't you fucking say that! '_Better him than you'_? Is that a fucking _joke?_" She looked at him incredulously, disbelieving he had the audacity to say such a thing. Kaidan was floundering, trying and failing to calm her and ameliorate the situation.

He was at a loss for words, dubious in his responses now. "No, Shepard, it's not. It's the truth."

"Like hell it is!" she flung her hands up into the air in exasperation. "I faked the cure to the genophage and decided that, no, making the krogan an endangered species wasn't enough, so why not murder the one krogan intelligent and controlled enough to actually give their species a fighting chance. Wrex was the _one shot _the krogan had to come back from the genophage, and I murdered him. I took that chance away."

Her shouting disturbed Kaidan's pounding head, and he winced at the sickening pain.

"Stop it, Shepard, you can't blame yourself for that. It was years ago; you were a different person then. You made a call, one you thought was for the best." He spoke to her calmly as he lightly massaged his temple, willing his hangover to just go away and let him deal with this situation uninhibited. His brain wasn't working properly, and he kept exacerbating the problem instead of solving it, causing Shepard's ire to double.

She snorted a humorless laugh. "'For the best'? Right. Murdering one of my closest friends – my only drinking buddy, at that – was for the best. Thanks for clearing that up for me, Kaidan. I feel so much better now."

"That's not what I said; don't put words in my mouth," he spoke defensively, shifting the weight on his feet as he loosened the collar around his neck. God, but did he feel awful. The compulsion to vomit was clawing its way up his throat. "I meant the call you made about the cure. That was a tough call, one of dozens that you had to make. You gunned Wrex down because he left you no other option. 'A casualty of war', you called it. Sometimes, small sacrifices have to be made for the greater good."

He echoed words she had spoken to him long ago on that fateful night. Kaidan was still in a state of shock at seeing Wrex's lifeless carcass smeared on the Citadel floor, thick blood pooling out from beneath him. Shepard hadn't even bothered to sidestep the massacre as she marched back on the _Normandy; _in fact, she almost seemed to make a point of stepping directly into the puddle, leaving a trail of bloody footsteps in her wake.

Shepard pointed an accusing finger at Kaidan's face and hobbled forward a few steps, nearly standing toe-to-toe with him. She seethed, spitting words at him through harshly clenched teeth. "Don't you dare defend me. I could've figured something out. I could've reasoned with the salarians so they'd still give us aid while curing the krogan. Or I could've told the dalatross to kindly suck a dick and that we'd build that weapon without them. Or even –"

Kaidan abruptly cut her off and grabbed her hand, gently pulling it away from his face; he'd nearly gone cross-eyed as he watched her frantic digit wavering in the air, coming uncomfortably close to his eye. Unthinkingly, he ran his thumb over her knuckles, much in the same way he had all those long years ago. Butterflies fluttered in his stomach at the contact.

"Shepard, stop. Just stop it, okay? I wish we could've figured out a different resolution, but we didn't. There simply wasn't time to try and negotiate with either party. What's done is done; that's it, end of story." He didn't want to downplay the tragic nature of Wrex's death, but Shepard berating herself for an act her… alter ego committed years ago wasn't going to solve anything. She could mourn the loss, grieve his death, but he wouldn't let Shepard blame herself for something she'd done when she wasn't herself, wasn't in her right state of mind.

Shepard's angry façade finally crumbled, leaving her bare-boned and devastated, and he could all but hear her heart breaking.

"But… _Wrex. _Kaidan, I… I killed him," her voice broke, thick with tightly coiled sadness.

The first tear rolled down her cheek, leaving a salty residue that glimmered in the bright lighting. Kaidan stared at it dumbfounded, eyes following the drop as made its way down until it caught upon her lip. It glistened on her mouth, and he gawked at it mesmerized, doubting its existence.

Shepard was crying, actually _crying. _He'd only ever seen her cry once, after Ash died on Virmire. He'd been expecting her tears then, and he'd held her on the bed as she sobbed, face tucked into his chest, hands clenched in his shirt, tears staining the fabric. But this was different. He hadn't expected her to start crying, wasn't prepared to see the raw display of emotion. Seeing her tears triggered something deep in Kaidan's core, immediately softening his demeanor towards her, no longer caring about their harsh treatment of each other.

She turned her back to him as emotion overcame her, and Kaidan felt his heart clench at the sight. He couldn't stand to see her like this, so hurt and broken, so vulnerable and frail. He finally lost the battle with himself as he pulled on her hand, tugging her closer to him. His entire body buzzed with anticipation at the notion of embracing her. He cradled her into his chest and rested his cheek on the top of her head, reveling in the smell that was uniquely Shepard as her hair tickled his nose.

Although she didn't resist, Shepard remained still, her posture stiffening as he held his arms around her. She hadn't melted into his touch like he'd expected, and he couldn't help the jolt of disappointment and hurt that tore into his chest, wounding him unexpectedly.

"Shepard… I don't know what to say. I'm sorry that I told you. I hadn't meant to… I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he murmured apologies into her hair.

As he combed his fingers through the loose tresses, he pressed her closer to him, eyes tightly closed, and he swallowed the innate desire to turn her chin up and kiss her. He felt her body relax and she finally leaned into him, reaching up to grab his hand with her own. Kaidan could feel Shepard's hiccupping sighs as the heat of her breath warmed his shirt and shot straight to his heart.

They stayed entwined in the cuddle for a few moments when she carefully extricated herself from his embrace and looked up at him with tear filled eyes. She slowly dropped hold of his hand and hastily brushed the offending liquid free from her cheeks. Running her fingers under her eyes, she stepped away from him, leaving his arms cold and empty.

"No, I'm glad you did. I needed to know. I just… Goddammit, _Wrex. _My friend… I'm so, so _sorry. _He didn't deserve that, Kaidan. He was a good guy, y'know? Just trying to do what was best for his clan, his people."

Shepard hugged herself, idly rubbing her shoulder as she gazed listlessly in the distance.

"And you were doing what was best for yours." He brushed an errant strand of hair, trapped in the sticky, salty residue, from her face. Her eyes snapped shut as he caressed her cheek and she inhaled a shuddering breath.

"I… I think I need to be alone now, Kaidan," she said quietly as her gaze flickered to his.

Kaidan set his mouth into a thin line and shook his head. "I don't think that's a good idea. With your biotics still –"

She sighed, giving him a pointed stare. "Jesus Christ, I'm not going to blow the place up. I have a handle on them. I showed you that."

"Well, yeah, sure, but you're upset. It's one thing to control the random flux of energy, but an emotional outburst is an entirely different story." While he was speaking the truth, Kaidan couldn't deny the part of him that wanted to stay simply because he wanted to be around her, wanted to comfort her, just wanted to _be _there.

"I said I can fucking handle it. Now if you would kindly just leave me to my misery, that'd be great, thanks," she returned to her sarcastic mien, refusing to allow herself to cry and show weakness to Kaidan.

He hated that she felt she couldn't open up to him, that she wouldn't let him see her when she was vulnerable. He remembered a time in a different life when she would freely talk to him, allowing him access to every facet of her personality. He didn't blame her trepidation in trusting him now with such an intimate part of herself; what they once had was lost, and only recently had been rediscovered.

"Shepard, I'm just trying to help," he relented, not wanting to stir another angry incident.

"I know that, Kaidan, but the best way you can help me now is by leaving me alone. I appreciate that you want to pull the macho man bravado and bullshit me into feeling better, but I need to grieve in my own way," she motioned to him as she spoke.

"I'm worried about you," Kaidan admitted, taking a step closer to her.

"Don't, I'll be fine," she muttered as she rubbed the back of her neck. "Please just… go. I don't want to have another… _episode_ with you around. Please do as I ask."

Kaidan opened his mouth to argue but quickly snapped his jaw shut when he saw the unspoken plea in her eyes.

"Okay, okay, fine. I'm leaving," he held his hands up in surrender. "But I'm here for you if you need anything. Just remember that."

He meant it - he really _would _do anything for her if she'd asked it of him. He'd fight his way across the entire galaxy if it meant she would smile for him. Kaidan was hopelessly and tragically falling back in love with her, the current of the emotion stealing his feet from underneath him and knocking him flat on his back.

She offered him a half smile, tenderness sweeping across her features. "I know, Kaidan. You always have been. Thank you."

He turned to leave, taking slow steps towards the door. The green lock spun as the door's rotors initiated, _whooshing _quietly as it opened. He rested his hand on the frame, hesitating for a moment as he stood still, vacillating between leaving silently or voicing his feelings. Kaidan tilted his head over his shoulder, not quite looking at her, as he assembled the words in his mouth.

"For what it's worth, Shepard, I still feel the same way about you that I did last night. Thank you for letting me have one more night with you."

After saying his peace, Kaidan whisked himself through the door, not waiting to hear her response, as a blush burned over his cheeks and down his neck. Drunk Kaidan may be capable of freely expressing his feelings for her, but Sober Kaidan was much more cautious, less willing to offer her his heart and soul.

He dragged his body through the halls, oblivious to the questioning gazes of doctors as he brushed past them. It was still early – far too early for visiting hours – and they knew that he had spent the night with the Commander. Oh, the rumor mill would be buzzing for days over the dastardly deeds between the long-lost lovers.

Kaidan knew, deep down, that he did love Shepard – he was hopelessly, unequivocally in love with her all over again – but he wasn't sure what that love meant yet. He was scared, terrified even, of the implications of that love. Did he want to break things off with Erin and whisk Shepard off of her feet as they ironed out their issues and reveled in their renewed adulation? Or did he want to cut his losses, accept that a part of him would always love Shepard, but things just weren't meant to be, that their relationship was too rife with anger, resentment, and bitterness to ever work out?

He wasn't so sure that loving her was such a horrible thing. Loving Shepard felt natural, felt… right. And downright terrifying. Loving her was hard, it was painful, it was stupid, it was _dangerous. _But now that he had her back, he wasn't sure he had the strength to walk away from her again, to deny her and return to his life with Erin, to spend the rest of his life wondering if things maybe, just maybe, could have worked out for the two of them.

_Well, _Kaidan thought as he briskly tore through the hall, _it's a risk worth taking._


End file.
